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I had a great easter and I love that Becca is part of my family. 

The first steps toward Adventure.. pt 4.
Alright, I feel it's finally time to delve into this adventure...

I plan on backpacking and hitchhiking around the US, because why the hell not? As I said in my earlier post, I'm turning twenty-five in less than a month, and I don't want to grow old and have regrets.. Lately I've been taking stock of my life, my decisions, my problems and issues and strengths. I've also been cataloging skills and supplies I'll need, as I don't plan on returning for at least a year.

I'm planning on taking a DLSR, at the very least the one my grandfather left me, but I'd hope to have a different one by this point, I'm going to take a journal, my cellphone, a handheld camcorder and a backpack filled with the supplies I need to survive. My roommate Dustin may also be going on this trip, but to ensure I can survive on my own, I'm planning according to the expectation that it's just me. I'm hoping to take survival lessons and such before I leave to better equate myself to life on the road and in the wild, hoping to spend 30% in cities and civilization and 70% in the wilderness of the US, so we'll see how it goes.

With luck, I'll be leaving in August, when the lease is up on this house I'm currently at, and I'll be on my way to having one hell of an adventure. I hope to continue writing on here during this journey, and I'm thinking of starting a Youtube channel and a vlog, but we'll see how that goes. I've spoken with a few close friends about the trip, as well as my parents, which surprises me since I didn't really want to tell anyone. My parents would feel better if I took a car, my friend Ria would feel better if I had a clean bill of health, both physically and psychologically, before I went. I had told Savanah, back when she picked me up from Vegas and she begged me not to do it, but since we're not talking, I decided to move forward. Chelsea knows about it somewhat, we haven't really spoken in about two weeks, but she thinks its a pretty exciting idea. Fredy hasn't said anything since I told him yesterday, but that's expected when you have two kids, a wife and a full time job. Needless to say, I'm planning on doing this trip.. if I have to take a car, I'm taking my beat up looking 1983 Datsun 280zx.

In other news, Lindsay, my ex from some time ago I mentioned probably a post or two ago, accepted a friend request I sent her, which surprised me, but pleasantly. We've been talking and catching up, she had another kid, a daughter, it's crazy to think I was her first and we were together so long ago, about 6 years ago when we first met, and I loved her dearly. Talking with her rekindles those old flames, though she is married and I'd not soon forgive myself if I broke up a marriage. She seems very happy though, so it makes me happy, and she had a daughter, seems to have her personality too. She lives in Colorado now, so her place will probably be a stop during the trip.

And as of Monday, one of the pieces of this puzzle called my Adventure will fall into place, the job I'd been waiting to hear back from has given me a starting date. Now I'll have money so I can buy supplies for the trip, as well as pay off whatever I can and buy supplies for tattooing, that way I can develop that skill further as a back up if I need money and I'm wandering. I will be working as an Electromechanical Technician, building and testing various sensors and connections on drilling equipment. It pays a little more than L-3 paid me, and I can't really complain about that, the company seems pretty chill too. 

As the old adage goes, everything happens for a reason.

Later days,


Before Shower Thoughts.
One of the best lessons you can learn in life, one of the best skills to have is this; learn to make the most of every situation you find yourself in, there's always a sliver lining, and there's always an experience to take away, a lesson to learn, no matter how broken and tough a situation is.

Savanah is refusing to talk to me, and had her best friend Kelsey relay the one message I've gotten since Vegas. I first said, She's never going to talk to me again, is she? Kelsey responds with, She wanted me to remind you you owe her $100. It's from driving to Vegas to pick me up after admitting her love for me, which I totally botched and threw in her face in return...

From this I can do two things, become more depressed or learn, and sure, lessons can be painful, but it's better than being depressed. I will craft for Sava these little lights she wanted, leave them at her door for her birthday, and from there I'll go on my adventure, which I still need to elaborate on. She asked me not to go on it, but we haven't talked since then, and if she's going to live her life without me, I cannot again wait for her to come back in mine.

