Anger @ MindSay

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I seriously fucking scared myself today.
I was reunited with that blackened, blankened emptiness in my head - the very same one I had when I spat on Ash from the top of the wonky stairs, when I punched her in the face by construction and the several major arguments with Shelly where I came close to strangling her.
 
I don't even remember what the build up to it was - I can only remember the during and the afterwards.
I remember getting more and more frustrated with her, knowing she was being a fucking stupid cunt as usual - being so damned selfish, self-centred, self-important, spiteful and generally immature - to the point where I ended up leaning over her, pinning her to my bed by her shoulders - actually not using a massive amount of strength, but she wasn't able to fight me off.
 
I wasn't violent - I didn't hit her - but I spoke with that incredibly sarcastic, patronising, calm-yet-very-violent tone - making no effort to swallow excess saliva - so when I said my harsh consonants, she got my wet rage on her cheeks. And I said a lot of harsh consonants.
 
I wanted her to be scared, and I knew when Shelly gets  that scared, she has accidents. I wanted her to piss herself - I wanted her to be humiliated, ashamed - I wanted her to have no control over herself.
I spoke to her like this for about 10 minutes, then went to sit at my computer for a while. What I did, I don't remember - but she didn't move - she stayed on my bed, laid in the same position.
 
I went back over to her afterwards and returned to what I was doing previously - but harsher.
At one point, I saw her flush red and she started crying hard - as opposed to the watery eyes she'd had for the rest of the time. I had a feeling I may have accomplished what I set out to do - but I made her admit to it to humiliate her further.
 
There's another gap in my recollection - but after this, I went to lay in my special space - between my bed and drawers. I took a pillow and laid on the floor, my head by the boiler and my feet by the desk. I cried a little bit, because I felt guilty. Then I cried a lot, because I was depressed and ashamed.
I couldn't apologise for a very long time - nor could I bring myself to look at Shelly. She made me eventually and I gave a sort-of apology. I don't think it was good enough, but she assured me that it was.
 
She made me tell her some events from "5 to 15" that I don't like talking about. She insists that they have some answers to why I feel the way I do now.
 
Well I'm willing to bet they do - but not as significant as she makes out. She fucking assumes wrong all the time. How dare she fucking assume and then go ahead to state that I ENJOY feeling depressed all the time. No, I'm not fucking content in my own depression. If that was the fucking case, I wouldn't have agreed to more sessions with Dianne. I wouldn't fight with myself every fucking night to stop myself cutting.
She is the fucking stupidest cunt I know. Who the fuck would say I enjoy being depressed? You can CLEARLY fucking see that I don't! Anybody could fucking tell you that!!

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Normally, having a dream like the one I just had wouldn't affect me the way it has done - but with the events of the week that have occured, and with all these events from previous times dwelling on my mind - I've woke up wondering what the fuck the dream was about. It seemed so real - and the fact it was full of people I knew, in a place I was familiar with - it's scared me.

It took place in the computer room we use for Photography lessons - only it had a slightly different layout. Perhaps it was the angle that the dream took place from - I could recognise the room, it just looked slightly different. Shelly wasn't there - but Michelle was, and I wanted to sit with her.

Now normally, there's a ton of empty computers in that room - but for some reason, there was only three empty ones. Two were together and one was out on its own on the end. I wanted to sit with Michelle, but this lass - who bore this horrible resemblence to Conway - only more chavvy, with blonder hair and an orange foundation was talking to her - and she pushed me aside and sat where I was about to - so I had to sit on the end computer by myself.
For some reason, I was more angry about this than I should have been, and I refused to do any work, I just sat and stared at my YouTube channel (which is weird, because YouTube is blocked on the college servers).

Paul set us off doing a task - then he wandered out as usual.
This chavvy lass stood up and walked over to me - she stood behind me and started hitting the back of my head. Then she was poking through my hair, prodding my excema scabs and making comments about them. I don't know WHAT her actual words were, but I could always tell what the subject was, because she'd touch or point at the subject in hand. She must've done it for 5-10 minutes solid, and I didn't actually retaliate until I stood up and said things back to her.

I'm not sure what the last thing she said was - but she made me snap.
I punched her in the face, grabbed her by the neck, digging both my thumbs into the pressure points that stop you breathing - and I pushed her across the room to the printer. When we were there, I smashed her head backwards four or five times onto it, then turned her around and punched her in the face a few more times and in the stomach whilst simultaneously kicking her in the legs.
She was trying to fight back, but all her punches seemed to hit my chin or my arms - and didn't hurt me very much.

