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Round Two of the Same
It's not that Asperger's Syndrome is a problem, per se.

It's that not mentioning it for two years of marriage is a problem.

Because he's my battle-buddy. We go into situations together. We have each other's backs.

Asperger's, in my world, is like the 'seer' born every so often on the Hork-Bajir homeworld. A 'seer' is different, his parents know he's different. It's not a happy or a sad thing - it's a knowing that something is coming for which their people need a seer. That's Asperger's. It's kind of like a superhero trying to blend in at high school - he has some very cool abilities, and some things impact him very differently.

In our case, this is me learning that my battle-buddy has been going into the field blind every time, and finding things by extremely specific echo-location, or infrared. That's really cool. That also explains that IED he didn't see, that earned us both a lot of shrapnel. If I'd known then that he doesn't see on the normal-light spectrum, I would have mentioned said IED. It's come up more than once, and each time I just figured he was doing a lot, had a lot going on, and didn't notice it.

He hates the word. Because he's very high-functioning, compared with most of the people who have noticeable Asperger's. He sees it as a label that some doctor slapped on a combination of symptoms that kept coming up, and figured that as long as he told me about each of the symptoms HE has, that was what was important. 

So when he explained that he's sometimes pretty socially awkward, I chalked that up to his homeschool background.
And when he explained that he doesn't feel things the same way I do, I just figured that was part of being male.
And when he explained that he's not like the average male - okay, every single male I have been friends with has explained to me, "I'm not like other guys." "I'm not like your average male." "I'm not like a normal guy." All right? (This is just something I understand as a guy thing - not that I disbelieve them, just that I understand they have some concept of "average guy," that I will never understand, and they want me to be very clear that they are not THAT guy. Okay then.)
And he explained that he's an introvert, and I took that at face value. Jewel is an introvert. My dog-trainer friend is an introvert. 
And he explained that he has extra-sensitive hearing, and that's why the music is usually turned down and we always sit in the far back at church. I just thought that was some random Rick-quirk.

So he covered his bases.

And I almost spent the night at Jewel's last night, for the first time in our marriage, because I was so angry with him I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't lash out at him when he got home from class that night. Home needs to be a safe place. If I'm a danger to that, I need to take it somewhere else until I have it under control.

(One of the other frustrations is realizing that this is why he sometimes doesn't tell me rather key information - because he doesn't feel the same emotions as other people, he doesn't register that information as particularly important. He's not hiding it - you can tell by how it comes out. For example, we're watching a movie together, and he comments, "Hey, that guy looks like my stepbrother!" I pause the movie and turn to stare at him, "You have a stepbrother??" His stepbrother just isn't a big deal to him - it's on a level with, "I once had a blue bike," or something similar. Nobody hides their childhood bicycle preferences; it's just not something that comes up much in conversation. Similar thing happened when he started smoking to deal with work-stress - he mentioned it at some point, I expressed my displeasure, he quit.)

About a third of the way over to Jewel's, I remembered something I'd once asked Rick. I was in tears at the time, crumpled into a little ball on the floor - we knew I was taking on some heavy spiritual attack, but we didn't know how to fight it. And I tearfully pleaded with Rick, "Why me? What's the point in attacking me? I'm nobody! I don't DO anything to advance the Kingdom; I just live in it!" 
Rick pointed out very soberly that if someone's trying to wreck him, taking me out is a good way to do it. And that cleared things up pretty swiftly - if I was an enemy trying to wreck a man who loved his family, I'd take his family away. Or isolate him somehow. 

So I turned around, headed back home, and prayed for Rick for about an hour.

I'm still really frustrated. But he's mine to love, respect, and trust for as long as God entrusts him to me. Leaving when it's hard gives Satan a foothold here. "There will be none of that here!"



I've been thinking how necessary love is to human existence -- any love, not just romantic -- even if it's loving your cat, even if the last time you felt loved was ten years ago -- and yet how, by itself, it just isn't enough. I guess what I've been dealing with is the romantic side, and it seems especially true then... you can love somebody till you're blue in the face, but that has nothing to do with whether it's good for you, whether it will make your life better or worse.

It's not like this is the worst thing to happen ever, though. I just hung out with a lady at the library that's been trying to stay off crack, and she said it's tiring how difficult it is to better yourself. And how it's so easy to do bad, but when you try to do good, everything tries to push you back down. I hope she ends up ok.


Time for an Update 2015
It has been way too long guys. Instead of me apologizing all the time, let me give you want you really want. A DAMN UPDATE!

Remember that last entry I had? All about foreign language? I passed all of my French classes woohoo! I still do not understand to this day on how an English major needs to have three semesters worth of foreign language. I'm most likely forgetting about about it unforunately, but with everything going on in France as of late, I've actually been catching things here and there which is a surprise. Just that closer to graduating.

