My credit card bill is almost 2000. I just keep spending to... cope, I guess. With my boyfriend acting weird, with losing my job, with being in a new city with not a single friend and the one person who's supposed to support you being ultimately critical....
I'm here til Oct 31. Halloween. Then.... I don't know.
I'm considering working as an entertainer, so I can pay my bills... student loans coming up, to avoid moving back home. I can't even get a job at fucking tim hortons. Overqualified, am I, or what??!
I do not want to go home. Home means failure. And I don't want to live with my mom again.
I also miss my favourite cousin who died several years ago, but I still cry whenever I think about how I'll never see him again...
Oh and my boyfriend and I are on a "break". Is he still called my boyfriend if we're on a break? I don't know. Whatever. "Time to think". Well he should do some thinking, for sure. I wish he'd listen to me. I feel like I can see him from the outside and he can't see himself from the inside... You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. This article made a lot of sense to me : http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200904/living-angry-partner
I don't even know why I'm writing this or what I'm hoping to hear...whatever 2.0
There's always something....
I was about to do it. I had contemplated it many times over, and even got into the tub with knives by my side (like, 5, just in case one wasn't sharp enough. Gotta succeed you know!), having taken several sleeping pills. I figured I was bound to die one of three ways: blood loss, drowning, or sleeping pill... well I didn't really know what would happen with those but I guess I hoped they might knock me out and I'd slink into the tub or something.
And every time I was about to do it... I had my computer with me. I guess that meant I still had hope. That he would stop me. Well, HE didn't stop me. But a friend of mine, did. A friend I met in Mexico, where I had gone to try to deal with being told I wasn't wanted anymore by HIM.
So anyway. One day I had finally decided I had no more hope. I wasn't bringing the computer into the bathroom with me. I was done waiting. Except I had to wait til I got home from work, of course. Which I got home around 8 in the morning because I was working a night job. My mom would be gone at work all day so it was perfect. It was a few days after my birthday (which was completely uneventful), and I guess I decided I would check my email and facebook one last time, having avoided it ON my birthday.
And there it was. A message. From HIM. No, not god. He who left me. He who I loved more than anything. He who...so many things had happened with. A year had gone by with no word from him. And he messaged me, on my birthday.
I just cried. I collapsed on my bed and cried. I didn't even know what to do with myself. I can't even remember if I read it all, or read it at all, but I just burst.
Now, a lot of things have happened since that day.
First of all, I replied, which led to a long string of long replies... and then meeting in person once we went back to university in September. But he was different. It was all sexual. It was like he didn't even care about what had happened. He was a different person. So I pushed him away. I tried to tell myself that he wasn't the same, and the person I loved no longer existed.
But I couldn't get over him. I had made a friend. A friend who really cared about me and would have given me everything, but I just didn't feel anything for him. In fact, after a while I started to feel nothing at all.
But I still cried almost daily. I couldn't go a day without thinking about him. Missing him. Loving him.
One night I was invited to a party by a friend of mine that I knew he would be at, and I made sure to go. But I ignored him. I couldn't stand to look at him. I knew I would cry.
I went to another party I knew he'd be at, and then he contacted me and said he misses us and the way we used to be.
So I guess we started talking again. And things were great for a few days, but then he told me after a night of drinking that "we just don't work together". The next day he pretended it never happened. He said what he says "now" matters, not the night before.
Then things get kinda fuzzy about what happened before what and when... but it came up that I had been with other guys. And he got upset and said that he was "obviously" holding me back from something. "Goodbye forever" he said. The stupid thing is, that the only reason I fucked ANY guy, was because HE didn't want me. I felt undesirable and unloved and alone. I couldn't stand not being with him. At least I could feel wanted, temporarily. I could forget the pain I was in for a bit.
So I tried telling him that and he ignored me. I kept trying to contact him, but he would never respond. I thought he didn't give a shit about me. He never told me he just "thought" we were exclusive and that HE wasn't fucking other people. He wouldn't talk to me for days or a week at a time. I thought he left me again. And seriously? I was celibate for almost a year after he broke up with me. And the first time I so much as kissed another guy, I immediately thought of him.
