Tchmymnd's Wiki Page

OH, and just go ahead and delete; will be better all round. Thank the Lord some things are hidden under the blood, and some things, my husband does not know about, so we don't want him to, hey? Especially since it is in the past and god has forgiven.

Does he go looking for stuff?

It would drive me crazy to have to worry about my hubby seeing anything.

Oh no; he doesn't look on Mindsay at all, unless I show him something. He is just not interested.  But I would love to talk about some of these stories, as Joseph is doing. It is good to get them off of one's chest, you know, and since I love to write, I would love to publish a book about my life; it certainly would be interesting!

You should do it then, write it! It's very helpful, and freeing!

 

Once in awhile when hubby makes me mad or something and I write about it, I worry what if he sees this, cause I don't want to hurt him, and I know he doesn't like me sharing stuff. But we have talked about this, and it's just how I deal with things, I don't have any real life friends, and it helps me sometimes to see where I might be being rediculous or whatever. So if he ended up seeing it, it would be an uncomfortable thing, but it would be truth, reality and thats who I am. And it's one of the things he loves about me.

My husband has not ever been able to see some reality as it really is. He also does not want me to talk about it because it would embarrass him to know that I have told him some of the things that happen, or don't happen, in our home.  But, as you say, if he had to see, he would just get a reality check, and perhaps that would be a liberating thing. But he will still say that I only see things the way I want to see them and am telling a pack of lies....talk it down, just like a lawyer.

Anyway; did you get to go to church today?

I tell my hubby what I think and feel, what I say here is no secret, he just hears in it a more respectful manner usually.

 

Nope no church today...

But could you do that with your first husbands? Marriages always seem to do better in later years, since the men marry the women at a more mature age and they demand respect.

I have never been married before.  I cherish and adore him like no other, the last thing I want to do is hurt him. 

So proud of you, Becky girl! I don't want to hurt my hubby either; and really; the past should stay put where it belongs in a lot of cases, unless it is used to glorify God.

Proud of me for what?

Well, for getting it right with this man, and living for the Lord now, when you had so many obstacles.  I sinned while I was married, because I was in agony and pain, and because I was sick. But I doubt that the Lord will really  accept those excuses.  But all he will see in the end will a bonnie and a becky in spotless robes, cleansed by his blood....not even seeing any of that other....all in the sea of forgetfulness.

Wanna chat? On IM?

Kay, for a bit...opening now

I deleted the conversation about my husband and so on, on the other blog, but I did read your last entry about your parents thinking you were just having an excuse for your actions after you were diagnosed.  My situation is exactly the same.  Oh, mental illness, is it? Then every second person must be bipolar, and so on and so forth, is what they said.

But I did the exact same crazy things as you have.  I have just upped and left to go and meet two separate men at two separate times, whom I had only met online. I went alone; they could have been axe murderers for all I knew, but I had talked to them online and I just did not care; they seemed just fine to me, and anyway, I felt like I was desperate to be loved, so I did not care.  Fortunately, they were both decent types but we did not hit it off enough for me just to stay with them, and I was still married, so they did not want to get in the middle of that.

If I really wanted another man, I should have gotten out of the marriage first, but I guess I knew where my bread was buttered, and also I was scared to go it alone. My hubby looked after me and gave me security and deep down I knew that I loved and needed him, regardless of our problems.

I know that when all is said and done, I will be so happy that I stuck it out.  God is so good to me and I could have been anywhere had it not been for His grace.  I have always known that he has a plan for my life and have always had a deep love for him...I love to pray and when I get down to it, stay for hours and don't want to be out of his presence...where there is truly fullness of joy.

Yup thats how it was, they would say "I don't buy it". Also my mom has a sister who is bipolar, and she would compare me to her, and say it's just laziness (I would start dishes, and not finish them, a distraction issue and all, not laziness cause I would move on to the next chore, but I bounced around) and things like that. After awhile, my mom ended up coming to me, and saying that she thinks she might be bipolar too, so she started learning, and recognizing things. Like, I didn't have to be full blown manic to have bipolar. And she didn't either, but she had mood swings that were like night and day, so she started getting it. Did this change much between us? Not alot, she still wasn't supportive or helpful or anything.

OH yes, the distraction. I start something, see something else and do it, but then have to remind myself to go back to the thing I started.  But these days, with the meds, it is much better, but I still can't make myself do anything if I get that frozen feeling about it, even if it is easy.  If I get scared, no matter how I try, I just can't follow through with it.  I get nightmares about it, and stress so much and end up doing nothing, like with the business I tried to start online. My hubby lost six thousand dollars....and is not too charmed, I can tell you, just because I was all for it, and then did nothing when the time came to follow through.  Poor thing; he will not do that again, I know that!

And of course, the doctor says I have a "pressure of speech" meaning that I cannot let  a silence linger.  I feel I have to be jabbering the whole time, and I cannot sit still for long, for the life of me...have to change positions often.  LOL!  I am astounded that I got through school and college, but I was a wreck, I tell you, just as you said you were the first time you went.  I often felt like the water was over my head and that I was not going to make it, but by the grace of God, I did, somehow.  He is so gracious.

I do alot better now too, even though I don't have meds now at all. But I have to fight it, I feel that sense come on, that says Go do something else, or It's been about enough of these (usually dishes), but I keep going, telling myself things like just get it done, or not much longer to go.  But Sometimes I get stuck, and don't even get at it, and I hate that. Like the day before, I will have in my head what I'm going to do, and even look forward to being productive and domestic, and then the next day it's all gone, and I can't get motivated at all.  I HATE that, it helped to learn recently of the part of our brain that controls motivation and how it's affected I believe by seratonin. So it makes it a real issue, not just my craziness, it's always easier to fight through stuff when you know your not just damn crazy.

Sure is!  Doesn't seratonin levels have to do with the sun? I cannot stand the heat and kinda hibernate in the summer, so maybe I am not getting enough sunshine, or whatever! 

Yeah it does!

or argaste@hotmail.com

Couldn't get AIM to work... Ugh!

ugh! i kinda wanted to talk to u.

 

if u r still up im me at duncanprescottii@aim.com

 

Installing AIM, now!

neat

thanks

I like you're new profile pic! it's very pretty!

Thank you!