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Coming Out of Darkness

After a few years of extreme turmoil and the introduction of an incurable, degenerative disease, I have finally turned back to antidepressants. Got buproprion this round – a few weeks in but at least the non-stop loop of suicidal ideation has subsided. I feel guilt for not being able to make myself not feel like dying so much of the time – but I’m doing what I can. I got access to the ADs on a regular, medication refill to my PCP. He asked the right question to let me give a vague answer so he could help me start to dig myself out of this hole. The feelings of worthlessness and despair were not things I could fight any longer. So yeah – I feel both guilty and relieved at the same time. 


In the meantime, there is awkwardness as I communicate with him about my status and how much to tweek the medication amount. I am so grateful that he will communicate via the portal – if I had to talk about this in person right now, I would probably vomit.


Life is complicated, and I am not sure if I am worthy of it – but I am hanging on for my child because she deserves a chance. 


I am afraid to look back at the few, but desperate, posts I have put here in the last couple of years. My whole being is fraught with anxiety, guilt, judgment, and a desire to not be the person I am. 


 I like this x 1Love x 3Love x 3Love x 3
4 days ago / @eris +
(no subject) Leela just saw your internet browsing history
 I like this x 2I like this x 2LOL x 2LOL x 2
2 days ago / @deeterz +
(no subject) Crazy things. Friday I sent a message to my best friend from college to kind of jokingly (and…
 I like this x 2I like this x 2
5 hrs ago / @almost23 +
(no subject) ugh.. This has been a real bad week. Ive been in south carolina for a while.. my grandfather is in bad…
 Have a Bear x 2Have a Bear x 2
yesterday / @cornholio23 +
24 hours OFFICIALLY SMOKE FREE! Almost 36 hours !
 I like this x 2I like this x 2
5 days ago / @bandgeek24 +
Thoughts on Stuff - Skipping out of work early...

Left work a bit early though to the standard employed person it was a long day, and if I had the luxury of being an hourly employee, I would have received overtime on this day. Being a salaried employee at the Workplace of Despair is not for the weak or lazy…


So here I sit in my regular coffee shop though I have been regularly here as of late. Sitting here pondering what I should do with my life. At the moment, I still have parental obligations to the kiddoes though this shall not last forever for they shall go off into this world and do the things that they want do or must do…


And that leaves me with deciding what to do with me in this not too distant future. What should I do? What would I like to do with me? What will I be whence I finally grow up? It’s a big world out there, and I have seen very little surface area of this blue sphere. Should I venture forth and see what I have not yet seen? Or should I just relax and behold the wonderment of all that surrounds me at that particular point in time at that specific location? So many things to ponder upon in the brief I have whilst I am still needed…


Though there is a part of me that would feel I should just give up – my mission completed, time for the scrap heap so what remains can be recycled into something that is once again useful to the universe. I am not a quitter by any means, but these years of constant battles has taken much from me, and the desire to continue upon the path I have found myself upon takes more and more from me each and every day without returning a single thing…


So much to ponder upon and consider, and I have some time to do such though not much time relatively speaking or in this case typing in many ways for I have never been in this coffee shop on a Friday night and I have no clue whence they shall close, but from my casual observations I will surmise that closing time is very soon and I will need to go whether my coffee is finished or not…


And so I shall end this here and finish what is remaining in the cup and be off. And so I shall bid y’all a fond fare thee well and venture forth to the world outside this specific coffee shop at this particular time…


 I like this x 1Love x 1
3 days ago / @weesaul +
This shit is Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S I had a brush on social media with a reality celeb I love to hate. So…
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4 days ago / @mystupidmouth +
why does the top blogs link disappear when one signs in? and reappear when one looks at…
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6 days ago / @palaceofperseph +
Who needs a motivational cheerleader? Completed my foundation personal coaching classes… working on…
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4 days ago / @hauntedwhisper +
(no subject) “There is only one success--to be able to spend your life in your own way.” ~ Christopher…
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10 hrs ago / @divine +
It just gets worse

Branstad just signed into law collective bargaining changes.


It sucks. It really sucks, and it hurts.


There’s the part of me that’s so upset that public employees are treated and thought of this way. Because, I can guarantee you— we are not in it for the pay. We truly aren’t. Look at the jobs we all do and then at the pay we get. It sucks seeing how unappreciated we are and how little people think of us.


Those people that voted for this- how would you feel about the no pay increase?


Guys, do people seriously understand how much of my paycheck goes into things for my students??!? FROM MY OWN PAYCHECK already?! You’re cutting the budgets that the schools are getting- which is already NOT ENOUGH. and THEN you’re taking away from my paycheck, so now I can afford even LESS for my classroom and my students. :(


Here’s a list of what I’ve bought for my classroom in the last couple of months:

Snacks, and a box of granola bars and graham crackers- (which I keep in my room at all times because sometimes kids come to school without breakfast and don’t have time to eat here), books, science activity supplies (small, but add up- baking soda, vinegar, pans, syringes...), art supplies (cotton balls, q-tips, water color paints), plastic animals to use in our “discovery center”, water beads (also for discovery center), penguin erasers for math activities, a couple of learning packs on, a backpack (because a student broke theirs), and a couple of items of clothing from the second hand store to keep in my room for when kids have “accidents” (spills, toileting, etc.).




