Confused @ MindSay

I think- well, I'm pretty sure- I am depressed. I was supposed to have my doctor's appointment on thursday, but mom had to do something at work, of course. I had been talking to the counceler at school and she gave me her card to give to the doctor.

 

I believe only I can change my life, and I used to think I could do it all by myself but I guess I was wrong, because had I not met my friend-well, really ,former friend:(- then I wouldn't still be here. Then when we parted, I was alone again- not alone as in simply alone in the room, because I generally like this, but actually had no friends. I hate the feeling of having no one to talk to. I'm usually so strong and independant but I don't feel it and havn't felt that way for a long time. My boyfriend loves me and I love him but we've been aruging over stupid things lately. I never get to see him, or really any of my friends for that matter. I'm not even allowed outside of the house. I don't get enough excercise and find it hard to eat healthy when my mom just doesn't pay any attention to health- she's overweight and smokes.

 

I havn't been the same since the end of grade six. This was when my boyfriend i had for the schoolyear moved away. The last thing he said to me, the only time he was online, was " I found new friends, I don't like you anymore". I understand it would never have worked, living so far away but I still would've liked to stay friends. Of course things never go on my side...

 

When he moved away, it was followed by my other best friend moving, too. I didn't like her a whole lot because she was really sensative and immature, but at least she was someone. When my boyfriend moved away I spent months crying myself to sleep. It seems kind of silly, but it really hurt what he said, and it didnt help having no one to tell. I had one "best" friend, who also lived far away and we wern't all that close, and I would've never told her anything of this sort.

 

Then I met my former best friends, Drake and Marcus.We met at a Campground, where I have very pleasant memories from since I was 4. My "best" friend Kat and I went to keep a check on the laundry up at the laundrymat there, by the playground. We saw 2 guys at the playground and I wanted to go over and say hi, of course kat wasn't interested but came anyways. I almost immediately liked them both, and I later found out they had both liked me. We got their emails, I talked to them both online- again, kat wasn't interested. Drake and I decided to go out. Having these two as my best friends, was a comfort and I liked feeling like I was worth something. I'm not sure I ever told Drake about my first ex, and how I was sad but it seemed to not matter so much anymore now that I had them. I love them very much, and this was part of a problem because Marcus still liked me. This made me and Drake uneasy 'cause he's the flirty type, and Drake is very protective- over protective, and gets jealous easy. Marcus actually kissed me when Drake went to the washroom while camping. I knew he liked me but I never expected this. I was so confused and surprised and shocked and like WTF. Then he said " don't tell drake", ad drake entered the tent. He demanded we tell him. I said I can't, but marcus had to. I think Drake got mad at me for this, but it's not like I could've stopped him, it was in the blink of an eye.

 

Drake and I went out for 11 months. I ended it after meeting Eric, at the same campground. Eric wanted me, and I talked to kat about this, and she asked me to eliminate all of the people, and who I liked the most. I thought about how Drake had been preoccupied and I felt he was neglecting me when he got a dog. He was paying more attention to it, than me! I understand a dog needs attention too, but I was being ignored, and didn't like it. I'm not an attention whore, but when I wanted to talk to him, he'd be too busy playing with his dog. I thought about Marcus, I still liked him but I couldn't possibly because he was cousins and best friends with Drake. Eric was so nice to me, and I was actually being payed attention to. Eric had also bugged me the whole weekend and was like " break up with your bf for me" and " go out with me now and break up with him later" I was so annoyed and confused. I finally said I'd go out with him, really just so he'd stop bugging me. Then I broke up with drake. He immediatly stopped talking to me, I knew he loved me. Really, I wanted a break, but he didn't understand this. So I just told him " I don't love you anymore" and he hung up. I called him back and he hung up again, I could tell by his words he was crying. Then Marcus stopped talking to me too. A friend of his said he hated me. To add to all of this, the rest of my semi friends/aquaintances had moved away.

 

I was crushed, and was alone yet again.. This is when I started to cut. I'm not sure where I got the idea because I never heard of people doing this, but I took a compas and carved lines. Sometimes I would use mini scissors. I was about to kill myself with them. Snip a few of my veins. I also started writing poetry then.

