Binge Eating @ MindSay

when we were in the forest last wednedsay n i was tellin them all about the rave i went to, I told them about how j couldn't find me n he got worried. apparently my phone deletes text messages after a while, (so i'm glad i typed them all up in this entry about it), but i still had the ones from that night n i showed them to Gabby. after she saw them she was like, "aw, he's such a sweety. u should marry him, n u guys should have babies...that are ravers." XD that was probably the most awesome thing i heard all last week. also, when we were talkin about how we all thought he was gay when we met him, i pointed out that his myspace says he's straight, but his facebook says he's interested in guys n girls. (i didn't mention n e thing about the bulletins he'd posted on myspace back when i first added him in may) then gabby said something like, "ooo, what if he's bi? a sweet, hot, bi guy?" lol, it made me feel good to hear someone else say that he's hot XD damn it i want that boy! haha

 

so i had more things to say but have also since forgotten. um, i'm a cow. moo. i hella binge ate not too long ago, so even tho mentally i feel like shit, physically i feel a lot better. my period has already lightened up so anemia isn't as much of an issue as it was yesterday, but it was just enough time for a cold to set in so as well as it being the week before finals n me being fatigued cuz of my period, i also have a cold. blah. i have so much shit i need to do, but i honestly just don't have the will to do n e thing. i wanna exercise, but because of my period i know that will knock me out n i wanna do homework, but i'm too tired from my period n being sick to focus, n i wanna take a nap, but i'm too stressed about all the work i have to do this week that i can't sleep! what a mess, what a mess, what a mess...n thanx to those of u who weren't Mike that commented on the last entry, it was an unexpected surprise, haha. oh, n cexcitten has somethin awesome on her blog that i'm postin on myspace n i hope all the guys on my friend list read it, especially j XD lol, n doug, too. i think i'm finally getting desperate enough that i may try to fuck him again after break, but we'll see. i hope ur all well :) <3

I have a lot of things on my mind, and right when I focus on something to write about they all scatter back into the folds of my brain the way scared fish dart behind the rocks, kelps, and corals of the ocean. I guess one place to start is that I've been here a week and I'm still alive and I still haven't cut, which are both good I guess, but I haven't been controling my eating too well, either. I'd much rather be cutting than binge eating, but for some reason I'll get hell if I do that, even though I don't see what the bfd with cutting is. I never do it over a fatal place and its never very deep. It's just a cut, the platelets stop the blood flow, new skin cells form, and the affected area is good as new. That doesn't happen when you binge or do a drug of any kind, including alcohol and cigarettes, which some people don't see as a drug for some reason even though by all definitions they are. Or tabacco's the drug, sorry, whatever. Anyway, for those who see cutting as a terrible evil then I guess that's good, but I can't make any promises to keep it up. I had another bad night last night. One of those nights.

 

It started out with me thinking about Shadow again. Five months and about an hour and 15 minutes ago today, he was put to sleep. I miss him so much. Having a new cat will be awesome, especially because she's only about 8 weeks old (her b-day is the day before Brian's XD) and she's so cute. She won't be the same as Shadow, though, and no cat ever will. But like the last time I tried to deal with Shadow's death, my mind shoved that memory aside and suddenly brought up others. Once again Nam was the next thing to come into my mind. What the hell do I think of him? What the hell do I feel towards him? It makes no sense. He abandoned me when I needed him most. I can understand the idea now of him taking a step back from me because it wasn't healthy for him. But to just stop talking to me altogether and not give me a fucking reason for it?! I've been hurt, I've been betrayed, and I've been lied to yet again by someone I trusted and dearly loved. I don't think I'll ever be able to function in a male/female relationship because I'm so fucked up. I've never had a normal relationship, and thanx to my fucking asshole ex I never will. And if Nam couldn't handle dealing with my problems when he was THERE during the shit with my ex, how the fuck is anyone else going to handle me?

 

And then this sets in. The self loathing. How much I hate myself. How filthy and disgusting I am. I'm clingy and I'm psycho and I have a ton of problems and I'm always looking to others to blame. My dad mentally, physicall, emotionally and sexually abused me. My mom sat back and watched him tie me and my brother up and dig his nuckles into our bodies for fun no matter how much we were crying and screaming for him to stop, and my mom wouldn't do a damn thing until she couldn't take it anymore. I wonder if the PTSD started with him. I remember the first couple of times my ex pinned me down that's the first thing I thought of, when my dad used to do that to me and my brother for fun, and once again I'd scream and cry and beg for it to stop and it didn't. and my ex didn't just dig his knuckles into my sides. He did something else to me for fun. I wonder if that's one reason why I felt so hopeless to stop it. I couldn't stop my dad, I wouldn't be able to stop this. And I knew he'd still try to do shit to me even if we weren't dating, and sure enough, I was right. And it was all my fault. Everything is my fault. I'm to blame for everything terrible that's ever happened to me. If i wasn't, then why has it all happened? Why does it keep happening? Why is everything my fault? People tell me its not, yet I live in a society that uses loopholes just to tell me that it was. I hate these thoughts and I hate these feelings!