After I'd kneed her inbewteen her legs, I pushed her to the ground, held her still with one of my arms and kicked her in the sides and in the side of her head a few times until she was bleeding down one side from her ear and her lip. I walked away from her and went to sit back at my computer.

She didn't move for quite a long time - but when Paul came back, he didn't seem to notice her until she stood up and went to blab to him. She was proper crying, but managed to maintain this sly smirk.
Paul moved a chair to the side of me and started talking to me - but not about what I'd just done, about my coursework.

This went on for a while until I turned around to Paul and said:  "Why haven't you even noticed what I've done?
She's proper blagged to you and she's got her crocodile tears, so why aren't you laying into me?"

Paul still seemed proper confused. So I said: "Won't I get kicked out of college?"
Then his mood changed and he proper started ranting about all the other options I have if I got kicked out of college. It was all very confusing.

But at no point during this dream did I ever feel remorse for what I did. I sat there with the same expression the entire time. I didn't ever once show anger. Even when I was kicking the shit out of this lass, my face was totally blank. And this is exactly how I feel when I get angry and hurt things. Hence the reason this dream bothered me so much...

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Alright, I've been feeling shit for over a week now.
I got so upset earlier, I laid on my bed and thought about what I've been doing the last week that I don't normally do. I've compiled a list:

1. I either eat shitloads or nothing at all
2. I can't be bothered showering, brushing my teeth/hair or general hygiene tasks
3. I can't sleep on a nighttime - at least not before 4AM
4. I randomly fall asleep during the day
5. I'm cutting myself every day
6. I can't force myself to cry
7. I don't seem to think very often
8. I can't be bothered talking 
9. I'm not being difficult when mam asks me to do things
10. In effect, I'm actually being nicer to her
11. I'm not turning my light on when it gets dark
12. I'm feeling the need to masturbate a lot - especially at around 12AM-2AM
13. I'm randomly gagging when I put food in my mouth
14. I'm always thirsty
15. I'm getting a lot of headaches
16. I'm getting a lot of random stomach cramps
17. My stomach often feels harder than usual
18. I'm not going to the toilet very often
19. I'm always warmer than usual
20. I can't concentrate on something for very long
21. My excema is going mental
22. My chest always feels tight
23. But I feel less and less bothered to actually take my tablets/inhalers
24. I'm more proned to shouting at Shelly for being stupid, and have done several times
25. I find myself sitting somewhere for an hour and not actually accomplishing or even doing anything
26. I can't keep my head straight for very long - it seems to flop to my right a lot
27. My arms feel very weak
28. As do my fingers and my wrists
29. My eyes sting randomly and my vision fucks up

And I don't even know what the fuck could have triggered it off.
I got depressed earlier over watching this shitty programme with mam - and I don't even know why.

I managed to force myself to cry, and because I can't cut myself at the moment (mam would see, it's far too warm to wear long sleeves to hide them) - I punched myself in the face and smashed my head against my headboard and my wardrobe. I gave myself a massive headache, made my nose bleed a little bit and triggered off my asthma.
Shelly rang me in the midst of all this - then I ended up arguing with her.

I went on MSN to talk to Adam - then I went to lay on my bed again mid-conversation.
He's changed his personal message to angry stuff and his Facebook status is all like "Hmph, some fucking friends" - I don't understand, is he angry at me because I stopped talking?
He just went straight offline too, so maybe he's angry at me as well.

Shelly was angry at me for ages - she used something against me that she shouldn't have and I hung up on her and turned my phone off - then got around to calming down, letting her ring me again - made an effort to sort things out, but it didn't seem to fucking get anywhere.
She even suggested we split up, for if we couldn't go back to being friends - it would affect Ash, and all this.

Sigh, I don't know what the fuck to do with myself.
I was considering jumping out of my window earlier.
It's only about 12 feet from the ground, I wouldn't have died - maybe just broken an arm.
I was actually quite close to sitting on the windowsill - I was knelt on my entertainment stand, with my elbows on the frame - looking down out of it...

For fuck's sake - why can't I just die.
Every time I try to trigger an asthma attack - something MAKES me take my bastard salbutamol and then all my efforts are wasted.
What's the fucking point.

If I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, I'd make an effort to sort it.
But I just don't know.

