Love @ MindSay


Love and Motivation.
I think I fall in love to quickly, too easily.. and because of that, it leaves a great sadness in my heart when it's over.

Mind you, I'm not talking about the love I had with any exes or family, nothing of that sort. I mean the kind of love you feel instantly when you see something utterly awe inspiring for no reason other than the way it makes you feel. When a great swelling and opening happens in your chest and you cherish the smallest of details, that kind of love. I find it when I read a great book, hear a piece of music that moves me, when I see a woman I find beautiful, regardless of measurable beauty to anyone else.. I find it when I come across some memento of the past that was made with such great care and surgeon like precision from the hands of someone that cared. 

I find this love in so many things, so random of things.. and none of it can truly exist, none of it is lasting, yet the hollowness of it's inevitable departure, I will feel for some time after it is gone.

I also fall in love with women I meet in passing sometimes in person, other times online, I admire the intricacy in those fine details they put together, just hoping to catch the eye of the person they're with, yet I know I will never again be the one to breakup a couple because of love. I did that throughout my youth, never intentionally, but it happened nonetheless.. I just fall in love with these women and show it, and they leave who they were previously with.. Nevertheless, I do feel this love for strangers which too brings such pain when the moment has passed. 

It is through love and loss that I might find the most maddeningly deep motivation for improvement, a sort of strive for a "Monte Cristo-esque" level of control and unparalleled manipulation of the world around me, for which I have found as profoundly destructive as constructive for myself... I've learned that limits are a good thing for me, because without them I will surely break my body in attempts to surpass intangible enemies I find in the past. My largest source of motivation comes from the many trophies and scaring material which has set up residency in my life, these reminders of the past, of loves and losses I cannot hope to recover.

Even tonight, I found a few that have made me want to get up and run out the door, like I'm chasing after the image of what I was left for, being only strides away.  These reminders and guilt trips, however intangible, give me a benchmark for which I strive to surpass, be them people or ideas. I want, no, I must be better, I refuse to feel inadequate, for whatever reason, though I don't know why. I'm not concerned with being the best, just being better than the past... Motivation is probably my only combatant against the depression, I really feel the medication is only a band-aide, that the true healing will never happen and the only hope I have to get through tough parts is by being motivated for further improvement.

I have broken my wings, yet, someday, I again will fly.



I like Fucking
Unofficially over with boyfriend. He "had better things to do than drag my ass accross town" and help me move when I had no one else.

Tried stripping. Made 80 dollars. Not an overly successful night. Might try again although it disgusts me looking back.

I feel numb. Life doesn't feel real. So does anything I do really matter?

Fucking my roommate. Fucked another guy I'm dating. Dating a guy from work. Amazing what happens when you open up to possibilities and stop giving a shit. I like fucking, so why not fuck?

If the boyfriend asked me to marry him I would say yes, but that's all theoretical. Hypothetical. Imagination. It would be silly for him to ask that now, but that would be the "Iwannabewithyou" notion I NEED from him. But... not getting it So. Yeah.

Keep on fuckin'! Not sure how long to wait til I decide to talk to him and tell him it's over. He has always come to me eventually, but we'll see.

Lost my job and potentially my boyfriend, considering stripping.
I lost my job. No reason except the end of 3 months. They mentioned in a conversation about the time I tried to have two jobs at once. Seems like a stupid reason to terminate such a good employee, but whatever. It was stressful working there and the job required way too much work for one person, but it was still less stressful than not having a job.

My credit card bill is almost 2000. I just keep spending to... cope, I guess. With my boyfriend acting weird, with losing my job, with being in a new city with not a single friend and the one person who's supposed to support you being ultimately critical....

I'm here til Oct 31. Halloween. Then.... I don't know.

I'm considering working as an entertainer, so I can pay my bills... student loans coming up, to avoid moving back home. I can't even get a job at fucking tim hortons. Overqualified, am I, or what??!

I do not want to go home. Home means failure. And I don't want to live with my mom again.

I also miss my favourite cousin who died several years ago, but I still cry whenever I think about how I'll never see him again...

Oh and my boyfriend and I are on a "break". Is he still called my boyfriend if we're on a break? I don't know. Whatever. "Time to think". Well he should do some thinking, for sure. I wish he'd listen to me. I feel like I can see him from the outside and he can't see himself from the inside... You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. This article made a lot of sense to me : 

I don't even know why I'm writing this or what I'm hoping to hear...whatever 2.0

There's always something....


