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(no subject) Old habits die hard and are repetititve and destructive I feel like I'm going in reverse. One step…
 
6 hrs ago / @americancer +
A thought for the day... The Liberal MSM is over-eager to blame the Manchester terrorist attack on…
 
10 hrs ago / @rv1501 +
for now.

I always find my way back to this site when I am struggling the most. It’s a different kind of release and I am better able to understand myself when I am freely writing in this place. I feel like I can be more true to myself.

 

I found out recently that an “ex” of mine stalked me enough to find my tumblr and had been reading it while we were “dating” as well as after I had ended things. It felt half like an invasion of privacy and half like a sigh of relief that he actually read and understood my truth about the situation instead of whatever the fuck he made up in his head. I just don’t feel like that space can provide me any catharsis when I am working through personal and intense emotions anymore. So, here I am.

 

Lately I feel like I am losing my footing with adulthood. I’m fighting it every step of the way. Few things are bringing me joy— even when I am doing things I know I love doing. Last night in yoga, the instructor started class by having us lie on our backs and connect to our inner peace. It sounds cheesy and senseless, but lately, the world seems to be crumbling tragically everywhere you look. Our mantra for the day was something along the lines of… “Connecting to your inner peace makes the world a better place”. I cried for the first 5 minutes of class. I am hardly bringing peace to myself let alone the world. 

 

I understand that things change. I understand that I can’t just go through life reacting to the things that happen around me and that if I want something specifically, I have to ask, try, do, act, speak, resist. I am just having a bit of trouble getting myself to do any of those things? It almost feels like I am paralyzed with indecision and indifference. But I am still overwhelmingly melancholy. 

 

If I am mad at my best friend, I ignore it and try to let it go. 

If I am hurting over family problems, I shrug it off or even laugh about it. 

If I am worried about my health, I talk myself out of going to the doctor.

If I am mad at my brother, I just ignore him.

If I feel shitty about my body, I just get into bed as early as possible.

If I feel like no one wants me, I kiss whoever gives me attention.

 

I am not happy with the direction my life is going. 

I feel hurt by a lot of the people around me.

I hardly want to go home at the end of the day because I can feel the tension. I just don’t have the energy or willpower to have a mature conversation with someone— especially when I see no solution to the issues at hand. 

 

My apartment used to feel like a sanctuary.

My neighborhood friends used to be like a second family.

Everything just feels wrong now.

Everywhere just feels lonely.

 

I don’t really know what I can do about it which makes it even more difficult to work through. 

 

In the last month or so…

 

My brother went into rehab again. My parents have discussed moving to another state while he’s away. My best friend went from 0 to 100 real quick with a guy shes been seeing but somehow it’s my fault that we’re drifting apart. My closest friends (including someone I have been low-key in love with with for 3 years) moved out of my neighborhood.

 

The only good things are my yoga studio and a sprinkling of people I can rely on to hear my truth. Usually venting is enough, but this fog has yet to lift and I just keep making really bad choices while trying to get out of this head-space.

 

It feels good to write this all out. To see it in plain text. To read it back to myself when I need to understand myself.

I don’t know… it’s something, for now. 

 

 

 I like this x 1
20 hrs ago / @noseatbelts +
A thought for the day... And the winning couple for DWTS is… Drum-roll…
 
yesterday / @rv1501 +
(no subject) Day one of a march to financial freedom. Staggering, mind-blowing, insane numbers kind of financial…
 
yesterday / @jakerad +
Carless-break. I walked down to the abandoned house, and sat on the concrete out front. I smoked until my…
 
2 days ago / @americancer +
And it works!
 
2 days ago / @rv1501 +
Fucking Fantastick!

I have spent the better part of 3 months not texting or emailing John. I resisted the urge to ask him how the move went or if he had started on Chapter 2 of his book….

 

And I was proud of myself.

 

I went on a couple dates with a guy… it went well I like him, we’re going to see where things go…. He’s really open and honest we talked about relationships we talked about John he askedif I was over it and I said “Yeah, sure… well as much as I can be I guess”

 

 

Then yesterday in my inbox is a revision of the prologue (the awful, long, pretentious one) and a request for me to read it and provide feedback and a "How are you?" hmn... tough question there, John, How am I?? Well I haven't cried myself to sleep for a while now and I've stopped the anti depressant.... and I am currently doing a water fast to cleanse it out of my system so I’m doing fucking fantastic.  

 

On that. I’m doing a week long water fast yes, in part to cleanse my system but also to see if I could reasonably do a longer one. Extended water fasting looks like it has some interesting benefits aside from the obvious one of loosing weight. So far I’ve only gone one day and I will be attempting my work out tonight. There are various views on exercise during a water fast. Some people say it is a bad idea and will attack your vital muscles and others say it’s worth it because it will develop a strength and endurance as well as burn more fat. I’m just wondering if I’ll physically be able to do it because I know there have been times before where I’d work out in a fasted state (like only 12-15 hours) and I would feel light headed and nauseous. But I’m going to be at about 48 hours by the time I get to the gym today so I’m wondering if it will be different. Yesterday I was definitely hungry but this morning I’m not. I’m sure I will be though when I get to work and there’s food smells everywhere lol. Hopefully it’s mostly gross foods like whatever tea one of my coworker makes- it smells like dry dog food…. that would actually be a welcome smell in the office today.

