(warning: stream of consciousness, personal feelings about victim shaming, etc)
which means i spent 5 full minutes today crying over presidential candidates.
i can't get my sleep pattern settled.
i have strange, invigorating dreams.
and today i received my raise, and i’m able to fully enjoy the excitement.
it's eerie because i finally understand my dad's reluctance to treat his manic depression.
but i need fucking anti-anxiety medication, because i'm not him, and i think that i could be a less depressed person if i could stop fixating on things.
people want to complain about my generation, and the millennials, and even the gen x people, bitching about how everyone is on antidepressants, or anti-anxiety medication, or in therapy. saying, “everyone's playing the victim,” only shows me that you've been lucky enough not to be targeted to the degree that you are afraid. anyone who is in a targeted demographic understands what it is to feel victimized; now, what you do with that feeling is crucial, you can feed into it, frustrate and isolate yourself, you can attempt to deny it and internalize it, or you can reach out, work, and overcome it. you can let it fester, and build into unbridled resentment; you can keep that inside, or unleash it on the world. but the point is, “victim” as an insult is disgusting. because the very concept is that a person has been the victim of something. you can't be a victim without a crime.
i get it. you're using it sarcastically, or (wrongfully) “ironically” but what you're really doing is reinforcing the stigma that makes people not reach out for the help that they require to be functional members of society. many people use social constructs to support them through difficult times, and they do this by reaching out in some way – why is the “victim” not entitled to pursue the same type of support?
some people go play softball, they look up local teams, meet new people, forge connections. some people join support networks (or blog) to do similar things. to feel relief, enjoyment. to connect, communicate, be a part of something with a sense of community.
aaanyway. that was quite a tangent. and i feel better.
because my point was, i'm embarrassed to post this, because it's vulnerable...and its only vulnerable because i feel shame. i feel embarrassed that i haven't managed to overcome what my genetics have given me. i look at my depressed mother, my repressed, angry grandmother, my manic depressive father, and i still feel like i must be lazy, and self-indulgent. because as a victim (“victim” ), i don't deserve help, because i should simply “get over it” because that's what “strong” people do. you need to move on. and you do. but if i have learned anything, its that moving on doesn't work if the damn thing is infected. that type of stuff needs taken care of. if an experience burns itself into your brain, you might never let it go. every person's threshold is different, there are no degrees on horror, or degradation, or pain. you can't experience that for another person. you have to process your experience yourself and hopefully, it gets better. ideally you get to lead a better life. and if you need a fucking support system to do that, get one. don't be ashamed to communicate with people that love you.