Happy @ MindSay 
[ Happy Slideshow | Browse Tags ]
love
I'm not okay and he's still not mine
"I wont miss your arms around me, holding me tight."
"I wish I could scream out loud, that I love you. I wish I could say to you, don't go..."
And I know that no one has understood this yet. Why it hurts so much, why I can't believe in love. Why I can't trust my feelings any more. Because they say I will love again. Well, I might feel love again. But nothing has felt that right. And it hurts that anyone assumes they know what it's like if they're telling me to get over it.
Everything just feels like a lie. Without him, it feels wrong. I feel like I'm betraying him. Even though he's not mine, he still feels like mine. And I've been in love many times.
And of course, whenever it's over before you want it to be, you feel sad, and it doesn't feel right. But this time...
You just can't believe how right it felt, and still feels. Such a strong comfort, that we made love the second night after meeting. And it wasn't passionate, it wasn't in any heat of a moment...
It was gentle, and comfortable, and slow, and romantic. It was the most right thing I ever felt, being so close to him. Love has felt good, but nothing has ever felt this right.
And part of me still believes that we met for a reason. That we made love, and it meant something. And that maybe right now isn't the time, but that we'll find each other again, and will be together. I know... it sounds so silly. And my skeptism and pessimism says that's ridiculous. But I can't shake that belief. It felt too right to be wrong.
No one ever made me so happy. Nothing's ever made me hurt so much...
Now I think about ways to kill myself, every day. There's a window that could be so easy. I have pills, but it might not be guaranteed. There's trucks, but I might not die, either. I figure the window is the easiest and most certain... I almost did one night. But I texted my friend and he made me stay with him.
I just don't believe in love. I used to think everything happened for a reason, but there's been no reason for this. He just decided he didn't love me anymore. I didn't cheat on him, I didn't treat him badly, he said it had nothing to do with me. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? I know bad things happen, but what am I to learn from this? Besides not to believe. To never trust my feelings again.
If you have any comments about you having gone through this and you got over it, you can shove it. : D
"I wish I could scream out loud, that I love you. I wish I could say to you, don't go..."
And I know that no one has understood this yet. Why it hurts so much, why I can't believe in love. Why I can't trust my feelings any more. Because they say I will love again. Well, I might feel love again. But nothing has felt that right. And it hurts that anyone assumes they know what it's like if they're telling me to get over it.
Everything just feels like a lie. Without him, it feels wrong. I feel like I'm betraying him. Even though he's not mine, he still feels like mine. And I've been in love many times.
And of course, whenever it's over before you want it to be, you feel sad, and it doesn't feel right. But this time...
You just can't believe how right it felt, and still feels. Such a strong comfort, that we made love the second night after meeting. And it wasn't passionate, it wasn't in any heat of a moment...
It was gentle, and comfortable, and slow, and romantic. It was the most right thing I ever felt, being so close to him. Love has felt good, but nothing has ever felt this right.
And part of me still believes that we met for a reason. That we made love, and it meant something. And that maybe right now isn't the time, but that we'll find each other again, and will be together. I know... it sounds so silly. And my skeptism and pessimism says that's ridiculous. But I can't shake that belief. It felt too right to be wrong.
No one ever made me so happy. Nothing's ever made me hurt so much...
Now I think about ways to kill myself, every day. There's a window that could be so easy. I have pills, but it might not be guaranteed. There's trucks, but I might not die, either. I figure the window is the easiest and most certain... I almost did one night. But I texted my friend and he made me stay with him.
I just don't believe in love. I used to think everything happened for a reason, but there's been no reason for this. He just decided he didn't love me anymore. I didn't cheat on him, I didn't treat him badly, he said it had nothing to do with me. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? I know bad things happen, but what am I to learn from this? Besides not to believe. To never trust my feelings again.
If you have any comments about you having gone through this and you got over it, you can shove it. : D
Elements of a Good Day
Woke up at six. I like getting up early. And doing things that allow me to watch the sunrise.
Went to the gym, lighter workout. Still aching from previous kick-butt workout, but it feels good to push a little.
Got home before anyone else was up in the main part of the house. I don't know why, but this makes me feel good.
Had shower to myself. Didn't have to work around anyone else's schedule.
Had breakfast, cleaned up kitchen. I'm very much a breakfast person. I can skip any other meal of the day, but I'm rather cranky without breakfast. Also, the kitchen looks nice when it's clean, and makes my Mom a little happier when she comes down in her getting-ready-for-work mode, and that makes me happy.
Time to talk with Dad, made plans for lunch. Yay Dad, yay us-time.
Got to campus twenty minutes early. Yay having time to mentally prepare for class.
Fairly focused in class, (this is a new one)
save for occasional interactions with Scooter. (secretly suspect that instructor is happiest when I show up to this class either depressed or sleep-deprived, because at least then we don't talk. He doesn't care if I'm surly.)
