To say the least.
I have recently had a job-switch, and instead of my vocational students, I am with 9th and 10th grade special education students. I get to go to some of their classes, ones more laden with kids with needs (i.e., environmental science is a class with a roster of 16, and 13 of them have IEPs), or ones that have fewer students but more significant needs.
A class I now go to is biology. I know many of these kids from years past, both camp and teaching at the elementary level. I feel like this adds to my disturbance about what I heard today.
I kid you not, on a lesson about 'What Makes Something a Living Thing', I overheard the following questions/comments:
- (on growth (small -> big) vs change (caterpillar -> butterfly) "You mean like how a twig becomes a tree?"
- (on the subject of a-sexual reproduction, mentioning that bees help with pollination because they drop some pollen on the pistil) "Wait - are you saying a bee and a flower could like, make a baby together!??!?"
- (on learning that life must be at least one-cell, or multicellular, and that yes, sperm are cells) "Do sperm need oxygen?" (had just covered that cells need oxygen in almost all cases) and "Do sperm have eyes?"
There are 14 - 16 year olds (some might be older, I don't know all of them that well). All of them have taken sciences, INCLUDING life sciences and health, before walking into this room.
The future now scares me LOTS.
Excerpts from Life
These are various little things that I am wanting to remember, as well as share for future reference.
Excerpts from my life, though they are randomly places on here, they carry a thread of ever present themes. The reoccurring theme in these is, when looked at fundamentally, Love, or rather the desire and belief in it.
As my dear friend Maddie said upon my unloading of these things on her, "Le sigh. Oh the tangled web we weave...," which I believe puts into perspective perfectly how life is, and our place in it. I told her of Anna, this past weekend, as well as the Cardinal Rules I laid out for myself, which lay broken many times over, in no order; Don't sleep with a friend, don't sleep with an ex's friend, don't make a one-night stand cum, don't make a one-night stand cum multiple times in a single event, don't spend extended time around a female whom you find attractive and her SO, don't develop feelings for a female with a SO, and don't get to know a female interest's SO. Someday, soon, I feel I'll make a better recollection of the rules which I govern myself by... Anyway, the story goes on.
This past weekend I helped Anna move. Kelly, her boyfriend, was there to help as well, though it was honestly just Anna's stuff I helped move, as his was elsewhere and nowhere near as numerous as her possessions. This event was to start 10am Saturday, though didn't really start till later in the afternoon, finishing Sunday evening. It involved going to various places to gather her belongings, Logan in particular having most of her things. Over the course of the weekend I got to know Anna better, as well as Kelly. I also had the opportunity to meet her family and spend time with them, whom reflected the lacking in my own family I long for. They were a real family, they were happy to be around each other, they joked around and laughed and it was really nice, not like the venom dripping words exchanged in my family or the uneasy nature being around them. All in all, I would love to be around them again, though it is hardly my place to be around them at all, let alone Anna. Kelly mostly complained the whole time, which was rather irritating to myself in particular considering this was all for their benefit, his included, considering he now has a place to go home to, a caring person there, a place that is their own, whereas I am still staying at an ex's place, things are still tense at times and sleep never comes easy, nor do I ever feel welcomed completely, just another piece of furniture. Anyway, all in all, it's probably this weekend that has made things somewhat hard to be around Anna now, having realizing I do indeed have feelings for her and admire her.
Excerpt from Evernote, written during the drive to Salt Lake from Logan, titled : The Impossibilities of Trying to be Friends with a Girl you're Attracted to.
If there's one thing you'd think I'd have learned in my life about women and myself, it's this lesson.. It's never a good idea to be interested in a girl that has a bf, and it's even worst to try to be her friend. I have an inevitably impossibility of doing this when it comes to trying to be friends with a girl in this situation, because she doesn't feel that way for me, yet I'll put myself into situations that will cause myself pain in order to be closer. It's stupid, it's a selfish and it's childish. Even worst, it's to meet the bf, no matter what they're like, it's a mistake to do.It's how you got yourself into this situation, having a glimpse of life, outside looking in. The only thing you can do is avoid her eyes and get this job over quickly..
I cannot allow myself to become silently ill-willed toward Anna because of how I feel, she has a right to know how I feel, just as I don't have a right to hide behind it and allow it to be a problem never voiced. I will say this, however, being at work with her is hard now.
