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there have been lots of ups and downs recently.
mixed bag with attending the sex club. actually had sex this time, with patrick, and a girl named stephanie. the fallout afterwards wasn't great though. so i’m not positive if i’ll try going there again without a date, ideally someone who will be a better support network than patrick is capable of being.
i woke up friday feeling awful, and attributed it to drinking the night before, but it turned out it wasn't a normal hangover; it was combined with a sinus infection, which continues to give me crazy problems with my entire body.
the bachelor party went off without a hitch. we ended up with a “nesting doll of surprises” concept: first, zippy was informed that he should be dressed, fed, and ready for adventure by the early afternoon. then rob (possibly his longest running friend) showed up, and took him for a bike ride. then we arrived, with all the party supplies – including groceries and ingredients for a huge breakfast feast. we told him to eat a plate, and be ready to be kidnapped. we blindfolded him, and drove him to canton for the murder junkies show. the venue had a pinball arcade attached, so he also got a big bag of quarters. after that we partied some more, and made some more breakfast foods. he was totally pleased.
over all, i would say i’m breaking even.
I love our roomate. She's wonderful. Aside from being one of the messiest human beings I've ever met, she's been the perfect roomate.
Our rent just got raised by another 100 dollars, so we are paying 1175 for our 2B2BA apartment, which is an amazing fucking deal for this area considering we have ac, central air, new appliances, a washer and dryer, and it's about 1200 sqft.
Every month our rent including utilities was like 425 for each of us (back when rent was 1075). It's not hard for us to pay rent considering we have decent jobs, but tonight our roomate told us she is most likely moving to Arizona to be with her boyfriend.
I definitely knew this was going to happen and I'm happy for her and we don't have to sign the new lease until July. I also don't mind because I'm a neat freak and can't handle her mess sometimes and I also don't mind us finally having our own place but I do mind how much more we will be spending.
I gave up hours because I was making enough without having to work 40 a week. So I take home 1200 Every month after taxes. Every month, one entire paycheck will be towards rent only. Not even groceries or car insurance or my credit cards or anything else.
I hate being an adult.
And I guess at least I have my photography on the side to make extra cash,but that's also a lot more time I have to spend working.
We interviewed another potential roommate yesterday. We had 5 lined up to interview.
- The Guy – never showed up, never let us know he wasn’t going to show up. Disqualified.
- Biology Girl – Leela didn’t like her, but she is a field biologist that was playing in the river earlier that day and probably smelled like dead peacock.
- Thursday Girl – so far, she is the winner of the lot. She’s super duper chill, will probably just chill in her room and not really bug anyone… or be bugged by anyone. Leela loved her, and she loved Leela. She also adored the kitty.
- Lady who never shut up – we never even showed her the house. We learned all about her job, where she lives, lots of things… but there was no way to ask her questions, or even have a conversation. It was nonstop chatter. She’s been disqualified because she would be uncomfortable to live with. She’s so pushy.
- Closet Furry – we are meeting with this girl on Tuesday. So far I have the highest hopes for her. She communicates clearly, has a steady job, and is a student. She is very pleasant to talk to, and seems like she will respect boundaries (and clearly communicate hers). She also seems like either an otaku or a furry, based on the limited amount of facebook stalking I managed to do. It’s weird how those two groups sometimes overlap.
Part of last night, I had a rather vivid dream that I think was inspired by following some of the Verizon strike news and thinking about how much control corporations have gained over their employee’s everyday lives (employers get to do things that would be rightly counted as abusive if it were done to another human being in a relationship, like control bathroom breaks, etc.).
In the dream, I was wandering in a nighttime area outside a large building where there were shabbily dressed, not quite human groups of slaves toiling. This area was controlled by aliens that looked pretty much human. I was with a small group of other people and was afraid that we would be caught, but because of my clothing, the ones in charge assumed I was not a slave. I went inside and saw some of them in robes singing, but before I went in, one made a comment about how the slaves play later in the day and I knew he was lying. Eventually they caught up with the small group I was in and we were told we’d have to watch something. It turned out to be some sort of machine that produced bulging, translucent human-shaped skins skins in which the organs were visible, all packed in the wrong way. I woke up to that eerie image.
I has less unpleasant dreams after, but don’t remember them at the moment.
Grumpy. Should be sleeping and am not. Pulled something in my shoulder, hurts like when my dog died. Kinda wanna get pissed drunk and fight a used car salesman, but I'm not gonna do that. I'm just gonna sit here and play old Silent Hill games until I either get spooked and quit or get tired. Regardless, not in a good mood. Not even sure why, but I'm over it. Fuck all this noise. Goodnight, mindsay.
i never had the balls to ask my father if he wanted me. the answer existed before the question; i was an unwanted pregnancy.
growing up, i would occasionally fantasize about going to live with him, but it was never something i could voice, because i was terrified of the outcome: my father rejecting me (an absolute certainty, because he's always been a bachelor-type, & liked the freedom of it), & the possibility of my mother's rejection as well (hurt by my desire to leave, she would withhold the already-scant amount of affection and attention she gave me).
i never even afforded myself the luxury of the standard tantrum, the classic, “i'm running away to live with my dad!”
it's fucked up. i once told my mom that i couldn't tell him things because he would stop loving me. and that's exactly how it played out. he dipped out, after doing a bunch of cruel shit to me.
i haven't seen him in fifteen years now. he's been out of my life for much longer than he was in it.
yet somehow, it effects all these little areas in my life, these little pockets of terror, fear of intimacy, lack of trust. my deep belief that i am truly unlovable, because two people created me from thin air, and neither of them particularly wanted me. i did not light up their lives.
you would think a tiny child wouldn't pick up on this, but i definitely did, and it fucking imprinted: don't ever upset someone who is in charge of you. don't ever act ungrateful for what you get. don't ever second guess your caregiver, because they can just stop providing support to you.
and that's why i ask john how he feels any time i need support; i’m trying to gauge whether it's okay to ask things of him. whether he's emotionally stable and strong enough to look after me. because if i ask for too much, too often, he'll end up depleted, and he'll have to withhold his love from me just to recover.
i don't know if that's true or not.
it is what i believe.