On a side note, I told Kelsey she needs to hangout with me and make more of an effort to be friends, if there's going to be anything, any chance for anything, between us. She agreed and said she'd try, though I feel I've probably moved past the point of wanting to be with anyone exclusive for a long while, this trip isn't exactly one conducive for a relationship. Anyway, my thoughts before I jumped in the shower as I finished my rum and coke, I believe I'll tattoo myself now.

Later days,


The first steps toward Adventure.. pt 3.
April 20th, 2014, Easter Sunday for some.. Let's rewind to the end of March.

I was starting to get to know Chelsea, I was trying to date Savanah. They knew of each other and that we were not exclusively dating, though Chelsea handled it better than Savanah, whom I was surprised to see took it rather hard.. The weeks before I met Chelsea, Sava started acting more like a girlfriend, more like someone that wanted to be with me and just me. I was often staying at her house, we were often making more plans to be together and she was generally just going out of her way for me. She started using pet names and really taking interest in what I had to say, and I was really hopeful it would go somewhere.. then I met Chels, and things changed, she wanted to know about me, she wanted to make time for me, all from the get go, something Sava never did, something she was barely starting to do, after the months we'd spent trying to date.. So when I told Sava I was seeing someone else, she took it pretty hard, and became this High School girl I'd never seen before, so insecure and so down on herself, it was a side of her I never knew. It was here something changed, for both of us, she started to take into account how she'd previously treated me, how she didn't care about how hard I tried or what I did to make it possible for us to get time together or be around each other.. And as she did that, I did the same, I really looked at how much wasted effort I put into things, thing she took for granted.

Right at the end of March, a few days after meeting and really getting to know each other, Chels got high with her friends, which made her start to over think things, which resulted in her saying, hey, I don't think I can do this.. though it lasted about a day. After she got some sleep, she apologized and explained what happened and we both agreed to just start fresh on things, no "I love yous" or deciding while being inebriated that dating isn't going to work. Things were good again, I hung out with her and her friends and it wasn't bad.

One night in particular, the 29th of March, when I was hanging out with Sava, she had a cold and I was taking care of her, Chels texted me and said she wishes we could be together that night because she kinda missed my face. One bad habit of mine whenever I sleep with anyone, is I don't sleep much, so I end up keeping them up all night, and since Sava was sick, I told her I wouldn't stay the night and just let her rest. I kind of regret doing that, but at the same time, I don't, she had gone to some rave and I was a little mad about her coming back sick, who knows what she caught from who.. Anyway, I ended up hanging out with Chels and another week went by. 

Oddly enough, April 1st, Chels again decided she couldn't do this, that I wasn't her type and we stopped dating, and it was pretty serious this time, we don't talk as much now and it really bums me out. We said we would be friends and just focus on really getting to know each other. Though we don't talk as much, we still see each other almost every Sunday, a tradition that developed that first night we met, when Dustin, Danny and myself went out for drinks and then food. It's a tradition we've done every Sunday since, though I don't know if it'll continue today, seeing as how it's Easter.

April continued on and the 11th, Dustin asked if I'd go to Vegas with him, he had a wedding to go to and didn't feel like driving alone, so I said sure, what's the worst that can happen? I seen him Sunday night as he dropped me off at Circus Circus, I had jeans, button up shirt and my trusted backpack and my camera I inherited from my grandfather... And I didn't see him again till Sunday night, before our usual Sunday tradition, but more on that later. So as I wandered through Vegas, I talked with Sava on the phone and text, talked with Ria (Annamaria), and just bummed around, having only $20 to my name, there wasn't much I could do. As I wandered, I used this wonderful ability I seem to have and I made friends with two random strangers, Summer and Jenna, and they invited me to spend the day with them since my roommate ditched me in Vegas and I was stranded. We made shorts out of my jeans and then we went swimming at a pool ontop a casino, it was a pretty amazing experience, I've never done anything like that before. They invite more friends and as the night winds down, they ask me what my plans are, I don't really have any but my bag is in their room, so I head that way with them.. where they proceed to ask me if I've ever been with a man and woman at the same time, which I had. They ask me if I'd be up for doing the pitching, so to speak, with a man and I said I don't really know, it's never been brought up, though I'd have lots to drink that day and if it meant a foursome with Jenna and Summer, who knows, maybe I could do it. Needless to say, that answer didn't really work and they said it was a pleasure to meet me, and the whole sex thing really wasn't intended, but they enjoyed my company, the guy just didn't trust me completely, so I had to go.