I just don't know what to say to him. Unbelievable.
He just pretends he did nothing wrong. Like he didn't hurt me. He tries to gloss it over, pretend it didn't happen. He always does this.

We were planning on moving in together after my sublet ended.

I just graduated from the university we both went to, and move to his city, get a tiny bachelor "apartment", and he said he wanted to live with me.

HIS words. He said he wanted to move in with me. Sure, he didn't mention until later that he wanted to live with roommates. He was going to ask a friend of his who's moving in with her boyfriend, but I guess she doesn't want to.

So I asked if he wanted to move in with roommates, and he asked if I had found a place yet. So then I found one and asked about going to a viewing and he tells me he doesn't want to live together. This was several days ago, so I had like, 4 days to find a place alone. Luckily I found one for short term, so I havr two months to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. So he's going to live with his parents and save up money for school next year and I am going to fork out a ton of rent. Not exactly fair. Like what the fuck. I'm so fucking pissed. So I send him a text calling him too afraid to commit to anything, and that he'll be living with his parents past 30. I turned off my phone because I didn't want to see his reply. Also partially terrified of his reply.

I turn my phone back on and all he said was "What a livid text. Good luck with the move"

Then he calls me on Friday and asks if I found a place, I said I had a viewing, and he tells me he can't help me move because he's going away for the weekend. How fucking convenient!

No word all weekend.

I just moved in today, with no help except the guy who's house I'm moving in to, who luckily was able to help me with his car. Otherwise I would have had to cab/bus across town.

He calls me a few minutes ago and asks how the move went. Ignoring what happened. I ventured a question: what would happen if it didn't go well? He just replied "I dunno".

Am I overreacting? I have talked to my friends and they all say he's being an asshole and that was totally a dick move. I really think I have taken a lot of shit from him, that most people wouldn't put up with.

What if I couldn't find a short term lease? What if I couldn't find a place at all? Not like he gives a flying shit!

So I mulled over the whole weekend about what to do about the situation. How can he disrespect me so much? I knew I wouldn't be getting an apology. Would this be it? Would I break up with him?

When we were talked a few weeks ago he said that I bring out the worst in him. Now. How the FUCK can he say that? How can he blame me for HIS behavior? Basically blaming everything on me. No. The way he acts is his decision. He is his own person and he is responsible for the things he says and does, NOT me. He is not about to blame ME for the way HE treats me. That is simply not fair.

I just don't know whether we can get past this or not. What the fuck does he even want? It seems he thinks he can do whatever the hell he wants. I don't know why I care about him so much. Love makes you stupid. A relationship will never work if one person isn't invested in it...


I made it through the wilderness...
So. It's been awhile. Lots of things have happened. I stopped writing here, and in my journal I've kept since grade 4. I've just graduated from university.

I was about to do it. I had contemplated it many times over, and even got into the tub with knives by my side (like, 5, just in case one wasn't sharp enough. Gotta succeed you know!), having taken several sleeping pills. I figured I was bound to die one of three ways: blood loss, drowning, or sleeping pill... well I didn't really know what would happen with those but I guess I hoped they might knock me out and I'd slink into the tub or something.

And every time I was about to do it... I had my computer with me. I guess that meant I still had hope. That he would stop me. Well, HE didn't stop me. But a friend of mine, did. A friend I met in Mexico, where I had gone to try to deal with being told I wasn't wanted anymore by HIM.

So anyway. One day I had finally decided I had no more hope. I wasn't bringing the computer into the bathroom with me. I was done waiting. Except I had to wait til I got home from work, of course. Which I got home around 8 in the morning because I was working a night job. My mom would be gone at work all day so it was perfect. It was a few days after my birthday (which was completely uneventful), and I guess I decided I would check my email and facebook one last time, having avoided it ON my birthday.

And there it was. A message. From HIM. No, not god. He who left me. He who I loved more than anything. He many things had happened with. A year had gone by with no word from him. And he messaged me, on my birthday.

I just cried. I collapsed on my bed and cried. I didn't even know what to do with myself. I can't even remember if I read it all, or read it at all, but I just burst.

Now, a lot of things have happened since that day.

First of all, I replied, which led to a long string of long replies... and then meeting in person once we went back to university in September. But he was different. It was all sexual. It was like he didn't even care about what had happened. He was a different person. So I pushed him away. I tried to tell myself that he wasn't the same, and the person I loved no longer existed.