Met with teacher, chatting over plans and paper. He's nice to talk to, and interested in my plans for the future. Pretty good about remembering who I am and what I'm doing, considering how many students he has.
Borrowed Scooter's Bible (mine went missing, but a lot of the camp staff carry one in their backpacks), read a bit, learned a bit. I'd been a little concerned, (I liked that Bible. It was small enough to fit in my pack, and had this nice soft leather cover that felt good in my hands, and it was a gift from a friend. Also, it was the last Bible I had left, and I really can't go through very much of my life without one).
Played a bit of piano. Piano always makes me feel better.
Driving with happy ska/white-boy-reggae. Warm day, windows down. I don't care if I'm wearing jeans and a sweater, I am a foxy babe. :P Or not. I'm actually almost everybody's Mom/Big Sister-figure, but I'm okay with that, and I still like being me.
Met my Dad for lunch. This is a very happy thing - Dad and Phirefly time.
At Noodles! (Nom nom Noodles.) Dad keeps introducing me to places that he likes to eat, and this was the first time I'd mentioned one that he hadn't had.
Came back on campus, tried to track down Sport. I have news, he has news, and we're both excited for each other. It's normal for us to meet up in the afternoon and go hang out under the oak trees for an hour or two.
Missed Sport (by about half an hour), but ended up talking on the phone for about twenty minutes (usually, our phone conversations are less than five). Made me smile.
Bright sunny fall day. Crashed around in the leaves under the oak trees for a bit, thinking happy-play thoughts.
Working on paper. Well, it's not coming so well, but at least I have time to work on it. This is good.
And, hopefully, for the rest of the day;
Getting time to go up on Quarry Hill (woods and trails time),
Having time with friends at Fusion tonight (only time during the week I get to see these guys. Also, doggies.),
Getting time for a proper workout after that (endorphins and being responsible!),
And maybe getting to share a few words with Mom (mmm, Mom is great)
Before getting to my own bed (snuggle warm soft safe).
My life is so blessed.
Went to the gym, lighter workout. Still aching from previous kick-butt workout, but it feels good to push a little.
Got home before anyone else was up in the main part of the house. I don't know why, but this makes me feel good.
Had shower to myself. Didn't have to work around anyone else's schedule.
Had breakfast, cleaned up kitchen. I'm very much a breakfast person. I can skip any other meal of the day, but I'm rather cranky without breakfast. Also, the kitchen looks nice when it's clean, and makes my Mom a little happier when she comes down in her getting-ready-for-work mode, and that makes me happy.
Time to talk with Dad, made plans for lunch. Yay Dad, yay us-time.
Got to campus twenty minutes early. Yay having time to mentally prepare for class.
Fairly focused in class, (this is a new one)
save for occasional interactions with Scooter. (secretly suspect that instructor is happiest when I show up to this class either depressed or sleep-deprived, because at least then we don't talk. He doesn't care if I'm surly.)
Met with teacher, chatting over plans and paper. He's nice to talk to, and interested in my plans for the future. Pretty good about remembering who I am and what I'm doing, considering how many students he has.
Borrowed Scooter's Bible (mine went missing, but a lot of the camp staff carry one in their backpacks), read a bit, learned a bit. I'd been a little concerned, (I liked that Bible. It was small enough to fit in my pack, and had this nice soft leather cover that felt good in my hands, and it was a gift from a friend. Also, it was the last Bible I had left, and I really can't go through very much of my life without one).
Played a bit of piano. Piano always makes me feel better.
Driving with happy ska/white-boy-reggae. Warm day, windows down. I don't care if I'm wearing jeans and a sweater, I am a foxy babe. :P Or not. I'm actually almost everybody's Mom/Big Sister-figure, but I'm okay with that, and I still like being me.
Met my Dad for lunch. This is a very happy thing - Dad and Phirefly time.
At Noodles! (Nom nom Noodles.) Dad keeps introducing me to places that he likes to eat, and this was the first time I'd mentioned one that he hadn't had.
Came back on campus, tried to track down Sport. I have news, he has news, and we're both excited for each other. It's normal for us to meet up in the afternoon and go hang out under the oak trees for an hour or two.
Missed Sport (by about half an hour), but ended up talking on the phone for about twenty minutes (usually, our phone conversations are less than five). Made me smile.
Bright sunny fall day. Crashed around in the leaves under the oak trees for a bit, thinking happy-play thoughts.
Working on paper. Well, it's not coming so well, but at least I have time to work on it. This is good.
And, hopefully, for the rest of the day;
Getting time to go up on Quarry Hill (woods and trails time),
Having time with friends at Fusion tonight (only time during the week I get to see these guys. Also, doggies.),
Getting time for a proper workout after that (endorphins and being responsible!),
And maybe getting to share a few words with Mom (mmm, Mom is great)
Before getting to my own bed (snuggle warm soft safe).