Well. Another New Year's Eve comes around. And I go out with some friends of mine. One goes home and the other and I are dancing. The countdown is going to start any minute now. And a song comes on...
My Inner Ninja
Not even a significant song. I honestly couldn't tell you what it's about. I don't think it's overly sentimental or deep. But who knows, I don't really listen to hiphop or whatever this song is considered. It's not my taste of music. But ANYWAY. It was playing when we were sitting on the couch together at his place. I don't even know why it's so memorable. I don't think it was the last time we hung out. Maybe it was the first time we hung out after being apart for a long time. But regardless, it reminded me of him. And it took all I could do, to not cry. I immedately stopped dancing and stood still. I think my friend was still trying to dance with me with one of my arms, but I couldn't say. I wasn't there anymore.
So I went home. And I'm sure you all know what I did. I cried. I cried my heart out. And it occurred to me that this was the 5th New Years in a row that I had spent crying over him (This is the part in the romantic comedy where I magically get over him and move on with my life, find a nice rich guy who's TOTALLY better for me and HE ends up a drug addict or in jail or something justifying).
But no. I messaged him. I figured there was nothing to lose.
After the Holidays back at university I see him. He doesn't see me. I'm with a guy who has been taking me out for dinner and coffee. He's a nice guy. A cute accent. We have a lot in common. He's actually quite unattractive physically, but he has charm and confidence and he makes me laugh. His looks start to grow on me. But I kiss him and think of HIM.
One day I am walking back from getting a hot chocolate, on my way to class on the day of my interview to be an English Teaching Assistant in France. And I see him walking in front of me. Towards me. I smile. I can't help but smile. But as he gets closer I can;t stand it. I don't wanna be a crazy person crying in the middle of the street. And besides, I'd mess up my makeup. So I look down. I stare at the ground as he passes me by. I don't want to know if he's looking at me. I don't want to know if he'll smile. I couldn't stand if I looked at him all hopeful and smiling and he looked angry or didn't even look at me. So I looked away.
But the entire rest of the day I couldn't stop thinking about that. Walking by each other. Strangers. I couldn't stand it! I could not stand that thought. I thought of that Great Big Sea song "How did we go from saying I love you... (to I'll see you round some day)". And I know that the reason we stopped talking was because HE thought I didn't care. Which is absurd, according to me, when I've done everything to show him I care and keep coming back to him because I love him too damn much.
So I messaged him. And....
We started talking. And by talking I mean facebooking because we're in the modern age and no one knows how to move their lips anymore. And I asked if we could meet to talk in person. Miraculously, he agreed. But I was too afraid to check facebook for his reply that I missed when he wanted to meet. So we set up a new time.
I went to the coffee shop, got my hot chocolate, and waited. And waited. And waited. I was there 3 hours. I stayed until close.
I got back home, and didn't know how to feel. How could he stand me up? After all the talk we had, about where to meet, when. He said he wanted to meet in public. Which was completely bizarre to me. After everything that has happened, and how emotionally charged our conversation will be, he wants to meet in public? Maybe he thought it would tone things down, or keep me from making a scene, or what, I don't know. I was terrified of this, because I thought it meant he was calm and had no feelings and was going to tell me he didn't want to hear from me again.
Well, when I got home I talked to a few friends who I had told about the meeting and what had happened. And they were just as infuriated as I was. Maybe even moreso, because they're my friends and hate to see me upset and hate the people who cause said upsetness.
And 9 O'clock rolls around, HE comes online and talks to me. I ask him what happened, he doesn't really have an excuse, but says he's free now. So I ask if that means he wants me to come over, and he says sure.
And so I go. Terrified. The most important talk since the talk we had when he decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore.