But I couldn't get over him. I had made a friend. A friend who really cared about me and would have given me everything, but I just didn't feel anything for him. In fact, after a while I started to feel nothing at all.

But I still cried almost daily. I couldn't go a day without thinking about him. Missing him. Loving him.

One night I was invited to a party by a friend of mine that I knew he would be at, and I made sure to go. But I ignored him. I couldn't stand to look at him. I knew I would cry.

I went to another party I knew he'd be at, and then he contacted me and said he misses us and the way we used to be.

So I guess we started talking again. And things were great for a few days, but then he told me after a night of drinking that "we just don't work together". The next day he pretended it never happened. He said what he says "now" matters, not the night before.

Then things get kinda fuzzy about what happened before what and when... but it came up that I had been with other guys. And he got upset and said that he was "obviously" holding me back from something. "Goodbye forever" he said. The stupid thing is, that the only reason I fucked ANY guy, was because HE didn't want me. I felt undesirable and unloved and alone. I couldn't stand not being with him. At least I could feel wanted, temporarily. I could forget the pain I was in for a bit.

So I tried telling him that and he ignored me. I kept trying to contact him, but he would never respond. I thought he didn't give a shit about me. He never told me he just "thought" we were exclusive and that HE wasn't fucking other people. He wouldn't talk to me for days or a week at a time. I thought he left me again.  And seriously? I was celibate for almost a year after he broke up with me. And the first time I so much as kissed another guy, I immediately thought of him.

Well. Another New Year's Eve comes around. And I go out with some friends of mine. One goes home and the other and I are dancing. The countdown is going to start any minute now. And a song comes on...

My Inner Ninja

Not even a significant song. I honestly couldn't tell you what it's about. I don't think it's overly sentimental or deep. But who knows, I don't really listen to hiphop or whatever this song is considered. It's not my taste of music. But ANYWAY. It was playing when we were sitting on the couch together at his place. I don't even know why it's so memorable. I don't think it was the last time we hung out. Maybe it was the first time we hung out after being apart for a long time. But regardless, it reminded me of him. And it took all I could do, to not cry. I immedately stopped dancing and stood still. I think my friend was still trying to dance with me with one of my arms, but I couldn't say. I wasn't there anymore.

So I went home. And I'm sure you all know what I did. I cried. I cried my heart out. And it occurred to me that this was  the 5th New Years in a row that I had spent crying over him (This is the part in the romantic comedy where I magically get over him and move on with my life, find a nice rich guy who's TOTALLY better for me and HE ends up a drug addict or in jail or something justifying).

But no. I messaged him. I figured there was nothing to lose.

No reply.

After the Holidays back at university I see him. He doesn't see me. I'm with a guy who has been taking me out for dinner and coffee. He's a nice guy. A cute accent. We have a lot in common. He's actually quite unattractive physically, but he has charm and confidence and he makes me laugh. His looks start to grow on me. But I kiss him and think of HIM.

One day I am walking back from getting a hot chocolate, on my way to class on the day of my interview to be an English Teaching Assistant in France. And I see him walking in front of me. Towards me. I smile. I can't help but smile. But as he gets closer I can;t stand it. I don't wanna be a crazy person crying in the middle of the street. And besides, I'd mess up my makeup. So I look down. I stare at the ground as he passes me by. I don't want to know if he's looking at me. I don't want to know if he'll smile. I couldn't stand if I looked at him all hopeful and smiling and he looked angry or didn't even look at me. So I looked away.

But the entire rest of the day I couldn't stop thinking about that. Walking by each other. Strangers. I couldn't stand it! I could not stand that thought. I thought of that Great Big Sea song "How did we go from saying I love you... (to I'll see you round some day)". And I know that the reason we stopped talking was because HE thought I didn't care. Which is absurd, according to me, when I've done everything to show him I care and keep coming back to him because I love him too damn much.

So I messaged him. And....

He replied.


We started talking. And by talking I mean facebooking because we're in the modern age and no one knows how to move their lips anymore. And I asked if we could meet to talk in person. Miraculously, he agreed. But I was too afraid to check facebook for his reply that I missed when he wanted to meet. So we set up a new time.

I went to the coffee shop, got my hot chocolate, and waited. And waited. And waited. I was there 3 hours. I stayed until close.