I could be using it for my own children, who also need things at home- and WANT things at home. I WANT a new pair of shoes because my boots are squat- but I put my students before myself, ok.


It makes me want to go get a new job. A job where I’m appreciated, where I can work hard and climb a ladder, where I can grow in the pay scale…. Because I won’t ever be able to get a raise (at least for a few years now). I feel like I might just deserve that, you know??


And, for me personally- I don’t have a husband to help me support my two daughters. And when I do, it’s only about 150.00. Guys, if you don’t have have kids, let me tell you, that doesn’t get you too far. I don’t have consistent child support. It’s JUST MY TEACHER PAY for MOST of the time.


BUT THEN, I think about all of the reasons why I love my job.

I love the kids. I love coming into my room and getting things together for them. Setting up activities that i know they’ll love AND will be learning. I love seeing the report cards at the end of the year. When Johnny didn’t know but one letter coming into school, and then leaves knowing all of them. I love seeing them spell their own names. They start friendships. The kids learn how fun school can be, and enjoy learning how to count, add numbers together and take numbers apart, how to jump REALLY far and how to walk backward. They learn about how BIG the world is and how there is so much beyond this world. It’s fascinating to see their faces when they are watching the video of an astronaut in the space station and try space food for the first time!! When they FINALLY get that 25 piece puzzle put together ALL ON THEIR OWN!!! When they come in not having read books at home and leave with a favorite author. And when they come to school, give me a hug and say “I missed you! I love you so much!” I LOVE it. I love it SO much!! And THAT is why I do my job. That is what gets me to school every day. 

And trust me it isn’t always easy. Because some days, in my class of 10 students…. one student hits another on the neck with a block, right before another one poops his pants, and another is starting to climb onto a table and almost falls off…. all while another is asking for directions on a new app on the ipad and someone else needs help looking for a lost puzzle piece to the puzzle they’re trying to finish. Those are also the days where someone comes to school sick and we can’t contact their parents, so I’m trying to comfort them while they’re puking in a garbage can, and tell them it’s going to be OK, I’ll be there to help them.

AND- my daughter comes to me and asks if she can be on the soccer team- which is 20.00 to sign up, and then about 25.00 for the new cleats and a couple new pairs of shorts. I mean, you know…?!?!




I’m sorry. I’m upset. :) It’ll all be OK.


 I like this x 1
3 days ago / @almost23 +
no ones got it harder twice...not once, but twice today...once on this site, which totally fucking shocks…
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12 hrs ago / @morte +
WWE wrestler George ‘The Animal’ Steele dies at age 79 Entertainment…
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3 days ago / @rv1501 +
(no subject) I’m heading to my parent’s house tonight. Hanging out with the family, talking about my…
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(no subject) Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face, or love in the eyes of a…
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yesterday / @almost23 +
(no subject) I f the little things fire me up The big ones are sure to set me ablaze This is great news for a…
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8 hrs ago / @juke +
(no subject) It’s been such a beautiful day with people delivering flowers to every room in the school except…
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6 days ago / @almost23 +
Swing High

Yesterday a friend invited me to a swingers party. I’ve never been to one, and neither has she, but we sort of first became friends because of our connection over our openness about sexuality. A few weeks ago while hanging out at my place we ended up watching this Netflix documentary about swingers. 


She’s a lesbian, she was engaged for a little over a year to a girl who she dated for a long time. She kept telling me that she wasn’t sexually satisfied in their relationship and really wanted to see if her fiance would be into opening up the relationship. But she “KNEW” her fiance wouldn’t be into it. I kept telling her that it sounded like a tough spot to be in, and if her girlfriend truly wasn’t down for that kind of thing, then the relationship probably wouldn’t end well – it might have a chance if their sex life was at least decent, but by the sounds of it it wasn’t decent at all. She wasn’t getting any satisfaction from it.


Anyway, that’s her personal story, so whatever. I didn’t see my friend, let’s call her T, for like a couple months, and when I saw her again she told me that she’d broken up with her fiance. They were close and she loved her but she realized that the sexual incompatibility wasn’t going to work out for either of them in the long run. Better sooner than later, I say. 


So she was already clearly open to this idea, then we watch this documentary, and now she’s found a Mardi Gras themed party that’s happening in our tiny little town out here (wow!). I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested. 


I’m so tempted. I’m so curious… and, I kinda like the idea of being with other people.


