Relationships @ MindSay 
love
You know, so many of the most important events in my life don't end up being chronicled in here. There are a number of reasons for that. Some of them are just too personal to tell, others just can't be properly captured by words, at least, not by me. Not yet. Another reason is just that the event is too emotionally significant so near the fact that putting it to words is too painful. By the time it feels better, many of the finer details, which are often the ones that matter most, are lost to time and the fallibility of human memory.
Some of these still make it in here, but they end up being half-assed, just written for the sake of being written so as to avoid loosing, but not truly captured. I will do my best to ensure that this does not attend this latter category.
Yesterday was packing day for Katie and me. I went up and helped her finish up her packing. The last thing we did before leaving her house was pack up everything we had and stuff it into my car. It wasn't nearly as difficult as it should have been. Partly because I'm just good at "tetris," and partly because, for a girl, she sure packs up pretty tight. There was surprisingly little to take with us. It fit perfectly. There was even room to spare.
After that we went back to my house for a late dinner. I made us a salad and severely undercooked grilled chicken. I suck at chicken. I'm great with red meats, but I need more practice with the chicken. She appreciated it though. We ate more than we could handle anyway.
After that, we were both tired. Seeing as how her mother was already asleep, and we would be leaving early anyway, I just let her crash here at my house. I think she preferred that anyway. Neither of us got much sleep that night, it turns out. Separation anxiety was finally starting to creep in.
We woke up at 5:30 in the morning. We were both really nervous about Katie and Lauren and how they would react to me being there. That's why we wanted to get up there bright and early, get checked in, get unloaded, and just be able to hang out before they arrived. I didn't anticipate things getting rough, considering the circumstances, but other than Taylor and my sister Erin, Katie and I can't really be ourselves around people that we know. Not together, anyway. That's when we're happiest. That's what was going to make this so hard.
We dropped off at Katie's house to say goodbye to Mom, the Cats, and Elise. That’s when it got emotional. Katie went through the teary process of hugs and goodbyes and was finally able to walk out the door…just to go back in to double check which exit we needed to get off at.
Once we got on the road, things got fun. We spent the duration of the trip talking, joking around, and blasting our favorite songs at high decibels, singing along and laughing about how unqualified we were to do so. We were fully aware that at some point that day, a very sudden and a very sad goodbye would become necessary, but that was the furthest thing from our minds at that point. We were more than intent on having the best damn last day we could manage.
Logan canyon was beautiful, as it always is, what with the smell of fresh heather and hay blowing in through the open windows. We got thinking about a pretty country house up on the hillside, with a huge garden and a dozen midgets playing with the horses. We try not to make it a habit to anticipate the distant future, but on this occasion, our dreams coincided so perfectly that we couldn’t help but indulge ourselves a little.
By the time we got to Logan, we were starving. It was a little after 7:30, we had been up for two hours, and hadn’t eaten. We were hungry. We drove around for a few minutes trying to find a healthy balance between desire and destitution, before finally settling on 7-11. A bacon and egg English muffin sandwich, a HUGE chimichanga, and a cup of totally pure cocoa later, we were driving up Old Man Hill, looking up at the Aggie Tower.
We drove around campus for a few minutes, trying to get the feel for where everything was, trying to figure out where registration would be and where we might be able to get a map. No place had free parking. We finally just decided to stop in the nearest parking lot wherein nobody else had any semblance of a permit. It was at that point that Katie realized that she had a map in her little notebook.
I will admit that I wasn’t struck with the same infatuation with the campus as Katie was. At the same time, though, there isn’t much bad I can say about it, aside from the fact that they really need to take better care of their signs. It was a good thing I know who Legrand Richards is, or else I might never have been able to find Richards hall. After all, at first glance, “Le rand Hall” doesn’t quite translate into “home.”
But this is when it’s convenient to date boy scouts. We wandered out into a plaza of dormitories, discovered their names, and triangulated our position on the map. Once we determined where our destination is, it was much easier to find. It turns out that registration was conveniently in Richards, which is right where we wanted to be. A guy showed us up to her dorm, and she got to know the place a little bit.