My fears were wrong, however. We decided we would try to work things out. He didn't seem overly enthusiastic at the time, but I guess we were both rather tentative and well, he's also never been one to show his feelings or express them very well. He admits that. And we both admitted our major problem was communication and we'd work on that.
So now we were "not fucking other people".
And it was raining that night and I didn't have an umbrella so he said I could stay. We talked and had a ticklefight and cuddled that night. He didn't try anything sexual.
In the morning he wanted something though... I was still feeling a bit nervous about "us" and what he really wanted from me and the relationship, so I asked if he thought it was a good idea, that a lot of guys just want sex. He said he didn't just want sex, but maybe something else. So I agreed. Because let's face it, I wanted him, too. We started touching each other and well...he wasn't always so good with his hand. He didn't know how to be gentle, and didn't listen when I guided him on where it felt best. So...I said we could do it. I mean, come on, I wanted it, too. And there was no way his hand was going to please me. Maybe a little selfish but luckily it didn't kick me in the face this time. Unless it's a really delayed kick in the face. I'll keep you posted.
And it was really good. It was probably the best sex I had had, ever. I had always had problems orgasming with sex but he made it look easy. Although it could have been my recent experience....
I guess I didn't mention that part. I did fuck a lot of dudes. "A lot" depends on your personal opinion, but when you can't count on your hands anymore how many dudes you've fucked, you've fucked a lot of dudes in my opinion. Not to judge. I don't think I'm a slut, or anyone who has fucked more, is. But we're getting sidetracked. I fucked a lot of dudes. Not all good. Most of them weren't good actually. Just a tip for life: Good looks does not mean they are good in bed. I can talk more on that later, if I decide to do another blog.
Also, I forgot to mention this was now valentines day. We didn't even plan it that way. He said in the morning when we first woke up if I would be his valentine, haha. I said "what does that entail?" Because I thought he was looking for sex. But it was sweet.
So we had breakfast and... I don't know if we did anything else besides sex. I think it took awhile. And then he had plans with his friends that evening so we were going to the liquor store. And after that, he suggested we get something to eat. Of course I wanted to extend the time with him as much as possible so I said yes, even though I wasn't that hungry having still been full from breakfast. So we had a Valentines day dinner together. It was just like old times, being together.
And we've been together since then. It hasn't been easy, and we've had several arguments but never a fight.
Later on he called us a couple, in casual conversation. He said his friends must think we're the weirdest couple. We had a nice intimate talk that night, about our past and current relationship and how we "get" each other.
I guess I didn't really think of and ending to this story because it's still happening. We've been together for almost 5 months and I couldn't be happier. I don't remember a time in my life where I was ever this happy, actually.
I really didn't think I would write a blog. I was just reminded of Mindsay today and then decided to make an update and tell you all I'm still alive and well, this happened. It's probably way too long for anyone to read but I enjoyed writing it. I think.
It still makes me a bit upset, thinking how he was fine not talking to me for an entire year.. but...things are really good now, so I guess he's made up for it. I can't hold that against him forever. I don't wanna ruin what we have now with focusing on things that happened in the past that we can't change. He said he was sorry and I know he never did it on purpose. And I know he was in pain, too. He had a lot of things to work out. Looking back, it was super painful. Extremely painful. But I'm trying to think at least, that it's been for the best. That it's made us who we are now and made it possible for us to have a good relationship. We're still working on communciation, but every couple has things they need to work on. We have the same values and similar goals and interests and care about each other. Things are pretty good. Nothing's perfect. That doesn't really sound like an ending but I can't think of one and I've written enough!
1st was when we’re too young,
And we didn’t know a lot:
We were kids trying to fit
In the grown up world.
2nd was when we thought
We already know everything
Only to find out we were still inexperienced,
Just showing bravado
In our phase of insecurities.
Will there be a 3rd round?
We are wiser now,
We had been scarred in our journey,
And we definitely know more
Than when we first started.
This is an open book,
The story is still being written.
I still don’t know the ending
Or the next chapter.
To Purple skies
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