I got back home, and didn't know how to feel. How could he stand me up? After all the talk we had, about where to meet, when. He said he wanted to meet in public. Which was completely bizarre to me. After everything that has happened, and how emotionally charged our conversation will be, he wants to meet in public? Maybe he thought it would tone things down, or keep me from making a scene, or what, I don't know. I was terrified of this, because I thought it meant he was calm and had no feelings and was going to tell me he didn't want to hear from me again.

Well, when I got home I talked to a few friends who I had told about the meeting and what had happened. And they were just as infuriated as I was. Maybe even moreso, because they're my friends and hate to see me upset and hate the people who cause said upsetness.

And 9 O'clock rolls around, HE comes online and talks to me. I ask him what happened, he doesn't really have an excuse, but says he's free now. So I ask if that means he wants me to come over, and he says sure.

And so I go. Terrified. The most important talk since the talk we had when he decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore.

My fears were wrong, however. We decided we would try to work things out. He didn't seem overly enthusiastic at the time, but I guess we were both rather tentative and well, he's also never been one to show his feelings or express them very well. He admits that. And we both admitted our major problem was communication and we'd work on that.

So now we were "not fucking other people".

And it was raining that night and I didn't have an umbrella so he said I could stay. We talked and had a ticklefight and cuddled that night. He didn't try anything sexual.

In the morning he wanted something though... I was still feeling a bit nervous about "us" and what he really wanted from me and the relationship, so I asked if he thought it was a good idea, that a lot of guys just want sex. He said he didn't just want sex, but maybe something else. So I agreed. Because let's face it, I wanted him, too. We started touching each other and well...he wasn't always so good with his hand. He didn't know how to be gentle, and didn't listen when I guided him on where it felt best. So...I said we could do it. I mean, come on, I wanted it, too. And there was no way his hand was going to please me. Maybe a little selfish but luckily it didn't kick me in the face this time. Unless it's a really delayed kick in the face. I'll keep you posted.

And it was really good. It was probably the best sex I had had, ever. I had always had problems orgasming with sex but he made it look easy. Although it could have been my recent experience....

I guess I didn't mention that part. I did fuck a lot of dudes. "A lot" depends on your personal opinion, but when you can't count on your hands anymore how many dudes you've fucked, you've fucked a lot of dudes in my opinion. Not to judge. I don't think I'm a slut, or anyone who has fucked more, is. But we're getting sidetracked. I fucked a lot of dudes. Not all good. Most of them weren't good actually. Just a tip for life: Good looks does not mean they are good in bed. I can talk more on that later, if I decide to do another blog.

Also, I forgot to mention this was now valentines day. We didn't even plan it that way. He said in the morning when we first woke up if I would be his valentine, haha. I said "what does that entail?" Because I thought he was looking for sex. But it was sweet.

So we had breakfast and... I don't know if we did anything else besides sex. I think it took awhile. And then he had plans with his friends that evening so we were going to the liquor store. And after that, he suggested we get something to eat. Of course I wanted to extend the time with him as much as possible so I said yes, even though I wasn't that hungry having still been full from breakfast. So we had a Valentines day dinner together. It was just like old times, being together.

And we've been together since then. It hasn't been easy, and we've had several arguments but never a fight.

Later on he called us a couple, in casual conversation. He said his friends must think we're the weirdest couple. We had a nice intimate talk that night, about our past and current relationship and how we "get" each other.

I guess I didn't really think of and ending to this story because it's still happening. We've been together for almost 5 months and I couldn't be happier. I don't remember a time in my life where I was ever this happy, actually.

I really didn't think I would write a blog. I was just reminded of Mindsay today and then decided to make an update and tell you all I'm still alive and well, this happened. It's probably way too long for anyone to read but I enjoyed writing it. I think.

It still makes me a bit upset, thinking how he was fine not talking to me for an entire year.. but...things are really good now, so I guess he's made up for it. I can't hold that against him forever. I don't wanna ruin what we have now with focusing on things that happened in the past that we can't change. He said he was sorry and I know he never did it on purpose. And I know he was in pain, too. He had a lot of things to work out. Looking back, it was super painful. Extremely painful. But I'm trying to think at least, that it's been for the best. That it's made us who we are now and made it possible for us to have a good relationship. We're still working on communciation, but every couple has things they need to work on. We have the same values and similar goals and interests and care about each other. Things are pretty good. Nothing's perfect. That doesn't really sound like an ending but I can't think of one and I've written enough!

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