 

 
2 days ago / @c4fine13u22 +
New Job Day 1 First day of new job today. There’s a lot to learn. And on top of that…
 I like this x 1
2 days ago / @divine +
 
(no subject) 'Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with…
 I like this x 1
2 days ago / @mel674 +
Same Old Story Not really sure where to begin but felt like I needed to get some things off my chest. I…
 
3 days ago / @bowlinchic867 +
 
(no subject) I “need” some new work clothes and I got lucky and got a 40% off coupon today for…
 
3 days ago / @chel2thec +
Chris Cornell

I vaguely remember when Kurt died. I remember scarcely better when Layne died. I remember much better when Scott died. I'll even throw in Prince and Michael (different genre, of course). Somehow, this is the first one that really bummed me out on a gut level. As I listened to a tribute to him on Spotify I listened to his lyrics much more closely and realized that's where my hurt was coming from. His own.

 

That we've lost four of the five vocalists that changed the course of music in the 90s is unbelievable. The voices of our generation. That so much talent from our youth is gone, leaves quite an unwanted hole.

 

And then I come to find out that it was, in fact, Kim Thayil (as well as Ben Shepard), whom I saw at a local Minneapolis show my crew and I were filming on Friday night. Emotional night. The band couldn’t keep it together to cover Black Hole Sun. And it’s going to be difficult to listen to “Burden in My Hand” for quite a long time...

 

 I like this x 2I like this x 2
3 days ago / @jakerad +
Thoughts on Twin Lakes... Back to nature Back to where my soul belongs A return to my…
 I like this x 1Cool beans x 1
4 days ago / @weesaul +
is this thing on? WOW! Hi all! I’ve been neglecting this a lot, which might explain why my mood…
 
5 days ago / @americancer +
Nostalgia And off in the haze of the horizon I can faintly see the farmland I grew up on…
 
5 days ago / @jakerad +
And now, something irrelivant 7...
 
5 days ago / @rv1501 +
And now, something irrelivant 6...
 
5 days ago / @rv1501 +
And now, something irrelivant 5...
 
5 days ago / @rv1501 +
A thought for the day...

The more I watch, the more I read, the more I listen,

the more jaded and disgusted I become with the MSM!

 

In my mind, the more I hear “an anonymous source”,  “a person

not authorized”, “a source close to___________ ", “a former

official”, “an official” … (Ad nauseum)… the more I less believe

that that source is being protected by the MSM to protect their

identity, but that these “nameless sources” are nothing more

than an excuse for blatant lies and fabrications!

 

So much “news” is exposed as false/fake now days that I believe

the MSM has totally lost all ability, creditability, and worst of all,

HONESTY in reporting the news!

 

Negativity? My god. how much more negative can the MSM get?

A Harvard poll reports that Trump immigration news is 96% negative!!

 

Everything Trump does is “NEWS” and CRITICIZED! 

OMG! Trump had TWO scoops of (vanilla) ice cream while everyone

else received only ONE!

HOLY BATSHIT! Trump had Diet Coke and everyone else had water!

 

Seriously?!

 

WHO GIVES A SHIT??!!

 

Really, build a fucking bridge and get over it already!!!

TRUMP is PRESIDENT and that HAG LOST!!!!

 

 

 

 

 
5 days ago / @rv1501 +
119 I'm sore And I failed That's all
 
5 days ago / @newme +
(no subject) Still trying to be boss babe.
 I like this x 1
5 days ago / @cas +
 
Single Mom Is it weird that I call myself a single mom? I have a boyfriend. He lives 2 hrs away. On…
 
6 days ago / @insanereid +
And now, something irrelivant 4...
 
6 days ago / @rv1501 +
And now, something irrelivant 3...
 
6 days ago / @rv1501 +
And now, something irrelivant 2 ...
 
6 days ago / @rv1501 +
And now, something irrelivant...
 
6 days ago / @rv1501 +
checks and balances things have worked out in an interesting way at work. the program director that i…
 I like this x 1
6 days ago / @morte +
(no subject)

I started a group of friends to learn ASL together.

It’s been so fun so far.

I’m sort of the leader of the group, so I’ve been the one to come up with what we’re learning, what we should focus on, etc.

It’s been really good for me as far as pushing me to learn and master signs.

Now if I could just learn and master the grammar. ASL grammar is super hard for me. But I’m getting there.

I wish I could start a new blog to keep up with my progress, and share with the group. I may end up doing that. It’d be interesting to keep track of new words and phrases and concepts learned and when I finally get the hang of certain concepts. Also good to remember what I’ve done and see how much progress I’ve made so I don’t get frustrated and give up. I could make video blogs in ASL with captions and text explaining concepts, photos of difficult-to-me hand shapes, etc. For French, text blogs, videos speaking, and translating paragraphs and songs would be awesome. Even singing my favorite songs in French or interpreting into ASL would be so cool. I think I might try to get this set up. It’d be neat to Future-Me.

 

ASL and French are such beautiful languages to me and I hope one day I’m completely fluent in both. ^_^

 

 I like this x 1
6 days ago / @xRainbows4eveRx +
"should we do this again?" dude.… less than 2 hours until dinner. THE…
 I like this x 1
6 days ago / @morte +
(no subject) On the way to recital (#2) (At the end of all recitals.) (and one of Audrey,…
 
6 days ago / @almost23 +
 



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