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The Ruined King goes before the Judge
It's 8:17am, January 9th, and I'm awaiting my court trial, pretrial as it is, for my DUI, Speeding and failure to signal or something. I sit here in the living room of my roommate, Ria, my ex and a good friend, sitting on the couch with no shirt, having freshly showered, just enjoying a cup of coffee while my brain processes the last 8 hours.

Anna, the coworker I find myself attracted to, did something not entirely unexpected, and frankly intriguing last night. We didn't talk after I told her I was interested in her, but a few hours later she sent me a Snap on Snapchat and one thing lead to another, eventually to the point of, "Are you a little emotionally masochistic?" which made me laugh because I am often known as a glutton for punishment. She goes on to say, "Because there are websites you could indulge in..." "Particularly a certain "Fetlife"" "But that's up to you," she says all this with a dark and knowing smile, all the while seemingly indulging herself. I end up seeing a side of her I had my suspicions about, and honestly, it didn't turn me away at all. It's like I gained a better understanding and interest in her, one wholly different from one I could ever satisfy no matter the time spent with her. She ends the night by saying "Life is weird." I cannot begin to imagine what goes on in her head, but I find it rather enjoyable.

I need to get ready for court, but this whole situation peaks my curiosity, not only in a sexual way, but in a way related to the way you feel when you find a new artist with a style that just captivates and confounds you, leaving you wanting more and to simply admire without touching, in fear such an act would leave it changed forever. I'm rather sure Anna is a fire and I am going to get burned rather badly, in the best possible way.

I must say, twenty-five is a strange age for me, so much has happened, in four months and a few days, I'll be twenty-six, I can only imagine where that leads me, if this past year of life is any indication, I still couldn't give my wildest guess.. This day will definitely show the options I have for the next year or two. 

The stray cat that I fed and housed over the winter has returned to visit, looking bigger and healthy, leading me to  believe he's a well cared for indoor/outdoor cat, or he's a very smart stray, playing the field to his advantage. I say he's a he, but in all reality, I don't know if he is or isn't. Never been one for cats, though when I leave, I will likely try to take him with me.

I feel this is a good place to stop, I need to shave and finish getting ready, now that my roommate is up and in the shower, she'll be taking her place in front of the mirror before long.

Later days,

Christopher.


PS, I will make a list of goals while sitting in court, without knowing a heading, you'll never find the path to take.
 
 
   
 

Goodbye... Hello?

I thought I would write a closure Email to someone who was very important to me.

Fortunately that person wrote me back the same night (I wasn't expecting them to write back).

Now we have been Emailing back and forth and I can't go half the day with out hearing from him, It's as though I get frustrated if I don't.

Maybe I'm losing my damn mind.


... I wrote to say goodbye...

Maybe what I needed was to reconnect...

 
 
 

   
Monday
Sifting through the ragged thoughts and jagged breaths of this past weekend leave me truly disappointed that I must rely so much on my medication to keep me balanced. Anyway, in other news...

I currently work at ZENI kinetic, a 3D print shop, where we build our own printers, make our filament and do 3D scanning. My boss is Nicco, I see him as an older version of myself, if I were more volatile than I am. There's also Zach and Anna, they work up front, Devin, our Webmaster, so to speak. Micha is business relations, if I were to put a name on it.. Aaron, Jeremy and one other guy, I forgot his name.. they are the engineering and build side of things.. That's really our team lol. Anyway, I get along with all of them pretty well, it's nothing hard to go through with them. I handle Shipping and Spooling, it's my area in the business, though when I first started, I had no knowledge of how to fulfill these duties.

I ran into Zach the night I ended up sleeping with Katie, the mutual friend between myself and Ria. To be honest, it was rather enjoyable and something I figured would happen at some point, but didn't expect it that night. I helped Anna move a giant mirror she owns and got tea with her afterward. I feel we're great for each other but terrible for her relationship, as is the case anytime I'm introduced into a situation involving couples and one on one time with the woman... I just seem to bring their interests to the surface and cause them to reflect on how much they want to leave who they're with..

On that note, Anna has already been expressing a desire to leave her bf and have me stay with her when she gets moved into her new apartment, rent free, just the cost of sleeping in bed with her lol. You see, we both have the issue where sleep comes easier with someone in bed to cuddle with. I wouldn't mind getting to know her better, and aside from Michelle, she's probably the one female I can see things going somewhere more than bed with. The night we moved her mirror and grabbed tea, I met her boyfriend Kelly, a man-child to the level most women think I am, but a respectable guy nonetheless. Anna is definitely something else, I look forward to work because it means learning new things, as well as getting time with Anna.