Today, in reading the New York Times, I came across a full-page advert (page A5) put out by the ADL (Anti-Defamation League), a Jewish Organization with the stated purpose is “to fight the defamation of the Jewish people…to secure justice and fair treatment to all.” The ad went as follows:

“Mr- President -
The problem isn’t settlements, it’s Arab rejection. We all support peace in the Middle East. But pressuring Israel is not the right approach. The obstacle to peace is not Israel. The settlements are not the impediment. The issue is simple: the Arab and Palestinian rejection of Israel’s right to exist, including through violence and terrorism, for over 60 years. Israel’s right to exist is undeniable and is based on its right to self-determination in its historic homeland. The path to peace is clear. With recognition, Israel has said again and again that everything is on the table without preconditions. Mr. President, it’s time to stop pressuring our vital friend and ally. It’s now time to direct your attention to the rejectionists who refuse to recognize Israel and negotiate an end to the conflict. With your leadership, yes, we can have peace. But the path begins with the recognition of Israel.”

You can see the ad and the formatting here

I really wish this organization would stop espousing it's over-simplified statements on behalf of Israel, because I truly believe they are ultimately to its detriment, and to the detriment of the entire peace process.There are many things I find irritating, and, beyond that, disturbing about this ad. For one thing, it’s this stolid, bull-headed view that the problem is one thing and not the other, that “the issue is simple”: but the issue is ANYTHING but simple! Is it at all possible that both the illegal, aggressive settlements and Arab rejection of the legitimacy of the state of Israel might both be parts of a much larger and much more complex problem, one that, in its complex enormity, has been brewing for many generations, into which people have been born and died, because of which directly people have been born and died?

It’s reflective of a general tendency of the extreme wings on both sides of this conflict to paint it simple, to pretend that it’s an issue of black and white, good guy and bad guy, evil side versus saintly side, when the actual case is, both sides have “good guys” and “bad guys”, and those “good guys” and “bad guys” do not emerge from a vacuum: they emerge from reactions to complex cultures of crisis. As part of this absolutist tendency, there is this cry to absolve Israel of all blame, as if in its entire history, especially its recent history, it has never had a single action that was in any way impeding the process of peace in the Middle East. That statement itself is impeding the process! It only fuels absolutist groupthink on both sides that has so far absolutely failed to solve anything (for proof, see the current state of the Middle East).

There is also this voice involved that exemplifies its own narrative as the only narrative of the situation, in complete denial of the other narratives of the same situation that exist in tandem to it, which themselves are essential to approach and consider if there is going to be any peace at all. The assumed simplicity of all Arab peoples accepting a narrative of the events in Israel’s history foreign to their own--and that all Arab people have one narrative, at that--is not only arrogant: it’s unrealistic. The acceptance of the validity of the state of Israel is more than just a symbolic action, as this ad seems to assume: it’s the acceptance of a point of view of the situation which denies the dispossession and the suffering that people have accumulated in their national memory. It is a complex and difficult struggle, one which I myself have fought with, to announce the legitimacy of the state (and to therefore imply that one condones the actions that occurred in order to establish/maintain/expand that state.) I do believe that, at this point, because there are Israelis who have been born multiple generations in Israel, that at this point the state has a right to exist (noting of course that this is not a simple thing for me, and that it is something which I struggle with daily, and that I do not feel comfortable with condoning the aformentioned things that went into the state and that continue to occur in the state. However, I am not a dispossessed Palestinian. It is much easier for me to come to that conclusion. Especially considering Israel’s past refusal to even consider the Palestinian people a people at all, let alone giving them the right to their own lands (a very, very recent development, one which even to this day has not fully come to fruition), how could it be considered so simple for them to do the same for Israel?

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this ad is its condoning and alleviation from all blame of the Israeli settlements. The settlements are, in my own opinion and in the opinion of many others, a very pointed and continued obstacle to the path of peace in the region. Spurned by the biblical imagining of the land of Israel as including the West Bank and Gaza and the right of the Jewish people to that land, these settlements are aggressively moving into areas outside of the “Green Line” into areas in the West Bank (mostly ceased in Gaza since תוכנית ההתנתקות, the Unilateral Disengagement Plan in August, 2005), much of which is occurring on lands privately owned by Palestinian citizens, and all of which occurs with the intention to “claim” all of Biblically imagined land of Israel for the Jews, devoid of Palestinians. The development of the settlements were unfortunately at various points encouraged and even developed by the Israeli government (therefore making even that issue complex, as there have been people who settled in that land without religious motive, albeit those are not the people who move out to the settlements today),but at this point many of them occur illegally (again, unfortunately, with support from the current right-wing Prime Minister, Netanyahu), but are actively dismantled by the Israeli Army and police---however, to this end, many of the settlers have taken on an anti-government attitude, saying that they will just keep re-building and re-building. If that is not a “problem” in terms of Israel and Palestine developing peaceful relations, I honestly do not know what is. Terrorist activities, suicide bombings and violence against citizens are absolutely awful and cannot be condoned, but neither can actively colonialist, disenfranchising structures and complexes, white phosphorus bombs and aerial fire-strikes on civilian homes and disproportionate military force, or blockades on basic goods. Extremism on both sides must be accounted for and called to end.