 

Then there was...Nick. He didn't know at first, about my habit or sadness, but I told him after a while. I don't remember why, but he was very trusting and was my only friend. He was surprised and immediately became sad because of this. He loved me. During the two months that we went out I managed to cheat on him. I devastated myself and felt like shit. I think it's wrong to do this, even when I loved him so much and he had done so much for me- he even had a shrine, and treated me like a princess( my poems " feeling you let go" and "Chaos Love" and " A missing shred" are about him). This of course made him not trust me, and was disappointed and angry. And of all people the person I cheated on him with was my soon to be stepbrother, who lives at my dad's house. Nick and I were still together and I earned his trust back, but I ended it with him in February partly because of my stepbrother, Joe.

 

Joe and I had been fooling around for a while after I broke up with Marcus. With Joe it was a love hate relationship, and he controlled it. I'm not sure he cared about me or used me, but he acted like he had some feelings for me. I loved him at times and hated him at others. He was mean except when he wanted something, it seemed. But then he was also nice and comforting when I needed it. He actually gave me a hug once and only once, when I refused to let him touch me. He doesn't like being wrong, and I guess he maybe felt offended when I told him I had a boyfriend. I wasn't going to go out with Eric, and contemplated it for a while, because of Joe, but then Joe stopped wanting to fool around for a while I thought he didn't want to anymore. I'd sit downstairs watching tv waiting for him to come over, or pay a little attention to me while he was on the computer, which he was on 24/7, but when he got off around 2am, he told me to go to bed. I hated him for it. I confronted him one night about how he was so mean. He said he was keeping away from me, and trying to avoid me ( which as I type this makes more sence because I had told him I had a boyfriend....hmm). I asked him for a hug and he said no. I asked him why he was so mean he said it was my fault. He said I always bug him, and he says he goes out of his away not to bother me after I told him that I do so. He called me the problem. I felt like nothing. That's what he always made me feel like. A piece of shit. I loved him, when he was rarely nice, or even just civil, but most often he was so rude and mean and never wanted me around anymore. At one point when there was a spider in my room( not that I'm afraid but I wouldn't want it crawling on me and couldn't sleep with one there,(oops forgot to write this crucial part) and I asked him to kill it, because he's taller, but he wouldn't. so I sat at the kitchen table most of the night in the dark, just crying. I kept saying to myself " I want to die. I just want to die. More than anything, I want to die". I feel that was one of my lowest moments.. good thing I was too afraid to grab the knife in fear of someone seeing me..

 

 

(As I write this, and everyday when I think of my memories and those in them, I can picture it all, very vivid like I'm reliving it all over again. This is very hard for me to write, ecpecially with tears blinding my vision, good thing I know where the keys are...)

So here I am alone again. Then one day I went online and Eric was on msn, but it wasn't him, it was his cousin, ( my current boyfriend) George. We talked and I got his e-mail and talked there. I told him about what had happened to me, and that I was very depressed. He did not react like Nick did, of course he was concerned but it didn't make him really sad, himself. He of course was sad a bit 'cause I was and he cared a lot about me. I didn't know how I felt for him. At this point I didn't even know if I should trust him with this, or anything, but I was so desperate to have someone to talk to, and he seemed trustworthy- lucky for me, he was, for once something bad didn't come of this. He really wanted me to stop cutting. At the time I was too weak, still and continued, just not as much. I started to care for him quite a bit as well as he did me. Still I was unsure I should be with him, in fear of him leaving me if ever we broke up( like had happened in previous relationships..). I also was still pondering Joe Nick, and if he still wanted me. Then I gave up on Joe Nick. I still loved him a bit but I wasn't going to prolong my decision to be potentially happy because of him. I really liked George, and he treated me well, too well I still say. I don't feel I deserve how good he treats me. I feel important. I feel special. I feel like I matter. I still wasn't happy or well, as I still am not, but It was nice to know someone cared about me....

with no title, and not directed at anyone in particular.


Oh, little girl.
What's your deal?
Are you honestly confused,
Or just don't know how to feel?

I have been neglecting mindsay blogging for atleast 3 weeks if not more.  I think it's because there is so much going on and I didn't know where to start and if I really wanted to share.  Then again, I do remember that this a place for my thoughts and that no matter what I would say it would be ok.

First, some great news! 

* I am a aunt to the most beautiful girl in the world Dakota Candace Marie.  I was there to see her come in  to the world.  All I can say is amazing. 