This is where jealousy set in. Before that day, the only dorms I had ever really been in were the DT’s and B…BBBiddulph. Let me tell you about those, specifically the DT’s. Seven identical floors, each comprised of two parallel hallways with dorm rooms staggered on either side. Each room could house two students, making for about fifty per floor. The room - which each have only slightly more floor space than my bedroom - consists of two clunky, uncomfortable beds, two small desks, two small cupboards, two dressers, two small mirrors, two closets, and a single window that doesn’t open. The nearest kitchen is in the Morris center, in the next building over. Each floor has two bathrooms with four showers each.
Now let me tell you about Katie’s dorm. Its four bedrooms are connected by a bathroom and a huge storage space. The bedrooms have all of the above mentioned items, but with bigger cupboards, mirrors, and comfier beds. Not to mention wall space. Each room has its own entrance so people are never disturbing each other.
Now, four people together live in the three bedrooms of that dorm. One shower. Seems crowded, right? Shower to body ratio is 1:4. Remember DT’s? Ratio is 8:50, give or take a few. Even if the other two people that the three-bedroom dorm houses had shown up, that is still CONSIDERABLY better than any traditional dorm you could find. And I would prefer a traditional dorm to living at home any longer. Ergo, jealous.
While she was occupied with getting situated in the dorm, I ran back down and parked the car over at Richards parking, and began hauling stuff up. Although she had some very heavy things, I think the worst was her indispensible book bin. She had to help me with that one. Even though her load was rather conservative, especially for a person of the female race, it still tuckered me out pretty good. I don’t know what time it was when we finished, but I do know that it was after 1:00 when I woke up and realized I had been napping. I let Katie sleep another half hour while I played Street Fighter on her laptop.
When she woke up, she decided that we were hungry again, so we went to the Blue Bird. It was cute and small and local, and like the Scera or anything else, when Kate finds an establishment that’s cute and small and local, she’s ready to support it. I tend to agree. It was good to take a break from the day and let the commotion settle. Plus it was air-conditioned. We got talking about plans for that afternoon. Katie and Lauren were already on their way up, and we were both nervous about an incident. I told her that I would leave any time she wanted me to…which was the wrong thing to say because she didn’t want me gone any more than I wanted to leave. We decided that I would leave if a confrontation arose, but short of that, we weren’t going to let their ancient (and if I may say so, more than a little unfair) vendetta against me ruin what was quickly becoming and would become the perfect last day. Besides, I hadn’t seen Hannah in a little while and I didn’t want to leave without seeing her.
Halfway through the meal, a very frustrated and very lost Lauren called Katie looking for directions. We stuffed the food into our faces and ran out to her rescue. By the time we got back to campus, though, she had found some parking even nearer than our original spot and was already unloading. We helped. Much to my surprise and delight, Lauren was more than civil to me; she was kind, even to the point of joking around with me. I’m sure it was all for show, for Katie’s sake, but I am grateful for it nonetheless. Moreso than I can express, in fact. There were times I could even pretend that it was as it used to be when we were all friends, something that meant a great deal to me while it lasted. Surprise decorations of my bathroom, late night movies, broken martinelli’s bottles and bubbly instantly frozen to the driveway. It was nice.
Meanwhile I helped unpack and set things up any way that I could. Incidentally, that’s not a whole lot, considering I am sinfully unqualified to manage the many strange and mysterious ways of womankind. I did manage to set up their incredibly sexy scanner/copier/printer on both computers, as well as do some other manual labor which I’m sure was appreciated to some extent. By and large, though, I spent much of the time resting, imagining Lauren telling me that my services were no longer necessary and that I needed to please go home, and wishing that Katie would give me a legitimate reason to stick around.
Katie came over to visit with her parents and with Hannah, and they got to having fun. Katie’s parents went out to buy hangers, which Lauren and Katie had both forgotten, and drinks for everybody. When they returned and had gotten something for me, I was so shocked and altogether touched that they had thought to include me that I was too emotional to thank them, which kind of bothers me because now they probably think I’m just the rotten zit on society’s ass from their daughter’s rants, and an ingrate on top of it. I’m considering writing them a thank you note. It seems small, you know, buying a soda, but it is no small thing to me to be included.
