So I fell in love with my best friend's brother. We spent an entire evening talking when I was in vacation with her family in Vegas... And that evening progressed into a morning of amazing sex, followed by an afternoon of talking and joking around and generally being happy. When I walked away from him I cried and I knew something had just shifted in a big way. It felt as if I was walking away from a part of myself. I promptly made plans to spend time in Portland ASAP... Because I needed to know if it was a worthwhile endeavor, or if I had just hurt the person closest to me for no reason. I can't even say I regret hurting my ex. Like I wish he hasn't have found out, especially the way he did going through my personal blog... But here I am.
Here is in Portland, Oregon, where everything is beautiful and the people are friendly. Where I can spend hours in a four-story book store or walk to a coffee cart that makes syrup from rosemary and lemon and the essence of a Douglas fir.
Here, where there's this man that has done everything in his power to make this an amazing vacation. Where this man has taken me on a date to IKEA just because I had never been to one. Where he walked through a forest in cowboy boots because my best friend wanted to explore a trail. He's affectionate and loving and finds me irresistible. He watches musicals and sings karaoke and has spent every night in my bed. I told him how I felt. He didn't quite say it back but he did tell me he was falling for me. He tells me how obsessed he is with me. He has a dimple on only his right cheek and a scar from falling on a coffee table that he told me was from combat and I almost cried. He can make me come without touching me below the waist. He plays with my hands and wraps his arms around me and always looks just so incredibly happy when he's with me. He rests his head on me and lets me play with his hair and says ridiculously sweet things to me. He's hardworking and intelligent and driven. I love to fall asleep on his chest.
I found out yesterday that his girlfriend is/was going to move in with him. I was pretty heartbroken and just about bailed on our date. I'm glad that I didn't... He took me dancing. Actually dancing, with an instructor and everything. It was amazing. And then we went to this amazing dinner... Where the entire course was meat. Oh. My. Goodness. Then we came home and talked about us. He is afraid that I'm too much of a risk. That because I am young and beautiful and inexperienced concerning relationships, that I'll end up hurting him. That he doesn't know if he can trust me. I talked a bit about why I made the choices I did... Not because I was horny or intoxicated, but because I was lonely and not getting what I needed from my relationship. I'm still not sure where we stand, precisely, but before we went to sleep I told him I hope I could be the right person for him, because I do love him. And as I tried to roll away to go to sleep, he held me and whispered to me if he could be honest with me... That he loved me, too.
I am having a really hard time processing all the evil I've been hearing about lately.
Seems like these days, more than usual, I have been hearing stories on humans being cruel to each other. Women in certain countries getting acid thrown in their faces, human trafficking not only in far away lands, but also as close as the USA, torture, theft, murder...
Age old question: Why is there so much evil in the world?
One story struck me most of all, because it wasn't just a somebody who I had never met, in a country I had never been to. This was a friend living in the same city as me. My friend.
This friend of mine was taken into a drug addicts house by his very close friend, and he was held captive there for 3 hours against his will. He was tortured, both mentally and physically, for his bank account information and his social security number. He thankfully escaped, and his physical wounds are healing, but his mental wounds never will.
If one can't trust their long time close friend, who can one trust? How can people be so cruel to one another?
I'm a very compassionate person. I feel very deeply for other peoples pain, and this one struck deep. So deep, I wish I could stop feeling anything. I am troubled by the thought that I might never be able to save the whole world from the pain that others cause us.
I have recently started to do voluntary work at hospitals and I find that nothing is better than helping those who really need it. So here's food for thought: This year, instead of making resolutions to improve yourself in some way, try resolving to help others. Nothing helps more than helping someone in need.
Happy New Year!
I am putting this out there into the the blogging universe:
I'm 20 years old, and have never been in a relationship. I have never made love or had meaningless sex. But worst of all, I have never even had a real kiss. As far as I know, nobody has ever wanted me.
I feel so unloved, so unwanted and so ugly, I can't even begin to describe it. I try to keep being myself, and not caring about what other people think, but it is getting painfully hard, when I get no recognition for my true me.
I am alone.
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