It's that not mentioning it for two years of marriage is a problem.
Because he's my battle-buddy. We go into situations together. We have each other's backs.
Asperger's, in my world, is like the 'seer' born every so often on the Hork-Bajir homeworld. A 'seer' is different, his parents know he's different. It's not a happy or a sad thing - it's a knowing that something is coming for which their people need a seer. That's Asperger's. It's kind of like a superhero trying to blend in at high school - he has some very cool abilities, and some things impact him very differently.
In our case, this is me learning that my battle-buddy has been going into the field blind every time, and finding things by extremely specific echo-location, or infrared. That's really cool. That also explains that IED he didn't see, that earned us both a lot of shrapnel. If I'd known then that he doesn't see on the normal-light spectrum, I would have mentioned said IED. It's come up more than once, and each time I just figured he was doing a lot, had a lot going on, and didn't notice it.
He hates the word. Because he's very high-functioning, compared with most of the people who have noticeable Asperger's. He sees it as a label that some doctor slapped on a combination of symptoms that kept coming up, and figured that as long as he told me about each of the symptoms HE has, that was what was important.
So when he explained that he's sometimes pretty socially awkward, I chalked that up to his homeschool background.
And when he explained that he doesn't feel things the same way I do, I just figured that was part of being male.
And when he explained that he's not like the average male - okay, every single male I have been friends with has explained to me, "I'm not like other guys." "I'm not like your average male." "I'm not like a normal guy." All right? (This is just something I understand as a guy thing - not that I disbelieve them, just that I understand they have some concept of "average guy," that I will never understand, and they want me to be very clear that they are not THAT guy. Okay then.)
And he explained that he's an introvert, and I took that at face value. Jewel is an introvert. My dog-trainer friend is an introvert.
And he explained that he has extra-sensitive hearing, and that's why the music is usually turned down and we always sit in the far back at church. I just thought that was some random Rick-quirk.
So he covered his bases.
And I almost spent the night at Jewel's last night, for the first time in our marriage, because I was so angry with him I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't lash out at him when he got home from class that night. Home needs to be a safe place. If I'm a danger to that, I need to take it somewhere else until I have it under control.
(One of the other frustrations is realizing that this is why he sometimes doesn't tell me rather key information - because he doesn't feel the same emotions as other people, he doesn't register that information as particularly important. He's not hiding it - you can tell by how it comes out. For example, we're watching a movie together, and he comments, "Hey, that guy looks like my stepbrother!" I pause the movie and turn to stare at him, "You have a stepbrother??" His stepbrother just isn't a big deal to him - it's on a level with, "I once had a blue bike," or something similar. Nobody hides their childhood bicycle preferences; it's just not something that comes up much in conversation. Similar thing happened when he started smoking to deal with work-stress - he mentioned it at some point, I expressed my displeasure, he quit.)
About a third of the way over to Jewel's, I remembered something I'd once asked Rick. I was in tears at the time, crumpled into a little ball on the floor - we knew I was taking on some heavy spiritual attack, but we didn't know how to fight it. And I tearfully pleaded with Rick, "Why me? What's the point in attacking me? I'm nobody! I don't DO anything to advance the Kingdom; I just live in it!"
Rick pointed out very soberly that if someone's trying to wreck him, taking me out is a good way to do it. And that cleared things up pretty swiftly - if I was an enemy trying to wreck a man who loved his family, I'd take his family away. Or isolate him somehow.
So I turned around, headed back home, and prayed for Rick for about an hour.
I'm still really frustrated. But he's mine to love, respect, and trust for as long as God entrusts him to me. Leaving when it's hard gives Satan a foothold here. "There will be none of that here!"
Remember that last entry I had? All about foreign language? I passed all of my French classes woohoo! I still do not understand to this day on how an English major needs to have three semesters worth of foreign language. I'm most likely forgetting about about it unforunately, but with everything going on in France as of late, I've actually been catching things here and there which is a surprise. Just that closer to graduating.
Speaking of graduating. I never thought I see those words again or to be using it again. If everything works out guys, I'll be graduating by the end of this summer. I still can't believe I'm so close to graduating! There are a few problems. I still have to deal with school. I'm already so far ahead but I need to focus on what's happening now. I think this is the reason why I've come back to write this, to process my thoughts a bit more thoroughly. Senior seminar is kind of killing me. I feel like all my ideas are stupid and not academic enough, even the professor has been shootingthem down so I'm a bit scared on that class. Scared enough that I feel like I'm not understanding but too afraid to ask, I feel like a lot of stuff is just catching up and that I haven't learned anything at all. Prayers are seriously needed so I can get myself together.
Another big event here is I had to get my wisdom tooth pulled out. It ended up getting a chip aka giant hole in the tooth. And for me to be a poor ass college student wasn't helping. I paid out of pocket to get it removed. To tell you the truth, it's probably been some time, like ten years since I got my teach looked at. Hopefully with graduating that I can gt a job right after words. That's what's been running through my mind. I'm so close to finishing school and that's WITHOUT ANY DEBT. However things are starting to catch up to me, I'm so close guys so close to making it.
I've applied for a lot of Turner Broadcasting internships. Another reason I'm scared because it's been so long since I've been out of the real world work force. I've completely revamped my resume which I needed, it had been nearly four years since it was updated. It looks good but there's so much more I need to do. My brother found something for me and it's full time, but I'm not sure if I can take the job now though. IT's so frustrating having to see that. I mean making that job mine and turning it into a internship for my intern class would be great. I would walk into a full time job right as I take my final class (Internship), after that I would already be working in my job. Another set of prayers are needed for this as well.
Also isn't Valentine's day is coming up? I know everyone is either doesn't believe in it or is reminded by single awareness day. I just want to remind everyone that I'm sure there's someone you love and that loves you back. Spend it with a friend, a sibling, a pet, and etc. There's more to things in way than just being in a dating relationship. Speaking of relationships. Mine is still going okay in a way, but of course there's a catch. As Many of you may or may not know, my girlfriendis Korean. Unfortunately the Korean society is coming up a lot in this. You know te whole "1,000 years of pure blood" or carrying on the name. It's to where she can get excommunicated from her whole family. It's so sad, I mean to have my skin color cause so many problems. I've been worried about her and I'm not here to break up anyone's family. I'm not sure what to do and sometimes I worry about myself around other girls. You all know I love to court omen, ever since I can remember as a little kid, I love love love females. I've been staying out of trouble but I worry about being a typical guy. -bangs head-
Hopefully you enjoyed the update, let me know what's going on with you. I have so any people to catch up on.
I thought I would write a closure Email to someone who was very important to me.
Fortunately that person wrote me back the same night (I wasn't expecting them to write back).
Now we have been Emailing back and forth and I can't go half the day with out hearing from him, It's as though I get frustrated if I don't.
Maybe I'm losing my damn mind.
... I wrote to say goodbye...
Maybe what I needed was to reconnect...
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