About that time, Katie said that she needed to take me out to refill my gas. I knew what that meant. It was time to say goodbye. We drove out to the chevron almost in silence, because we knew that the magnificent chapter of our lives that spanned the last ten months was coming to a close within minutes. By the time we were back at Richards parking, it was all we could do to keep the tears from flowing. The goodbye was hard, but it was time. That parting hug could have lasted another hour and I wouldn’t have noticed. I didn’t want to leave her. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to roll out a mat and live on her floor for the next two semesters. Hell, I still do.
I sobbed the whole way down to the car. I haven’t cried that much in a long time. For that matter, I haven’t cried much at all recently. I had to stop for breath every ten feet or so. Every muscle in my body wanted to sprint back for one more hug. But at least one of us had to be strong, and for the first time in a long time, it was going to be me.
When I got to the car, I just let the tears flow until I could see straight again, and then I headed out of town. Alone. My car was empty except for my Harley Davidson boots, some wool socks, my dragon pendant, and the Mountain Dew Voltage that Katie’s parents had gotten me. Before I had even gotten to Dead Man’s hill, I was calling Hannah to see if there was any way I could take her home. Before I was off the hill, I had already called a second time, practically begging through my tears. I wanted the company. The ride was going to be a rough one to do alone. That, and I knew she would be feeling many of the same things I would, and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do one more nice thing for her.
It never worked out, and I drove home. I was so distraught that I missed my turn and ended up going through Willard and by Grandma Tucker’s house and I didn’t even stop to look. I was still gushing tears, but I was also smiling. I got pissed. “Why are you happy?! Be sad, damn it!”
And that was when I realized that there was nothing to be sad about. Even though the first few months Katie and I were becoming close were so difficult, she had given me the most incredible time of my life almost every waking moment through it all and since. Every time we parted ways, we knew it would be okay, because we would be together again in a few hours. We didn’t even plan on it; it was just assumed. It was an incredible time! The entire sequence of events that comprised our relationship flashed over me like a film montage:
The park by Shawna’s, the bookstore and dance, the corn maze, the rain starting up every time we got together (God is in the rain), new years and flogging molly. The first email, seeing her nearly every day during Christmas Break so we could get away from family stress, cuddling on Hannah’s couch late at night, thankful for the fact that nobody would be able to prove it, Lauren taking that incriminating picture on her camera phone, leaving Sammie so I could be with her, the first kiss, the first time I had to view that terrible, broken-hearted look on her face and know that it was my fault, a thousand drives, never being able to get up past the gate at Squaw Peak, getting stuck up Dry Canyon, getting stuck in the park, snowmobiling, again, holding each other so we could stay warm in the winter, finally putting all that behind me so I could at least know for sure if Hannah could truly ever love me, the relief of knowing that even though I didn’t deserve it, Katie would still have me back after Hannah had broken my heart, sneaking out at 12:30 every night for weeks and driving around laughing and talking and helping each other cope with our entire worlds and how hell-bent they were on destroying us, a thousand visits to the studio, how we would always try to part with just one-more kiss, the camp out, how much it hurt when she blew me off to film her French video with her friends instead, sneaking out at 2:00 am to film it anyway, hanging out at Taylor’s house, Taylor and I singing “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” at the top of our lungs to her delight, the first breakup, the loneliness of never having her with me anymore, realizing a few days later how much we suck at this whole “breaking up” thing, the weather turning, riding the motorcycle up at Sky Park, movies, her coming to surprise me at the studio, our first real date, a thousand meetings at East Shore and comforting each-other under the ridiculous amount of work it would take to graduate, the drive around the lake when she was feeling restless, upside-down cinnamon rolls, the late-night conversations when one of us wasn’t feeling well, the second breakup, ditching the film festival to hang out for the first time in over a month, winning the film festival and her congratulatory hug, getting back together that night up at the Squaw Peak gate, the hilarity of the cop asking if we were both there consensually, nursing her back to health after she would donate plasma, iceberg fries and shakes, the first time we held hands, sneaking out just to make out in the bed of her truck, my arms wrapped around her when she was sad or afraid and always whispering in her ear, “you’re safe now,” falling asleep in the grass in the park, how much she loved the Scera, never having enough gas money to come see her, Mondays in the lab, splashing in the puddles when our rainstorm finally hit again, carrying her everywhere she’d let me when she forgot her shoes, a thousand visits to Discovery Park, the first time I was able to get the words out of my mouth that I had come to truly love her, the overwhelming happiness when she said it back, dropping everything to make her feel safe when she had the creepy Jason nightmare again, blowing a whole paycheck on her in a couple of days, burying fat cat, packing up her books, loving her so much that my chest hurt, realizing that I need to stop crying or I wasn’t going to be able to drive home.