*Work has been really great the schedule has been working really well for me!  Babysitting has been interesting as well the kids are so cute and I have a great time with them.

* I have been spending time trying to get healthy, which is something I have been neglecting for a very long time.  I found this great place and the people there are so supportive...it's really amazing.

The not so good news... a guy I have been tangling with for like 10 years on and off calls me to tell me he is gay and he thinks he has known for quite sometime.  It is a shock that I am still working through and not sure if I will ever get over.

 

 

So, my birthday was yesterday. I started out feeling groggy, figuring it would get better when I got to practice. My knee had been hurting for the last two weeks, and has started to hurt more and more recently. The day before my stomach started in on not wanting to function entirely properly. I figured it was PMS related. So, at practice, my coach decided to *lovingly* have me row in a single with my other friend who is about the same pace, against two coxed fours, and a double. We began to panic hysterically, as the coach told us that we would be doing two 30 minute long pieces, one upstream, one down, and that my friend and I were starting behind a 1/2 mile, and were expected to not only catch the bigger boats, but get ahead, and stay ahead. 30 minutes later finds us at the 9 mile marker, extremely tired, and over heating in spandex shorts and sports bras. On the way downstream, knee hurt bad, did not catch double until halfway through piece. never caught the fours because bigger boats move faster downstream, and they got too big of a head start. way too big. I tried to stay with my friend, so we could encourage and push each other- a good system. but we were so dead coming into dock. so, so dead. the first person, outside my family, to say happy birthday to me was my doubles partner. I got home, had to go out on my bike up hill to the grocery store for bisquik because my younger brother demanded pancakes, had to MAKE pancakes, and after eating two, felt like I was going to be sick on top of horrible cramps. the time being 11, i sat in front of a fan for 15 minutes trying to cool off, as I could feel the heat radiating off me. ended up falling asleep by 11:30, slept through lunch, and did not wake up until four, were upon I spent the next 2 hours before dinner in a daze, and still with stomach pain. I had been drinking ridiculous amounts of water all day. and I still had a huge headache. yesterday was pain overload day, seriously. after dinner and cake, I once again felt the strong urge to puke, but did not.

then my friends called, singing happy birthday into the phone. I was so happy for like, 3 minutes. the best 3 minutes all day. and then they began demanding that I get over to their side of the river, saying that they were too tired from walking around all day, and that they had no way of getting over to my house. after trying to explain that I had to ride over, which would be 20-25 minute drive, they tried to get me to take transit. this would involve a lot of painful, limping-filled walking. and a fourty-five minute bus ride just to get there. having tried to explain that I had not felt well all day, and that walking would hurt, they began to tease, and slightly plead. then I started getting yelled at. I tried my best to hold my voice over the phone, and, after hearing them say they'd call back later, we hung up.

and then I began to cry.
because I was angry at them for not listening.

Because they said they called multiple times, but their calls were not on the caller ID, which would have showed up if they had.

because my cruddy day was getting worse.

because For the first time in ten years, I was home on my birthday, and I might as well have not been, since no one called until it was too late. because my friends decided to do something without calling me and asking if I wanted to do something. because they sounded like they were having so much fun without me,

and I felt so alone, and like an outsider with my own best friends.

and I still felt sick. and my knee still hurt. and I still had a massive headache. and felt like I had a fever.

and then when i finally fell asleep, I kept waking up. In pain. I was awake more often than I was asleep. and today, my knee was even worse, to the point that a light touch hurt like someone had just broken something.

and when I tried to express my feelings about the aforementioned day to one of my friend, she just emailed back saying that she did not want to deal with my sudden "mood and behavior", without even saying why she was so upset.

I mean, friends tell each other when they hurt, and things go wrong, right? Now I feel guilty about sending her an email, but I mean, its not like they ever called back.

and the friend just... flew off the handle.

And I sincerely meant that I hoped she had had fun at a con, and that I had hoped that the three of them had fun yesterday earlier in the day.

I am so hurt, lost, and confused.

thankfully, my stomach functioned mildly better today, although holding down breakfast was a battle. and I go into the doctor tomorrow. :(

I just wish that I knew what was wrong.

would it be okay for someone to tell me for once what is going on so that I am not always the last one to know? I mean, how am I supposed to help my friends if they won't tell me what's wrong??