This ad is misleading and over-simplistic at best. Of course, to this argument, I have heard the counter-point "But look at what other people say about Israel!", and honestly, I absolutely do not buy that. I for one am sick of the "they did this so we can therefore do that" game. It is obvious to me that the pattern of that attitude will only form the shape of a snake biting its own tail, granting eternal life to and obliterating all hope for an end to a conflict that is creating hostility, unsafe environments, death and destruction for millions of people. The history of this conflict is long and complex, with shades of gray all over the damn place. If anyone truly wants peace, on either side of the conflict, there needs to be a removal of the albeit attractive, appealing goggles of black-and-white visions of righteous anger and the absolutely good nation and the absolutely bad nation, and there needs to be a move to start seeing the conflict for what it is: complex, with good things and bad things being done from both sides. There needs to be an acceptance (which, of course, I realize is a difficult one, and one which will take time and effort to reach) of the multiple narratives involved in the situation. Only once we switch our focus from Us vs. Them to Us and Them (if we can't get it down to just "All of Us") can peace even begin to grow.

At the moment I am not proud of myself.  Yet I am torn and I'm working on processing what happened.

 

The Man and I went to play Texas Hold'em which we do every Tues and Wed.  First game I did real well.  Second game on my left was the tournament resident asshole abusive loud drunk   On my right was a young woman who had just given birth to her first child...born prematurely and who was in an incubator...who weighed just over 2 lbs.

 

The asshole looked at her and said..."so is it still alive?"  She said yes, and she weighs 2lbs 8 oz now."

 

His response?  "Hell that isn't a baby..its a burp".

 

I know he was drunk.  I know he's an abusive asshole.  You should have seen Shannon's face.  So I got pissed off.  Hell I lost my temper....which I do rarely.  I got up from the table after folding every hand for like 10 rounds and told the guy running it...put me somewhere else or I am gonna hurt someone.  I then went into the bathroom and kicked the shit out of an innocent unoffending metal garbage can and hurt my foot. It was a cruel and nasty remark.  Thotless yes.  He was drunk yes.  Do I care? NO.  That does in no way justify his comments nor do I think that I need to put up with them.  So The Man drove me home after he was subjected to my bad humor (for which I later appologized) and I drank a beer and went for a long walk..with The Man's poor dog in tow....we walked around the block 4 times...briskly...the dog hates me...lol.  Yes it was past midnight ... but Goddess help any one or thing that would have crossed our paths because I was still spoiling for a fight.

 

I realize that its ok to be angry, yet I'm still processing why am so damned angry.. I know I have a lot of stored up anger in me and that I need to find constructive ways to release it..,.without hurting my foot or killing people....and that up to recently...I haven't allowed myself to BE angry.  I've been the peace maker, the guide with no feelings of her own, the one who sat on the fence and saw both sides, and that was how I was raised.  Anger wasn't feminine, girls didn't get angry, they let  boys win, they subjegated their feelings second because the feelings, wants and desires of those that they loved (husband, children, parents) came first.  There was always this nebulous promise that 'later' there would be time for you to do what you want, be the woman free and unencumbered to pursue all the hopes and dreams that have been on the shelf all these years while you sacrificed yourself for your loved ones.  That is what girls of my generation were raised to do.  We also believed that if we loved people and sacrificed for them, that our loved ones would appeciate it, love us in return and treat us as queens, that the white knight would carry us off to eternal bliss.  Sadly, by the time reality sets in and the kids leave home, amd 'me' time becomes a priority...many of us find ourselves caretakers of aging parents or spouses...or babysitter of grandchildren for our children who are out 'finding themselves' or whatever its called now.

 

So at 56..angry?  Oh hell yeah.  Working on it...Hell yeah!  Pissed off tonight and probably for the next several days?  Hell yeah!  Ever speak or sit down at a poker table with the asshole again?  Hell no!  And while I'm not proud of losing control tonight....because virgo tho I am, I try to see all sides and make allowances, I try to be even handed...but somethigs just push my buttons.

 

And damn it all...I've paid my dues and I'm entitled to be angry at even drunk assholes and to expect that my night out is a fun one....not spoiled by some pathetic excuse for a waste of space,.  He's lucky I killed a garbage can...I exercised restraint because my metal chair was aching to come in contact with his head.

 

So question....does being drunk excuse behavior or should the person who was drunk be accountable for their actions?