Aside from that, I mentioned in my last post that Savanah had bought me a rather expensive James Jean piece, Seasons, which I wanted to buy for myself but was unable to... Since then she's been more and more focused with her bf, still can't remember his name, Logan I believe... Anyway, she says she doesn't want to be with him and she doesn't want to marry him, which is the direction he wants to go. She gets the nerve to leave him, then decides to pretty much cut me out of her life... I really don't get her, let alone women.. I have not even really tried to get a hold of her since she started acting that way, she can make her own choices and has her own path to take.

I have court January 9th, my pretrial and when I meet with my Public Defender... I am so exhausted from life being a constant cluster fuck to another.. Speaking of which, my body has been in a lot of pain lately, both sides just constant bruised feeling, as well as my shoulders. The normal shooting pain is still alive and well as well, of which doctors have still yet to identify. There's also an aching and longing in my heart, I just can't seem to get past Jordan.. seems like I see her more and more often theses days.. the reminders are everywhere and I can't seem to help that.

"We ALL carry our crosses... Or we are crushed beneath them... It's the only reason I don't blame the life I have on the genetic disorders I have; In reality, it's not an excuse to be a screw up, so carry your cross or be crushed, because I don't let mine crush me. What's your excuse?"

 I posted that a couple days ago on Facebook, it was probably right in the middle of my breakdown. Time to reset the counter, [01] Day(s) Since Last Breakdown... Lol. On a high note, I picked up a broken Sony VAIO at the pawnshop down the road for pretty cheap, and fixed it, it's my new main.

Later days,

Christopher.


PS, the night I got tea with Anna at Salt Lake Roasting Co, I think we were closer than we should have been... there was lots of being more forthright than typical, as well as just being physically close in general, for no real reason... And there was that whole thing where she said I am her first choice if things don't work out with her and Kelly. Weird, right? I'm also terrible at discerning between being nice and flirting... Lol.
 
 
   
 

Love and Motivation.
I think I fall in love to quickly, too easily.. and because of that, it leaves a great sadness in my heart when it's over.

Mind you, I'm not talking about the love I had with any exes or family, nothing of that sort. I mean the kind of love you feel instantly when you see something utterly awe inspiring for no reason other than the way it makes you feel. When a great swelling and opening happens in your chest and you cherish the smallest of details, that kind of love. I find it when I read a great book, hear a piece of music that moves me, when I see a woman I find beautiful, regardless of measurable beauty to anyone else.. I find it when I come across some memento of the past that was made with such great care and surgeon like precision from the hands of someone that cared. 

I find this love in so many things, so random of things.. and none of it can truly exist, none of it is lasting, yet the hollowness of it's inevitable departure, I will feel for some time after it is gone.

I also fall in love with women I meet in passing sometimes in person, other times online, I admire the intricacy in those fine details they put together, just hoping to catch the eye of the person they're with, yet I know I will never again be the one to breakup a couple because of love. I did that throughout my youth, never intentionally, but it happened nonetheless.. I just fall in love with these women and show it, and they leave who they were previously with.. Nevertheless, I do feel this love for strangers which too brings such pain when the moment has passed. 

It is through love and loss that I might find the most maddeningly deep motivation for improvement, a sort of strive for a "Monte Cristo-esque" level of control and unparalleled manipulation of the world around me, for which I have found as profoundly destructive as constructive for myself... I've learned that limits are a good thing for me, because without them I will surely break my body in attempts to surpass intangible enemies I find in the past. My largest source of motivation comes from the many trophies and scaring material which has set up residency in my life, these reminders of the past, of loves and losses I cannot hope to recover.

Even tonight, I found a few that have made me want to get up and run out the door, like I'm chasing after the image of what I was left for, being only strides away.  These reminders and guilt trips, however intangible, give me a benchmark for which I strive to surpass, be them people or ideas. I want, no, I must be better, I refuse to feel inadequate, for whatever reason, though I don't know why. I'm not concerned with being the best, just being better than the past... Motivation is probably my only combatant against the depression, I really feel the medication is only a band-aide, that the true healing will never happen and the only hope I have to get through tough parts is by being motivated for further improvement.

I have broken my wings, yet, someday, I again will fly.

Christopher.


 
 
 

   
I like Fucking
Unofficially over with boyfriend. He "had better things to do than drag my ass accross town" and help me move when I had no one else.

Tried stripping. Made 80 dollars. Not an overly successful night. Might try again although it disgusts me looking back.

I feel numb. Life doesn't feel real. So does anything I do really matter?

Fucking my roommate. Fucked another guy I'm dating. Dating a guy from work. Amazing what happens when you open up to possibilities and stop giving a shit. I like fucking, so why not fuck?

If the boyfriend asked me to marry him I would say yes, but that's all theoretical. Hypothetical. Imagination. It would be silly for him to ask that now, but that would be the "Iwannabewithyou" notion I NEED from him. But... not getting it So. Yeah.

Keep on fuckin'! Not sure how long to wait til I decide to talk to him and tell him it's over. He has always come to me eventually, but we'll see.
 
 
   
 

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