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To say the least.

I have recently had a job-switch, and instead of my vocational students, I am with 9th and 10th grade special education students.  I get to go to some of their classes, ones more laden with kids with needs (i.e., environmental science is a class with a  roster of 16, and 13 of them have IEPs), or ones that have fewer students but more significant needs.

A class I now go to is biology.  I know many of these kids from years past, both camp and teaching at the elementary level.  I feel like this adds to my disturbance about what I heard today.
I kid you not, on a lesson about 'What Makes Something a Living Thing', I overheard the following questions/comments:
- (on growth (small -> big) vs change (caterpillar -> butterfly) "You mean like how a twig becomes a tree?"
- (on the subject of a-sexual reproduction, mentioning that bees help with pollination because they drop some pollen on the pistil) "Wait - are you saying a bee and a flower could like, make a baby together!??!?"
- (on learning that life must be at least one-cell, or multicellular, and that yes, sperm are cells) "Do sperm need oxygen?" (had just covered that cells need oxygen in almost all cases) and "Do sperm have eyes?"

There are 14 - 16 year olds (some might be older, I don't know all of them that well).  All of them have taken sciences, INCLUDING life sciences and health, before walking into this room.
The future now scares me LOTS.

And so the wheel turns..
I don't know how my life finds itself in the places and positions it does, but what can I say, it's what I do..

So my first High School girlfriend, High School Sweetheart status, Jennifer, has a younger sister.. I've brought up Jennifer in blogs years ago, we dated for almost a year and half, between 10th and 12th grade. Anyway, she has a younger sister, graduated a little while ago, 18, into anime, cosplay, videogames and coffee... And well she's into me. Can't say the feeling isn't mutual, though 18 not really within dating age for me, I prefer the girls I date to be able to go to the bar, but I digress. It's strange to me that this wheel just rolls on and I go from older sister to younger sister, because honestly, I'm probably going to go for it, she's pretty attractive and I wouldn't mind getting to know her better. I don't know if I see anything good coming of this, but that's what life's about, just going for it sometimes.

In other news, Katie, the mutual friend whom I share with my roommate Ria, has invited me over tonight and I can't really bail on her again, so I get ready today with that in mind. Katie is fun, great cook, loves tasty wine, reads and can carry a conversation really well, so I enjoy time around her. She just really wants to end the night in bed and have me stay over, something I'm not so keen on.. It's really because I broke that cardinal rule during the one night stand we had. Honestly, I try not to make it a habit to sleep with woman so openly out of relationships, but it doesn't seem to be the case these days..

In addition to these events, I'm also taking a bigger step in the future of Zeni Kinetic, I've gotten the ok on my promo material I've been working on and have been asked to be a bigger part of the company, working more hours and having more responsibility. When first approached about this, I said I'd try but did a lousy job of it, but after the whole thing with Ria and confirming she's carrying my demon seed, I enjoy the opportunity to absorb myself into my work.

Work aside, when it comes to Ria and what we should do about our little situation, well, neither of us is really ready to be a parent, I'm still having trouble taking care of myself and making sure my meds are refilled every month... so we'll probably go the route of terminating the pregnancy, but we need to have a long talk before that happens, it's not something to take lightly.. I still can't believe that even happened, since High school I've lived with the belief that having kids would be nearly impossible, or rather it would take a lot of coordination or planning and tries.. Nonetheless, I'm surprised by this revelation and it's one I'll definitely keep in mind from now on.

Anyway, it's about 8am, I should finish the preliminary drafts for the price guides for work, I'm really enjoying this late night/early morning lifestyle.

Later days,


PS, finally finished Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, I understand why that movie is such a cult classic. "And there he goes, one of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even meant for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." - Raoul Duke, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Excerpts from Life
These are various little things that I am wanting to remember, as well as share for future reference.

Excerpts from my life, though they are randomly places on here, they carry a thread of ever present themes. The reoccurring theme in these is, when looked at fundamentally, Love, or rather the desire and belief in it.