This is where the night gets bad... I was past my limit from Chels rejecting me, and now a group of attractive women that took care of me out of nowhere rejected me. I was in a Vegas by myself, with no money and no shoes, seeing as how while we were at the pool, someone walked off with mine... And I was walking around with 31lbs of weight, this I verified upon finally getting on Sunday night. I called Ria, whom tried to calm me down, as I was crying rather loudly while wandering Vegas, and Sava was texting me and upon learning that I was stranded, penniless and shoeless, she called.. She then proceeded to tell me she loves me, something she hadn't said before then, and that she was coming to pick me up.. It was a really big moment, and I regret what I did when she picked me up. While I waited, I made random friends and told people of my upcoming plans for my adventure. When she picked me up around 5am, Sunday morning, I was more sober but very, very tired, so not the clearest of thinking. She had brought her roommate Kelsey, and in turn Kelsey brought John, her on again and off again boyfriend. Sava sat in back with me while I slept and sobered up, and around Fillmore, UT, I noticed a hickey on Sava's neck and before realizing it, I said something something completely rude; I guess just because you don't have time for me, you've obviously got time for someone else... I said this after she went so far out of her way to come pick me up in Vegas because I was stranded, after she said she loves me, I said this... Needless to say we didn't speak the rest of the way to her house. We slept majority of that day after we got there, still not really talking.. Ria ended up picking me up from there.

Ria then proceeded to rip me a new one over food, while I retold her everything from Vegas and the trip back.. Later that night when I finally seen Dustin, after he swung home from work, just before our Sunday tradition. Sadly Chels wasn't at Denny's that night. Chels hasn't really talked to me since then, Sava hasn't since my interview on Monday, just to ask how it went and that was it..

I guess that brings this up to speed with what's going on in life.. Later tonight, I'll delve into the details of my coming adventure, needless to say, I have a lot of opposition towards it, Savanah was a big one, but if we're not talking, she won't miss me being gone.

Later days,


The first steps toward Adventure.. pt 2.
I stopped writing last night around four am, and when I left off, I had just seen Jordan, the ex fiance after many, many years... I felt like it was a good omen, to leave the job and life I had tried hard to build with her and see her the day of walking away from that.

The weekend after leaving L-3 at the start of August in 2013, my friends invited me to go camping with them, Chris and Abby and their son, along with Chris' parents, in Oregon. I say great, I'm up for that, when do we leave? They said five minutes, they were already pulling off the exit to pick me up haha.. It felt good to go on a long road trip, even if camping was just a few days, it was worth it to get away for a minute. Upon my return, I immediately got a tattoo apprenticeship with Immortal Ink of Ogden. Life seemed pretty good, and I was really feeling like I was going somewhere with my art, something I never imagined possible. I made a lot of new friends withing the shop, Sean and Barrett, and outside of the shop, Shae, Derek, Beth, and countless other people.

At some point during this, end of August start of September, I decided to do two things; I downloaded MeetMe and Snapchat onto my phone.. I randomly added a name I seen on MeetMe onto my Snapchat and on September 16, I got a snap from someone I didn't know, it was a video of two girls singing and dancing around like crazy people. Over the course of my apprenticeship, I snap random drawings and happenings going on in the shop, and that's how Savanah and I got to know each other.. just random snaps from then on until one day she got the courage to come to the shop.