In other news, I had dinner with Katie last night, she made a delicious veggie pasta type concoction along with chicken. After we just talked a bit, though she wanted things to end in the bedroom, I wasn't feeling wholly up to it, so when we did end up in the bedroom, I opted for just relaxing together before taking my leave around 10pm. It was nothing against her, I just wasn't feeling up to having sex, I was exhausted from the weekend and achy all over, not to mention getting back on my medication from the previous drought over the holiday, so ill side-effects are in effect. I feel she's hoping for more, something I am sorry to admit, I am not, not with her.
Things at work are progressing rapidly, as ever, especially for this "Electromechanical Technician." I say that in quotations, because I've done hardly anything in relation to what I was hired for. I doubt I covered this in any other entry, but I do Shipping, Spooling, 3D Modeling, Graphic Designing and Parts Expediting and Contract Negotiating with suppliers.. All I can say is my resume, and LinkedIn is going to look pretty damn good... Lol. Zach, one of my coworkers at Zeni, convinced me to make a LinkedIn, which I did, however I haven't done much with it. I am happy to say things are going along swimmingly for our team, all <10 of us haha.. I think our team is really 9, but I never know who's just helping and who actually works there sometimes.
Anyway, time to get back to work on, well, work.
PS, I need to figure out a way to export my blog, I don't want to see it missing again..
I feel like I'm lost in the middle of a giant ocean, only everyone else around can see just what's going on and it's me groping around trying to stay alive..
Savanah has completely cut me out of her life, no more Facebook, no more anything.
Chelsea has randomly decided to text me tonight, not very well, but enough to ask how work has been and what I've been up to. I stick to fairly straightforward answers and let her know Dustin forgot his phone at work, if she was trying to get a hold of him and wasn't able to, that was the reason why.
I lost my spot at the shop.
My car is definitely on it's last legs and I don't have the money to save it right now, I don't have the money to save myself and buy food..
I currently have a suspended Driver License, unregistered car, warrant and two different court systems I have to speak to the judge at. I drive 40 miles to work, in one direction, so the odds of getting pulled over are fairly high.
I've been struggling with this piece I've been working on for about two months, give or take a couple weeks. I had a lot of motivation to get my artwork to improve, but I'm burning out, too much negativity swimming around my head.
I haven't gone to sleep yet and my alarm goes off in 1 hour, this will mark 23 hours I've been up, and I still have to go to work today for another +8 hours. When I finally get home from work, I'll still not be able to sleep, too much on my mind and no way to release.. I'm running in circles and going nowhere.
I haven't shaved my face since Savanah stopped talking to me, it's developing into this somewhat ugly beard, it's been about two weeks.
I truly just wish things really did progress with Chelsea, she seemed like she really appreciated how hard I worked, how much I pushed myself to be accomplished and make her smile.. She wanted to be honest and have good communication, but then she left abruptly with an utter lack of those things. It makes me really wonder what I am doing wrong..
At times I want nothing more than to just be alone.. other times, I want someone to love, that loves me, so when I start feeling like I'm drowning, they can be that little bit of sunshine that tells me to keep going. I have a decent job, I'm fairly intelligent, I don't take myself too seriously, I have many useful skills, straightforward and open, adventurous and kind of reckless, I tend to jump head first into things, with my heart on my sleeve. I'm not that tall, only 5'6.5", I am in decent shape still from when I was really getting into weight lifting, I think my looks aren't too bad, but who's to say? I'm confident, approachable, strong, dependable and reliable, I do all those cute things that girls like, like holding hands, forehead kisses, eskimo kisses and I leave notes... because I like those things as well, I like them in return, I like to be able to let go if I need to and drop my sword and shield, just shed the weight for a while..
I don't think I'm going to find what I want here, not now anyway.. I really feel like I need to go on this adventure, things aren't improving for me here and it's making me sleep less and less.. I can't take feeling so empty from giving so much.. I gave Savanah all I was, same with Chelsea, and every other girl I've dated, but they've taken and then walked away..
I might push the Adventure till Spring next year, I could use the time to really build up a nest egg for it, though I don't think I could handle being around for another holiday and being so alone while seeing everyone else so happy and together. I'd much rather be physically alone than feeling alone in groups of people that worry about me too much. Anyway, I suppose I should try to work on this piece a while more before I have to get ready for work.
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