like a fool
sitting here staring at facebook like a pathetic fool... waiting for her to message me... i made a bigger fool out of myself last night, and the shame is too much to bear... i'm so totally depressed, i feel like all i want to do is sleep, but i cant even do that right now... i never want to hurt anyone again, i'm sick of heart break... drinking the booze has to stop, i cant handle that shit very well... when i'm around her and sober i can forgive her for the past, but add booze, and its a different story... i begin to think about all the fucked up things she's done to herself, and i internalize them like she did the deliberately to me or something... thats fucking madness... who am i to judge if what she's done was even fucked up to begin with? God, i'm so glad i'm sober now... i can fucking think straight... i dont want to get back to that point of thinking again... i just couldnt THINK i was just overwhelmed with false images and emotions... next thing i knew i was completely out of control... all i want to do is love her and her love me... but there is no room in that equation for alcohol ever again... in fact, i just assume to never drink again, i never really liked it... it makes me feel like shit even if i'm still in control... so whats the fucking point in drinking then? if i need a buzz there are many other chemicals that i can totally handle, like DXM... thats common enough and i can think and feel and be totally at peace with everything... now what tho? i sit here and wait for her to forgive me and want to talk again? does she even want to forgive me? or was this the excuse she needed to finally dump my ass for good? God this sucks...
Looking for decent people. Has anybody met any? Could you maybe point me towards them? I'd like to see one with my own eyes.
The pettiness, selfishness and common foolishness around me is ridiculous. How we manage to work as a society and have any form of group activity is beyond me. All I see around me is selfcentered egotistical people full of their own bullshit. Excuse my french.
What baffles me even more is that it seems to be hightened now, during Christmas time. Correct me if I'm worng, but isn't Christmas about giving, loving and caring for others? That's what I've been led to agree. Obviously, I never got the memo.
I could go on and on about this, but rather than spread my disappointment in the human kind more than I already have, I'll leave you with this:
"The beauty of life does not depend on how happy you are, but how happy others can be because of you."
Be kind and considerate to each other. Remember the gift of giving brings longer lasting joy than the gifts we recieve. Love others and have a very happy Christmas time!
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