 

I just want to get away. I want to escape. Not through death, but through anything else. Sex, drugs, rock 'n roll. Bleeding, nature, Sims 2. It doesn't matter, I just for a moment don't want to be living in my own head, alone in my own head. I'm scared. I'm scared and I'm nervous about starting work. I'm worried about the people I'm going to meet and if I'm going to make friends or if I'm just going to continue to be a loner. I'm worried because I have to take caltrain to and from work everyday. I have to take this public transportation and I have to do it alone. I'm scared to miss a train and I'm scared for my safety. I'm worried that something will go wrong with Leela's surgery before we can bring her home. Even though the humane society spays and nueters pets about 30 times a day, you never know how different animals are going to react to what they're given. The woman helping us with the adoption told us that earlier last week they were going to nueter a rabbit. They gave him a tranquilizer and put him in his cage to give it time to take affect. However, the rabbit started hallucinating and somehow broke his own leg. Yes a different animal, but there is always the rare chance that something can still happen. I hate how I worry so much about stupid shit. I hate it because I know its a part of the PTSD because rather than worry about that happening again, I worry about other shit. But I do worry about that happening again. I'm so scared that before the summer is over my dad is going to rape me. I don't know why, but I am. I don't know. Fuck, I fucking hate how my mind does this to itself. I hate being so crazy.

 

I need to get laid.

I've sobered up now. That was a waste of alcohol. I brushed my teeth and put in my retainer, and now from me wearing it so infrequently it's really starting to hurt. I did it originally to keep me from drinking more when my buzz was dying and to also keep me from eating because I tend to binge a lot when i'm drunk. The problem is, i really am starting to feel truly hungry now. I think when I'm done writing this I'm going to take a piss, and if i'm still hungry after that then i'm going to take out my retainer and eat another avacado. Like i said in the previous entry, I don't want them to go to waste and every day they get a little bit worse. The problem is, all the leftovers as well as the communal foods like cheese are gone. All i have are these avacados, the homemade cookies from my mom, and I have a box of Mac-A-Weenie & Cheese, but the stove isn't working. I guess I could put some in a bowl, boil it, and then estimate on the cheese powder and the amount of butter and milk to use...? We'll see. After this stuff is gone I have to start spending money for my own food, and since I don't have a job I'm really worried about that. Maybe tomorrow night one of my fuck buddies will be online so I can get a belly full of semen or something like that. If I'm lucky i'll get several on New Years, lol. :P g'night mindsay.

i slipped down two stairs and scraped my hand and my foot. :( then i raided the kitchen like I did last night. (After i signed off i went down stairs, found some one's leftovers and ate a bunch of them.) It's ok, some of the food wasn't specifically anybodies. the stove is also broken, which is a big dissappointment to me. However, now i do know for sure that i'm not the only person here in Redwood. I knew i wasn't yesterday when i went downstairs and it smelt like some one had cooked up some hashbrowns in the kitchen. When I went down there just now, they were watching football. I think it's a guy because the light in the guy's wing downstairs has been on since I got back, but I don't know. I may go back down later and try to befriend him. if he has a car he can take me to the mall, lol. For now i'll eat what's left of my peanut butter and watch my cute hermit crabs.

so i'm taking a second out from sleeping to say that i didn't drink or have sex tonight. I went to sleep and 8:00 and woke up at 11:30. I'm still tired, but i could use a little break. I feel like eating, but i know that's only because i've been stuffing my face the past couple of days and i swear that i can see it in my face how much weight i've gained. Now that middle eastern dance is over I can start cutting my stomach again, and today i did. i had to keep wiping at the blood because i was wearing my white shirt with Brian Griffin on it. Also I'm running out of points on my meal plan for this semester and if my plans go through for break i'm going to have to control my eating and only eat when I'm truly hungry because I'm going to have to use my money from bank to buy my own food. (I'm not going to use "prostitution" money cuz then my parents will think i'm anorexic for not taking any money out of the bank to eat.) Go check out birthdays in your spare time. Good night everyone.