But sort of like T’s situation, I really don’t think Jeff would be down for it. Or maybe he would. I probably shouldn’t assume. Even if I DID want to bring it up with him, it’d have to be… very gently. Slowly. Warm him up to the idea. Then eventually let him know that I’m interested in seeing what this is all about. 


But I honestly don’t even know if I’d want to swing. I just … don’t want to rule it out as a possibility for something I might enjoy doing from time to time? 


I read something somewhere a while back that said that given the choice between having sex with the same person but in a different position each time the rest of your life, or having sex with a different person but in the same position (I think they specified missionary) the rest of your life, most men surveyed said they’d choose the latter. And most women said they’d choose the former. If that’s true… hey, Jeff can get a different booty once in a while, and so can I, while still having a strong relationship between the two of us. That sounds great.


But things don’t always go how you imagine, I know. 


Anyway… I honestly don’t think I’ll go with my friend. Even as an observer. Although it has occurred to me that I could tell Jeff that I’m going, AS AN OBSERVER, with a friend who trusts me and asked me to go with her since she knows I’m open minded and it’s her first time. I’d of course admit that I’m also curious about what it’s like. But I’d firmly promise not to participate. Maybe even invite him along…?? As an ‘observer’ or just to enjoy the party, sans sexual encounters. 


Anyway, I’m also not sure how he’d react even to that since he knows T is a lesbian, and I am pansexual. There’s nothing sexual between she and I, but I know Jeff still doesn’t fully understand my sexuality. He’s very traditionally-minded, midwestern white hetero male. He’s not been exposed to this kind of stuff a lot. He’s aware of it like a lot of people, but it’s kinda like… his mind hasn’t been exposed really to the mental space it takes to understand certain things. That takes exposure over time, and a little effort at times. 


To kind of veer onto a different topic… I have noticed how his going to school has changed him a bit, so I know that exposure and personal exploration make a huge difference in creating understanding. He seemed a little closed minded to me about socioeconomic and racial issues when we first met, but his second semester of college (which he started 2 years after we were dating), he took a class where he did a research project on the projects of Chicago. He learned a lot through his research about the intersection of poverty and racism, and now he speaks up a lot against racism and criticism of people living in poverty. He’s still got his racist stripes here and there… but I see the progress. We all have our things. And we can create understanding through stuff like exposing ourselves to the realities of how people live and how things are interconnected through our lives. 


Anyway, just had to get some thoughts out. 




 Love x 1
4 days ago / @divine +
Did you know... More to follow...
 I like this x 1
yesterday / @rv1501 +
Symbolism I definitely am who I am only because of symbolism. If I didn’t believe in the power of…
2 hrs ago / @cactusofdoom +
2016 FULL BLACKLIST of Republican Traitors that Need to be Removed EU Times on Oct 9th, 2016 For…
3 days ago / @rv1501 +
Did you know...
3 days ago / @rv1501 +
Did you know...
3 days ago / @rv1501 +
Did you know... More “ Did you know… “ will follow...
3 days ago / @rv1501 +
(no subject) ended a thing. hope i didn’t lose a friend doing so. it’s for the best, we weren’t…
5 days ago / @attentionreader +
(no subject) the power of the veto okay, something i have observed is that people have particular feelings…
3 days ago / @morte +
The Moms.

Okay. So I spoke of a pair of girlfriends planning for a baby…

I commeneted on a status of theirs saying Something along the lines of "You guys are SO LUCKY! You get to hand pick your donor! Not all of us are so lucky! Its heartbreaking watching my son suffer through his fathers eczema! I constantly worry he's going to develop asthma like his father as well and have to suffer the rest of his life and Not be able to do the things he wants to because of it! (Don't even get me started on the alcholism. I still have a few years to worry about that though!)"


It just so happens that their donor has every quality I just mentioned as well. The towns people think he's a crackhead because he has sores on his face from his eczema...

... She is still going through with it. She replied saying she would take it into consideration.


WHY DO PEOPLE SET KIDS UP FOR FALIURE?! This is completely selfish to be so adamant about wanting a child that you risk certain health issues. 


Oh well. I put my concerns out there..  *sigh* At least if the child has mild eczema like Daniel I can guide them in the right direction. Trust me, you don't want to put lotion on a child that stings on broken skin. I've cried after watching Daniel shake from the pain.




5 days ago / @insanereid +
done drinking This is the last time i’ll ever drink. After a long time sober, I…
4 days ago / @cornholio23 +
THE CHANTIX DREAMS CONTINUE Last night’s chantix dream was a good one. I got a new job. I make $20…
4 days ago / @bandgeek24 +
I've never cared much for pets I’m heartless that way. Having a pet has never been worth the…
5 days ago / @cactusofdoom +
Coming Out of Darkness After a few years of extreme turmoil and the introduction of an incurable,…
 I like this x 1
4 days ago / @eris +
(no subject) T he light rises down below Gradients play like an old tape Left on repeat since who knows when I…
 I like this x 1
2 days ago / @juke +

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