October 9th, Savanah sends me a snap of her in this really spectacular vintage inspired dress, black and white with polka dots, and a big black bow on the front, and I decide then that I really want to see her, I want to see her in her dress and get to know more about her. After a few hours of cohering, I convince her to come to the shop, once she gets there, we hangout in the shop, just talk shop and get a feel for things, and she's great. As the shop gets ready to close up, I ask if she'd like to go get a coffee or something with me since it's still a little cold out, mainly just trying to bide my time so I can be around her more.. We go up the road to a place I frequent when I'm in Ogden, Grounds for Coffee, but the funny thing is, we never get out of the car, we just sit in her car for like two or three hours talking, just talking and talking, getting to know each other. It's around this point she admits that she drove around the block three times before she had enough courage to park and call me, letting me know she was there. Savanah is 19, brunette with a beautiful voice and terrific smile, brown eyes you just can't help but stare into. Later on in our time of knowing each other, I admit that right then and there in her car, I wanted to kiss her, and maybe I should have.. She's impulsive, shy, reckless, full of good intentions and just never can make up her mind about what she wants. Things continue to progress with Savanah through October into November, as life continues at the Shop.

November, Barrett has a friend named Layna and she is in a bind, she needs somewhere to live, and it just so happens I have a house I can rent if I want to, my grandparent's old house. I tell her about it and we make plans to move in and split the rent, it is then I sign myself away to lose many important things.. Long story short, Layna convinces me to pawn my motorcycle so we can cover rent, because she is unable to find work, and she has spent the money I gave her for groceries on who knows what, because we don't have food either.. None the less, I try to keep things friendly between us, and then she borrows my laptop without asking, and then leaves in December with it, her stuff and all the money I'd lent her. I lose my motorcycle, I lose countless pictures I had stored on that laptop, irreplaceable pictures and memories and ultimately, I lose my house.. It's around this time, the start of December, Savanah is staying at my house rather consistently for about two weeks, and I'm loving ever minute of it. She offers to give me the money I would need to keep the house, but I decline, it's not her burden.. I end up saying something stupid out of stress and she ends up pretty mad at me for a few days, just before Christmas.. I'm broke, I'm stressed, I'm losing my grip but with the last of my money and courage, I ask Savanah to let me drop off a Christmas present to her. She agrees, and although still very mad and says she isn't going to hug me, she says she just can't stay mad once she sees me, gives me a hug and kiss, and things are a little better, she has forgiven me, and though I'm still losing my house and I'd lost countless other things, I feel alright.

Ultimately I lose the house and the items I specified above. Chris and Abby open their home to me and I move in with them in West Jordan, over an hour away from everyone and everything I know so naturally I have to stop going to the tattoo shop. I am without a car, in a place I only know them, in the middle of nowhere. It's hard but Savanah and I still talk and still maintain closeness, Layna is still ignoring my calls and texts, I'm still hoping to somehow get the laptop back. Chris, Abby and their son end up visiting Abby's parents in the midwest, so they leave me the 22nd of December and return about seven days later. During this time, I am utterly alone and incredibly depressed, and I'm running out of food since the closest stores are a ten mile walk away in the middle of winter, I refuse to eat food that isn't mine, that I didn't personally buy. My spirits are very low at this point, if not for Annamaria, I probably would have walked into a snow storm to die.

New Year's for 2013/14 wasn't a particularly good start to the year, I celebrate with Chris and Abby by going to a bar, Bout Time, then Iggy's for some food, followed by seeing Anchorman 2. We return to the house around 11:30pm and they promptly go to bed, leaving me to sit in my basement room alone..  A few days after New Year's, Savanah tells me she wants to pursue a different person for something more serious and says we should stop talking. During this point, I look back at my New Year's Resolution list and decide it would be best to go to the gym, and after borrowing my dad's racing bike for Triathlons, I bike ten miles to and 10 miles from the gym majority of the week for the coming months, and get in pretty good shape.