I know that her going away was a necessary step in the rest of her life, in the rest of both our lives. Still, though, this chapter of my life had so many amazing times that it’s going to be a difficult one to leave behind. The more I think about it, the more I realize that these times are going to have to be given opportunity to continue, someday. Goodbye is not forever. Friendship can be.
Summer is almost over, it makes me think of this song I really like by the Eagles "Waiting in the weeds", it's a great song but a bit sad. Anyway it has to do with summer, relationships, lost love and waiting. It reminds me a lot of my ex who I was completely in love with. I can't help but feel a sense of longing when I hear the song and think of this time of year because it was when our relationship ended. Anyway I am over him but I might be seeing him today so it has brought him back to my mind. My friend is having a birthday party for her son/housewarming party since she just got a new home. So the ex and his girl friend were invited. I am ambivilant about seeing him. It has been about 2 years, ever since I tried to see if he was still interested by asking him to take me on a motorcycle ride. Well, we'll see how today goes.
I haven't heard from the other guy since our brief fling. I wanted to see him before I left for vacation but it didn't happen. I have thought about him several times but I'm not doing anything. Yes, if he contacts me I would probably see him again but it's probably better if he doesn't. It's better if I move on and stay with the boyfriend who is good for me.
The boyfriend and I had a great vacation together. We went to upstate NY, we went to 6 Flaggs, did a zipline, canoed, swam and ate lots of food. It was a good time. The idea of living together still scares me though. I know this is because I am used to being alone, also the drinking comes into play.
To deal with the drinking I have decided to stop 9/1/08. I don't really know if I can do this. The thought scares the shit out of me. For someone who drinks every goddamn night the thought of not drinking is scarey. I just know I can't do it anymore, I've gained so much weight, I feel like shit in the morning and it's just not healthy. I currently am drinking about 4 beers a night and a half pint of rum. That is just insane. So I'm going to try the Antibuse again. I did it for a month before and I'll have to do it again. I probably also need to go to AA meetings. I have just not wanted to deal with this for so long and now it seems I have to, it really sucks...
"So you don't want to hear about my good song?
You don't want to hear about how I am getting on
With all the things that I can get done
The sun is in the sky & I am by my lonesome
So you don't want to hear about my good day?
You have better things to do than to hear me say
God its been a lovely day!
Everything is going my way
I took out the trash today and I'm on fire...
So you don't want to hear about my good friends?
You don't have the guts to take the truth or consequence
Success is in the eye of the beholder
And its looking even better over your cold shoulder
I'm not suggesting you get to line me up for questioning
But Jesus think about the bridges you are burning
And i'm betting
That even though you knew it from the start
You'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart
So go ahead and talk about your bad day
I want all the details of the pain and misery
That you are inflicting on the others
I consider them my sisters and i want their numbers
God its been a lovely day!
Everything's going my way
I took up croquet today and i'm on fire
I picked up the pieces of my broken ego
I have finally made my peace as far as you and me go
But I'd love to have you up to see the place
I'd like to do more than survive I'd like to rub it in your face
Hey its been a lovely day!
Everything's been going my way
I had so much fun today and i'm on fire
God it's been a lovely day
Everything's been going my way
Ever since you went away and I'm on fire
I'm on fire
I'm on fire
I'm on...
I'm on fire
I'm on fire
I'm on fire
I'm on...