Speaking of graduating. I never thought I see those words again or to be using it again. If everything works out guys, I'll be graduating by the end of this summer. I still can't believe I'm so close to graduating! There are a few problems. I still have to deal with school. I'm already so far ahead but I need to focus on what's happening now. I think this is the reason why I've come back to write this, to process my thoughts a bit more thoroughly. Senior seminar is kind of killing me. I feel like all my ideas are stupid and not academic enough, even the professor has been shootingthem down so I'm a bit scared on that class. Scared enough that I feel like I'm not understanding but too afraid to ask, I feel like a lot of stuff is just catching up and that I haven't learned anything at all. Prayers are seriously needed so I can get myself together.

Another big event here is I had to get my wisdom tooth pulled out. It ended up getting a chip aka giant hole in the tooth. And for me to be a poor ass college student wasn't helping. I paid out of pocket to get it removed. To tell you the truth, it's probably been some time, like ten years since I got my teach looked at. Hopefully with graduating that I can gt a job right after words. That's what's been running through my mind. I'm so close to finishing school and that's WITHOUT ANY DEBT. However things are starting to catch up to me, I'm so close guys so close to making it.

I've applied for a lot of Turner Broadcasting internships. Another reason I'm scared because it's been so long since I've been out of the real world work force. I've completely revamped my resume which I needed, it had been nearly four years since it was updated. It looks good but there's so much more I need to do. My brother found something for me and it's full time, but I'm not sure if I can take the job now though. IT's so frustrating having to see that. I mean making that job mine and turning it into a internship for my intern class would be great. I would walk into a full time job right as I take my final class (Internship), after that I would already be working in my job. Another set of prayers are needed for this as well.

Also isn't Valentine's day is coming up? I know everyone is either doesn't believe in it or is reminded by single awareness day. I just want to remind everyone that I'm sure there's someone you love and that loves you back. Spend it with a friend, a sibling, a pet, and etc. There's more to things in way than just being in a dating relationship. Speaking of relationships. Mine is still going okay in a way, but of course there's a catch. As Many of you may or may not know, my girlfriendis Korean. Unfortunately the Korean society is coming up a lot in this. You know te whole "1,000 years of pure blood" or carrying on the name. It's to where she can get excommunicated from her whole family. It's so sad, I mean to have my skin color cause so many problems. I've been worried about her and I'm not here to break up anyone's family. I'm not sure what to do and sometimes I worry about myself around other girls. You all know I love to court omen, ever since I can remember as a little kid, I love love love females. I've been staying out of trouble but I worry about being a typical guy. -bangs head-

Hopefully you enjoyed the update, let me know what's going on with you. I have so any people to catch up on.


The Ruined King goes before the Judge
It's 8:17am, January 9th, and I'm awaiting my court trial, pretrial as it is, for my DUI, Speeding and failure to signal or something. I sit here in the living room of my roommate, Ria, my ex and a good friend, sitting on the couch with no shirt, having freshly showered, just enjoying a cup of coffee while my brain processes the last 8 hours.

Anna, the coworker I find myself attracted to, did something not entirely unexpected, and frankly intriguing last night. We didn't talk after I told her I was interested in her, but a few hours later she sent me a Snap on Snapchat and one thing lead to another, eventually to the point of, "Are you a little emotionally masochistic?" which made me laugh because I am often known as a glutton for punishment. She goes on to say, "Because there are websites you could indulge in..." "Particularly a certain "Fetlife"" "But that's up to you," she says all this with a dark and knowing smile, all the while seemingly indulging herself. I end up seeing a side of her I had my suspicions about, and honestly, it didn't turn me away at all. It's like I gained a better understanding and interest in her, one wholly different from one I could ever satisfy no matter the time spent with her. She ends the night by saying "Life is weird." I cannot begin to imagine what goes on in her head, but I find it rather enjoyable.

I need to get ready for court, but this whole situation peaks my curiosity, not only in a sexual way, but in a way related to the way you feel when you find a new artist with a style that just captivates and confounds you, leaving you wanting more and to simply admire without touching, in fear such an act would leave it changed forever. I'm rather sure Anna is a fire and I am going to get burned rather badly, in the best possible way.

I must say, twenty-five is a strange age for me, so much has happened, in four months and a few days, I'll be twenty-six, I can only imagine where that leads me, if this past year of life is any indication, I still couldn't give my wildest guess.. This day will definitely show the options I have for the next year or two. 

The stray cat that I fed and housed over the winter has returned to visit, looking bigger and healthy, leading me to  believe he's a well cared for indoor/outdoor cat, or he's a very smart stray, playing the field to his advantage. I say he's a he, but in all reality, I don't know if he is or isn't. Never been one for cats, though when I leave, I will likely try to take him with me.

I feel this is a good place to stop, I need to shave and finish getting ready, now that my roommate is up and in the shower, she'll be taking her place in front of the mirror before long.

Later days,


PS, I will make a list of goals while sitting in court, without knowing a heading, you'll never find the path to take.

Goodbye... Hello?

I thought I would write a closure Email to someone who was very important to me.

Fortunately that person wrote me back the same night (I wasn't expecting them to write back).

Now we have been Emailing back and forth and I can't go half the day with out hearing from him, It's as though I get frustrated if I don't.

Maybe I'm losing my damn mind.

... I wrote to say goodbye...

Maybe what I needed was to reconnect...


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