As my dear friend Maddie said upon my unloading of these things on her, "Le sigh. Oh the tangled web we weave...," which I believe puts into perspective perfectly how life is, and our place in it. I told her of Anna, this past weekend, as well as the Cardinal Rules I laid out for myself, which lay broken many times over, in no order; Don't sleep with a friend, don't sleep with an ex's friend, don't make a one-night stand cum, don't make a one-night stand cum multiple times in a single event, don't spend extended time around a female whom you find attractive and her SO, don't develop feelings for a female with a SO, and don't get to know a female interest's SO. Someday, soon, I feel I'll make a better recollection of the rules which I govern myself by... Anyway, the story goes on.

This past weekend I helped Anna move. Kelly, her boyfriend, was there to help as well, though it was honestly just Anna's stuff I helped move, as his was elsewhere and nowhere near as numerous as her possessions. This event was to start 10am Saturday, though didn't really start till later in the afternoon, finishing Sunday evening. It involved going to various places to gather her belongings, Logan in particular having most of her things. Over the course of the weekend I got to know Anna better, as well as Kelly. I also had the opportunity to meet her family and spend time with them, whom reflected the lacking in my own family I long for. They were a real family, they were happy to be around each other, they joked around and laughed and it was really nice, not like the venom dripping words exchanged in my family or the uneasy nature being around them. All in all, I would love to be around them again, though it is hardly my place to be around them at all, let alone Anna. Kelly mostly complained the whole time, which was rather irritating to myself in particular considering this was all for their benefit, his included, considering he now has a place to go home to, a caring person there, a place that is their own, whereas I am still staying at an ex's place, things are still tense at times and sleep never comes easy, nor do I ever feel welcomed completely, just another piece of furniture. Anyway, all in all, it's probably this weekend that has made things somewhat hard to be around Anna now, having realizing I do indeed have feelings for her and admire her.

Excerpt from Evernote, written during the drive to Salt Lake from Logan, titled : The Impossibilities of Trying to be Friends with a Girl you're Attracted to.

If there's one thing you'd think I'd have learned in my life about women and myself, it's this lesson.. It's never a good idea to be interested in a girl that has a bf, and it's even worst to try to be her friend. I have an inevitably impossibility of doing this when it comes to trying to be friends with a girl in this situation, because she doesn't feel that way for me, yet I'll put myself into situations that will cause myself pain in order to be closer. It's stupid, it's a selfish and it's childish. Even worst, it's to meet the bf, no matter what they're like, it's a mistake to do.

It's how you got yourself into this situation, having a glimpse of life, outside looking in. The only thing you can do is avoid her eyes and get this job over quickly..

I cannot allow myself to become silently ill-willed toward Anna because of how I feel, she has a right to know how I feel, just as I don't have a right to hide behind it and allow it to be a problem never voiced. I will say this, however, being at work with her is hard now.

In other news, I had dinner with Katie last night, she made a delicious veggie pasta type concoction along with chicken. After we just talked a bit, though she wanted things to end in the bedroom, I wasn't feeling wholly up to it, so when we did end up in the bedroom, I opted for just relaxing together before taking my leave around 10pm. It was nothing against her, I just wasn't feeling up to having sex, I was exhausted from the weekend and achy all over, not to mention getting back on my medication from the previous drought over the holiday, so ill side-effects are in effect. I feel she's hoping for more, something I am sorry to admit, I am not, not with her.

Things at work are progressing rapidly, as ever, especially for this "Electromechanical Technician." I say that in quotations, because I've done hardly anything in relation to what I was hired for. I doubt I covered this in any other entry, but I do Shipping, Spooling, 3D Modeling, Graphic Designing and Parts Expediting and Contract Negotiating with suppliers.. All I can say is my resume, and LinkedIn is going to look pretty damn good... Lol. Zach, one of my coworkers at Zeni, convinced me to make a LinkedIn, which I did, however I haven't done much with it. I am happy to say things are going along swimmingly for our team, all <10 of us haha.. I think our team is really 9, but I never know who's just helping and who actually works there sometimes.