My life is so blessed.
Yeah!!!!
LAST.NIGHT.WAS.SO.GOOD.
I don't know if I slept after I got home at 1 (note to all: NOT a mature decision to stay out until 1, even if you were driving like mad to get home...when you have to get up at 6); I just kept thinking/dozing about having to drive around to get people/places. Not very restful. And the WORST Sunday possible to not sleep, as I am about to embark on a 4-day/3-night overnight trip with my 5th grader and the rest of the 5th grade at my school and probably should have been in bed at 10:30.... but SO.GOOD.
They were so on last night. And I loved every minute.
Pictures of this and hopefully my excursion into nature when I get back. I 'ope, I 'ope.
<33
I've had so many chances
turned my back and I ran away
I've (not) had so many chances
to. see. you.
I don't know if I slept after I got home at 1 (note to all: NOT a mature decision to stay out until 1, even if you were driving like mad to get home...when you have to get up at 6); I just kept thinking/dozing about having to drive around to get people/places. Not very restful. And the WORST Sunday possible to not sleep, as I am about to embark on a 4-day/3-night overnight trip with my 5th grader and the rest of the 5th grade at my school and probably should have been in bed at 10:30.... but SO.GOOD.
They were so on last night. And I loved every minute.
Pictures of this and hopefully my excursion into nature when I get back. I 'ope, I 'ope.
<33
I've had so many chances
turned my back and I ran away
I've (not) had so many chances
to. see. you.
Another Mythical Land North of Lakewood
Today, I am delighted to be living in a mythical land
where
The sun is shining
The air is breezy and pleasant
I have food in my stomach
clothes on my person that fit
a job waiting for me
time before my next class to rest my brain
hurts-so-good ache in my quads from yesterday's workout
My car has very little maintenance needed at present
The Current went straight from Beach Boys to Arcade Fire this morning
My job allows to wear the four different bits of metal I like on my left ear
I have comfy shoes (you don't realize how big a deal this is until you've had uncomfy shoes)
I'll get to see the other half of a friendship that's been growing stronger weekly
My Dad and I got to laugh about our iron filter this morning (you had to be there)
I have a source of income once again
I have a muffin waiting for me for lunch
I got to see Swedewolf yesterday (he's leaving Saturday, and won't be back 'til Christmas).
Swedewolf, during our lunchtime conversation, labeled me both motherly and charismatic. I had no idea.
I get to play with the Jazz Band for the first time tonight
And hey, again, I get to see Sport. I'm excited for this.
If the weather holds, I may get to go rollerblading tomorrow. I am excited. My quads are crying, but, meh, they're strong, they can take it.
My bedhead this morning was kind of wildly cute, instead of scary.
And I am in this mythical land that exists on the other side of 9 HOURS OF SLEEP!! Yeah!
where
The sun is shining
The air is breezy and pleasant
I have food in my stomach
clothes on my person that fit
a job waiting for me
time before my next class to rest my brain
hurts-so-good ache in my quads from yesterday's workout
My car has very little maintenance needed at present
The Current went straight from Beach Boys to Arcade Fire this morning
My job allows to wear the four different bits of metal I like on my left ear
I have comfy shoes (you don't realize how big a deal this is until you've had uncomfy shoes)
I'll get to see the other half of a friendship that's been growing stronger weekly
My Dad and I got to laugh about our iron filter this morning (you had to be there)
I have a source of income once again
I have a muffin waiting for me for lunch
I got to see Swedewolf yesterday (he's leaving Saturday, and won't be back 'til Christmas).
Swedewolf, during our lunchtime conversation, labeled me both motherly and charismatic. I had no idea.
I get to play with the Jazz Band for the first time tonight
And hey, again, I get to see Sport. I'm excited for this.
If the weather holds, I may get to go rollerblading tomorrow. I am excited. My quads are crying, but, meh, they're strong, they can take it.
My bedhead this morning was kind of wildly cute, instead of scary.
And I am in this mythical land that exists on the other side of 9 HOURS OF SLEEP!! Yeah!
Dagmar Krause is back!
After a hiatus of several years, German art rock vocalist Dagmar Krause made a special live appearance at this year's Avantgarde-Festival, performing with the amazing Peter Blegvad Trio. Here's a video link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGW7CuBS10I
Glad to have you back, Ms. Krause! You were sorely missed.
Ray
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGW7CuBS10I
Glad to have you back, Ms. Krause! You were sorely missed.
Ray
Showing 1 - 5. [ Next ]
Quick Links
Latest Comment
Re: When Babies Cry - few things are worse than flying with that sort of cranial pressure. i once flew from...
| Terms of Service
| Privacy Policy