February 2014, around the start of the month, Savanah apolgizes and says she understands how it feels to try so hard to just be turned away and asks if we can date again, still continuing this situation so much like a relationship but not. I say we can and I end up getting a job interview up north in Ogden and Savanah let's me stay at her place for the weekend. During this time, I end up picking up an old 1983 Datsun 280zx and fall in love with it, feels good to be back on track to life again, though in all honesty, the car is a huge piece of crap, but I love it all the same. Savanah and I end up spending the morning of Valentine's Day together, and something happens, I still don't understand to this day, but she ends up crying and asking me to leave. I head back to West Jordan and later see that some guy named Logan cheered her up and brought her pizza and they watched movies. This guy will continue to just piss me off, though that is what life is, a constant tug of war with outside competition. During this time a friend from L-3 contacts me and asks if I'd like to move up north into a house he's renting for a really great price, I mull it over and weigh  my options for a few weeks. After getting back to West Jordan, Chris tells me that he and Abby are getting a divorce, something I never conceived happening. For many nights in February, Chris and I stay up late talking and drinking and going for walks to the gas station, it still is hard for me to comprehend for some reason, they were such a great team, a great couple, but they feel they are best friends but can't be together anymore, after seven or so years. Towards the end of March, on the 22nd, I move out of their house and into Dustin's house in Clearfield, where I currently reside. It's during this time I begin to make plans to get back into the tattoo shop.

On March 23rd, I go out with Dustin and Danny, one of our old friends from L-3, to a bar called Brewskie's. After a night of several drinks, we decide food is in order. I suggest a Denny's, rather close, just up the road, but Dustin doesn't know the way and would rather not have to quickly turn in any direction because any attention after last call is bad attention. He suggests somewhere closer to the house, somewhere in Layton, so we say Ihop, since I like Ihop more than Denny's. It's funny, if it were any other night, we would have gone into Ihop, but because of this night, it happened to be closed due to an issue with the grill, so we had to begrudgingly go to Denny's on the east side of the off ramp. It is here I meet someone new, our waitress, whom we have a fun time giving and taking jabs from in fun conversation. At one point she almost spills coffee on my phone and it is then I decide I'm going to get her number. I tell them this and they don't believe I'll pull it off, but a few minutes later the two of us go outside for her smoke break to talk. Her name is Chelsea, she's originally from Virginia and moved here after visiting her mom and realizing she likes the schools more out here. She's a 21 year old Bio-Engineering student, brunette with just ghostly blue eyes and a cute smile, which she later admits she wiggles her nose when she smiles if she's really happy but trying to hide it. Numbers are exchanged and we end up talking the next day, and even go out on a date. She is full of life and interesting to talk to, closer to my age than many of the girls I'd been dating lately, so it feels different, conversation has substance to it and I'm loving every minute of it. Being with her makes me forget all about that situation with Savanah, that back and forth push and pull of her.

As March closes out, we end up really getting to know each other and make communication absolutely key, we are open about how we feel, what we mean and what is going on in our respective lives. I tell her that I'm not dating exclusively, I'm also seeing Savanah, and that I have problems with Depression, Anxiety and Insomnia. The crazy thing, she accepts it, just right off the bat, which honestly I'm surprised of because within the first week of being together, I lose my shit lol.. I end up having too much to drink, we played beer pong and towards the end of that night, I let her know I was starting to lose my grip and feeling like I'm just a waste of space and she did the most amazing thing, she grabbed my hand looked me in the eye and said, Hey, you're ok, I'm here, I want you here with me. I calmed down after that and we finished off the night just hanging out with her friends before getting food. I do something foolish, like running out of her car while we're in line at McDonald's, and pee on a dumpster, which prompts her to laugh and say she loves me, which if I were sober I would have caught as a term of affection, not declaration of feelings.. but since I'm quite inebriated, I tell her I love her too, very much and I'm happy being with her, she just smiles and wiggles her nose. When we get to my house, she explains that she didn't meant it in that way and it's here I finally lose it and can't recover, I get to the point of crying, grabbing my sides and closing off to everything and grinding my teeth.. but again, she's there for me and helps me unwind. For majority of two weeks, she comes over after work and sleeps in bed with me, then we hangout during the day, go out with her friends at night, it's a pretty great place to be in life. March closes on a changed view on what I want in life.

April has been one hell of a month, and I think it deserves it's own post, so I'll stop here and come back after I shower and gather my thoughts.

Later days,


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