So you dont want to hear about my good day?"
funny, i saw Emily today while I was on my way to the laundremat. totally forgot i still had her cd until this came on my ipod. oh n as my bro has put it, i've been cheating on "Scrubs" with "House, M.D." i like "Scrubs" more.
What do you do when it seems like the one person you want to spend all your time with doesn't want to spend any time with you at all? When it seems like the only time they want you around is when they want a piece of ass?
Some days, I feel like he doesn't want me around him at all. Like all he wants to do is be with his friends more than me...
Is it because I don't have anyone here to hang out with anymore?
Not to mention the fact that he's just a habitual liar and I think he might be seeing someone new on the side...
Though, I haven't told him any of these things to his face...
At this point in my life, I'm not sure of what I want anymore. All I know is that I love him so much that I think it's blinding me from seeing other problems with our relationship. We don't talk as much as we used to. I mean, we talk, but we don't have conversations like we used to. All he's interested in is hanging out with Pablo, smokin weed, drinkin beer and playing video games.
I don't understand it... Did I do something to push him away? Maybe it's because I don't like him hanging around his friends so much more than he hangs out with me... Or maybe he's stopped caring about me all together...
He says he wants to be with me forever, but has forever come and gone already?
I wish I had all the answers to these questions. I wish I had as good of a relationship as other people I know. I'm tired of feeling unwanted and pushed to the side. And I've told him that. And he just blows it off like it's nothing. I know I don't need him, really I do know, but I can't imagine myself with anyone but him.
are more muscles and bones. - music.
wow, it's been such a long time since I've posted.
more stupid life stuff has been happening, although there has been a bunch of fun stuff in there, most of it's been annoying, boring, "grah! I wanna kill myself", junk. - overview.
I thought I had completely cleared you out of my mind, until Tuesday morning, when I woke up and I had a really bad memory of you, I mean, for once, this time I was actually thinking of how strange it truly was.. not just how funny. oh well, whatever! you've given up on me and I'm left her wasting my time on what "could have been", because I suck like that. - relationship status.
that being said, I've given up on relationships, I'm kind of out of the whole, 'looking for a girlfriend' part of my life... in fact, I've kind of given up on girls, for now at least, they just like to take your muscles and bones, just to leave you with blood, skin and groans... well, at least the females of my interest, I always have to pick the frickin' weird ones, the ones that make people say "wtf?".
I think the next one needs to be one of those crazy Animal Activists, that'd be fun!
but more serious... I think I'm screwed as far as that stuff goes - thoughts on relationships.
I've been messing around on the guitar, trying to figure some stuff up, as some people know, I don't have any clue how to play the guitar! awesome, right? well, maybe not, but! I'm learning some stuff and going to work it into my already, super confusing... music... stuff... hopefully it'll workout well. if not I'll just learn how to play guitar and not worry about sound effects. - stuff that doesn't dump, screw you over and make you feel like crap afterward!!!(or months later)
Tonight(if it were still Wednesday night in the PM, I saw Smashing Pumpkins LIVE! at the Tennessee Theatre, which was SUPER FREAKIN' AWESOME! I love the show, it was about 2&1/2 hours long, but it was so much fun, I don't really know what to say, besides, I loved it and it was phenomenal! - Fun Life stuff.
I'm also looking forward to school, it should be fun; mostly because I'm learning German & Japanese... - Yeah... School!
I also realized during a 'Choir Retreat', that almost every night as I lay down to go to sleep, 85% of the time falling asleep I think of really sad or depressing things, which by the way, isn't really helpful when trying to sleep. I've realized that I've done this ever since I was about 8, which, if nobody else does the same, it REALLY SUCKS. other than that, the Lake House was fun and we did a bunch of stuff in the lake the next day, now I just gotta work on these thoughts before sleep, I usually try to replace all of these bad thoughts, with all of the people that I've liked, but they've totally blown me off, ignored it, straight up said infront of me that they aren't interested or like somebody else...- unFun Life stuff.
so, overall, life is pretty top notch and I... enjoy some of it! some of it makes me hate myself.
I hope everybody is doing good and having a good last few weeks of Summer!
until next time,
yeah, I still suck,
Later!
Jason.
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