Anyway, time to get back to work on, well, work.

Later days,


PS, I need to figure out a way to export my blog, I don't want to see it missing again..

we are better but our truck needs help
So we are all finally nearly fully recovered from that horrible bout of flu. Thank the Lord! I didn't know what I was going to do if it persisted for longer than a week. My son still has a bit of a cough, but it's so slight it's not even worth meds. Hubby is still going through his week of flu fun, but he should be fine really soon. 

Now we need to get our truck in total working order. It needs a new radiator and a new windshield AND new upper control arms. After that, we should be able to fly through long as they don't look for high beams. Them things cost 50 dollars and after the other 400 we are putting out for the truck,  I am really not beat for that 50. We also need some minor truck accessories such as the side steps. They are rusted beyond reason. One of the plastic strips is only being held on by spit. It is still a nice truck, runs great, doesn't guzzle TOO much gas. If it weren't for the running and the space, I probably would have given up on it by now LOL.

I feel like I'm lost in the middle of a giant ocean, only everyone else around can see just what's going on and it's me groping around trying to stay alive..

Savanah has completely cut me out of her life, no more Facebook, no more anything.

Chelsea has randomly decided to text me tonight, not very well, but enough to ask how work has been and what I've been up to. I stick to fairly straightforward answers and let her know Dustin forgot his phone at work, if she was trying to get a hold of him and wasn't able to, that was the reason why.

I lost my spot at the shop.

My car is definitely on it's last legs and I don't have the money to save it right now, I don't have the money to save myself and buy food..

I currently have a suspended Driver License, unregistered car, warrant and two different court systems I have to speak to the judge at. I drive 40 miles to work, in one direction, so the odds of getting pulled over are fairly high.

I've been struggling with this piece I've been working on for about two months, give or take a couple weeks. I had a lot of motivation to get my artwork to improve, but I'm burning out, too much negativity swimming around my head.

I haven't gone to sleep yet and my alarm goes off in 1 hour, this will mark 23 hours I've been up, and I still have to go to work today for another +8 hours. When I finally get home from work, I'll still not be able to sleep, too much on my mind and no way to release.. I'm running in circles and going nowhere.

I haven't shaved my face since Savanah stopped talking to me, it's developing into this somewhat ugly beard, it's been about two weeks.

I truly just wish things really did progress with Chelsea, she seemed like she really appreciated how hard I worked, how much I pushed myself to be accomplished and make her smile.. She wanted to be honest and have good communication, but then she left abruptly with an utter lack of those things. It makes me really wonder what I am doing wrong..

At times I want nothing more than to just be alone.. other times, I want someone to love, that loves me, so when I start feeling like I'm drowning, they can be that little bit of sunshine that tells me to keep going. I have a decent job, I'm fairly intelligent, I don't take myself too seriously, I have many useful skills, straightforward and open, adventurous and kind of reckless, I tend to jump head first into things, with my heart on my sleeve. I'm not that tall, only 5'6.5", I am in decent shape still from when I was really getting into weight lifting, I think my looks aren't too bad, but who's to say? I'm confident, approachable, strong, dependable and reliable, I do all those cute things that girls like, like holding hands, forehead kisses, eskimo kisses and I leave notes... because I like those things as well, I like them in return, I like to be able to let go if I need to and drop my sword and shield, just shed the weight for a while..

I don't think I'm going to find what I want here, not now anyway.. I really feel like I need to go on this adventure, things aren't improving for me here and it's making me sleep less and less.. I can't take feeling so empty from giving so much.. I gave Savanah all I was, same with Chelsea, and every other girl I've dated, but they've taken and then walked away..

I might push the Adventure till Spring next year, I could use the time to really build up a nest egg for it, though I don't think I could handle being around for another holiday and being so alone while seeing everyone else so happy and together. I'd much rather be physically alone than feeling alone in groups of people that worry about me too much. Anyway, I suppose I should try to work on this piece a while more before I have to get ready for work.

Later days,


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