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Relationship Woes...
Sometimes I find it highly difficult to express my emotions toward women and often times I fail miserably.
The one woman I thought would want to be with me and accept me for my weird nature revealed her real nature and I, being an idiot, see it for what it is. I'm happy, angry, and sad but the happiness seems to take precedent over the other two emotions.
She made me confident in myself; she changed my thoughts on the small things. But.... I'm back at square one and I'm just sitting here, cooking dinner, listening to some positive and negative songs, and feeling that I'm doing the same old thing all over again.
This has to end. I'm not falling into my old depressive nature again. I'm still pretty, confident, and not perfect and I'm ready to make amends for everything that's happening. Yeah, this new me is cool and the old me has to figuratively speaking die.
I'll be sad for a bit and hopefully bounce back soon.
 
 
   
 

 

   
Street Signs

It’s interesting how you can still remember your passwords, years later…



 



I know I made the right decision, but I still think of him.



 



It doesn’t help that on my way to work, two street names are his first and middle.



 



I would have taken that as a sign, years ago.



 



But I no longer believe in signs.



 



Life is what you make it.



 



For better or for worse, I am responsible for my own decisions.



 



Those street signs would only lead me the wrong way…


 
 
   
 

'ware the jabber...
"Yes, words are useless! Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble! Too much of it, darling, too much! That is why I show you my work! That is why you are here!"

So that's Edna, from the Incredibles. Possibly my favorite character, just for sheer enthusiasm.

Couple of us wives are meeting once a week, going through Ephesians, looking for the statements about our identity. That's pretty cool. And we talk about what that identity means for us in our marriages, in our friendships, at work, with our church family, etc.

So, both wives had an odd request for me. I'm used to thinking in terms of, women deal with women, men deal with men. This is, perhaps, something of a cultural leftover from the hypervigilance several of us had when a friend's wife cheated on him while we were all working overseas. They asked me to stop doing this - that if I need to talk with either of their husbands about something, that I just talk with him, instead of going through his wife. There are other points that bug them, too, like being hyper-cautious about riding in a vehicle with one of their husbands by myself, or that I'd rather stay over at my single girlfriend's place for the night than with S (who lives next door), because mornings are an intimate time for me and I would feel awkward sharing that with her husband when mine is unavailable.

Overall, the message was, "Look, it was kind of sweet when we didn't know you, but we're friends now, we really do trust you and our husbands, this is just ridiculous."

So, that's been on my mind. I don't have an answer. I can't keep irritating them with this, and it's going against the grain of what I'm used to, to just interact directly with the guys. Okay, yes, these guys are friends with Rick.

Apparently I've also been communicating to both of them, by talking in the group more than my husband does, that I don't respect my husband.

Huh.

This is especially interesting to me, because one of these women has communicated by frequently ridiculing her husband in public that she doesn't respect him. (Not the case - turns out that was an outpouring of her own feelings guilt and dislike for herself.) S pointed out that she and her husband know each other's views of the Bible so well that she already knows what he's going to say when he speaks, so she doesn't feel the need to add anything to it.

H-uh.

That's definitely not going on with Rick and me.

(Actually, Rick thinks I read too much. We tried me-not-reading for about four days. I was really stressed. We tried me-just-reading-at-designated-times, which worked about as well as watching a movie for an hour each day. Currently, we're trying the approach of overloading my reading plate with material I need for class, so that what I'm reading is theoretically useful. I like anatomy. Nom nom A&P textbooks.)

And then we three wives got into why do I talk as much as I do? I mean, they were honestly interested.

I usually just shrug and announce, "I'm an extrovert," but there's two reasons that doesn't work here. One, S doesn't believe there's such a thing as extroverts and introverts. Two, I know perfectly well that I talk when I'm excited, and I talk when I'm nervous. When I'm relaxed and happy, like hanging out with Jewel at her house and it's just the two of us, I'm a "quiet extrovert." I want to be around people, but I don't necessarily need to converse, just want to be near them.

In our little tribe, I'm nervous. Every time I talk, it's because I'm eager to prove that I have something of value to offer.

Because I feel like I don't. More than that, I feel like if other people don't believe I have something to offer, then they'll leave me out of things. They won't want me around. I'll lose the opportunity to have relationships

It's actually pretty stupid. Because I know that Rick, S, and A think I'm beautiful; they all tell me so. I know Jewel appreciates me being there; she's told me so. There's always a nasty little whisper, "That was then. This is now. You messed up in THIS way and THIS OTHER THING since then. You have to prove yourself again." And, of course, all I end up proving is that I'm overeager to talk.

Last night, I had the opportunity to experience the other side of this. Several of us in class are assigned to a sort of group project, we're getting to know each other. One young lady (dresses well, very pretty hair and skin, has a lot of the visual points women like to have going for themselves) is the most likely, out of the handful of us, to burst in with commentary designed to prove that she has some experience and knowledge to share. It's not that she's wrong in what she's saying, it's that it's a little irrelevant, and it's honestly okay not to know much; this is a basic level course, the instructors expect that most of us are beginners.

So, Thursday I had this talk with the other two wives, and then Friday I'm watching/listening to instruction punctuated by happy-desperate bursts of semi-relevant information, thinking, "Huh. Is that what it's like for the others?"

There's a point where Jesus advises people, "If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and throw it from you. If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it away." Obviously, He's not referring to physically maiming - it's still completely possible to lust with the remaining eye, steal with the remaining hand. But that's what I'm thinking of. I seem to keep coming back to this idea that I just plain talk too much, and I wish I could just remove my tongue and fix the problem. Physically removing the offending member isn't going to change the heart-nature, though; whatever the problem is at heart, it'd just find some other way to express.

I don't want to be disrespectful and offensive. Do I "not-want" that enough to put in the effort to make an uncomfortable change?

I really don't know. I thought I did. But we keep coming back to this.
 
 
 

   
DUGTUNGAN

Meron akong kwento

Tungkol sa dalawang tao

Na pinagtagpo ng tadhana

Sa panahong hindi inaasahan.

Sa simula ay pangiti-ngiti lang

Nang lumaon ay panay na ang kwentuhan

Ng mga samu’t-saring bagay.

Mga nakatatawa at nagpapa-isip,

Mga pangarap at panaginip.

Matuling lumilipas ang oras

Pag magkasama sila.

Hindi nila alintana ang init ng araw

O ang malakas na pag-ulan –

Ang mahalaga ay naroon ang isa’t-isa

Kahit pa nga kung saan man yan.

Malimit silang nagtatawanan

At kung minsan mang hindi magkasundo,

Ay madali ring nagagawan ng paraan.

Para silang yin at yang,

Pagsikat at paglubog ng araw,

Pintura at putting canvas –

Pwede ring beer at sisig,

Tapsilog at kape,

Longanisa at suka.

Sa medaling salita, sila ay perpektong magsama –

Pinaghalong tamis at pait,

Asim at alat,

Anghang at sarap.

Ito ay isang kwentong wala pang ending.

May simula na at gitna

Ngunit hindi pa nalalagyan

Ng tamang wakas.

Siguro dahil hinahanap pa ng mga bida

Ang tamang panahon

Para lagyan ng tamang karugtong

Ang katuloy ng istorya.

May alam akong isang kwento

At hinihintay ko pa ang kahihinatnan

Ng istoryang nasimulan.

 

/em

072114mon.

To chixeggs

 
 
   
 

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Re: Personal update - fuck me i’m drunk and retarded lol

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